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Can I change my dad!?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I know it might sound odd to you guys, but I really really wish I could change my dad.
Every Time he is in town my friends say oh you must have missed him alot! I say yes for sure! But the truth is, the moment that he comes our nighmare starts!
He could only bare us for like the first day, since the second day till today he is not talking to my mom and gets out of the house every morning he wakes up till 8.30-9 pm! Without calling or anything to us! Me and my younger sister are sick and tired of his behaviors.
So, it started 2 days ago about this stupid party that my dad's friend invited him but he refused beacuse we have been invited somewhere else from a week before. but thats not and my mom told him that we have invitation somewhere else and he started shouting at her to cancel it!
Attention: his friend still on phone and he was shouting at my mom!
Its not his first time doing this. He lost his mother due to cancer when he was 11,12 and I remember once he was talking to me and he started crying that his father never was there for his 3 children and how his father got addicted to drugs and never caring for them, he used to just give them money and they were never emotionally supported.. For same reasons my dad didn't go to college and married my mom at age 21.
Now he has remembered he never had fun and any childhood and now that it is too late he wants to go out with friends and have fun. Im not saying that it is bad but he is doing this but hurting us! I mean he was actually never there for any one of us either! We were also only financially supported. Me and my sister feel we never had his attention in life and we both feel a defect regarding any guys attention to us. My poor mom is exhausted of these and I cant bear any more of her pain. He gets mad and angry at every single thing that we tell him and i believe he is just at home to sleep! I dont want to suggest them divorce because they have been together for so long i feel emotionally so attached to this life of being together; and cant see them separated even though they are not really together. He has seen so many counselors and even used medications for anger managing and his temper but he never changes. I dont want to talk to anyone about the problems in family ever, because i they all have happy lives with their dads and would never understand me!
I feel much bether when i write here even though I dont know you guys.
Thanks alot for sharing your thoughts and reading this.

Comments

  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hey Masha,

    Welcome to the boards. Sorry to hear that you're having a tough time at the moment. It's really positive that you felt able to put it all down in words here and that you feel much for doing so. :)

    You were saying that you and your sister are sick and tired of your dads behaviors and him staying out all day and not calling or anything. Sounds like it's difficult to deal with. How long has this been going on for?

    Also it must be hard to see your mum in pain when your dad gets mad and angry. You were saying that you don't want to suggest them to divorce because they've been together so long and you feel emotionally so attached to your life together. Sounds like a really challenging situation. What would you ideally like to happen?

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I want to fix everything!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Mahsa,

    It's such an honest and normal feeling to want to "fix" things - and it can be painful knowing you probably can't fix everything yourself *hug*These things unfortunately are his responsibility to fix and it's unfair that you are put in this situation :no:

    You mention when you dad is in town - how often does he come visit? and how is he when he is away?
    It sounds like instead of learning from what he went through during his childhood he is perhaps repeating the same mistakes - maybe without truly realising it. But either way it's unfair on you and your sister to have to handle and it's completely understandable for you to feel angry and sick and tired of his behaviour. And it's hard to feel that maybe others won't understand either.

    Have you ever told your dad how you truly feel? Do you think the communication between you could allow this? If you felt this was possible, you could speak to him in a calm group situation with the support of your mum and sister which could help, especially as you mention he has a temper. Or even perhaps write him a letter?

    As Steph said it's good you feel speaking here helps, and do please keep letting us know how you are doing :yes:
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