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Desperate.

ShatteredSecretsShatteredSecrets NoobPosts: 186 Boards Initiate
Just feeling so low. I don't know how to get better. I feel broken. These meds are making me feel worse. Sometimes suicidal. I can't shake it.

Home is shit. I feel they all want me dead. Just today I asked one of them to stop what they were doing because it was really bothering and annoying me and their response simply was "well the fact you're breathing is annoying me we dont all get what we want so..."

I just feel so broken.

I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

Comments

  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Hey shatteredsecrets :heart:

    Firstly I wanted to send you *hug*s

    I am so sorry your going through a difficult time at the minute, how long have you been on medication for, sometimes they may make you feel worse before you get better, When I first started on citalopram they made me feel worse but once things had settled down they started to help, but we are all individual, may be best chatting to your GP about it.

    I am sorry that your family are treating you that way, you don't deserve that. Do you have anyone close to you to confide, a friend, school teacher/college tutor. Keep talking to us, we care about you

    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • AuroraAurora Part of the furniture Posts: 11,720 An Original Mixlorian
    Hey there ShatteredSecrets,

    I can see that you posted this yesterday, how are you feeling today? - How long have you been taking your current meds? My first circle of anti-depressants, well the first month or so of it, I felt awful, and it did also make me quite suicidal, but then with other meds too, like general for example, they made me feel awful, and because I felt so awful, I felt shit in myself, but if your thoughts of suicide are really intense and you think it is because of the medication, I would go back to whoever prescribed you them, it might be an aspect of playing around with the dosages a bit if not anything else.

    But with medication, in the longer run, (Well for me) I found they do make you feel better, if you continue to take them on a regular basis, because lodes of people make the mistake off (Including me) stopping because they make you feel dreadful, it's just an aspect of keeping it going.

    Are you currently getting any other support alongside medication? I found recovery was really difficult without having that someone I could talk to on a weekly basis, but remember you don't have to go through this alone, I'm glad you were able to turn to your peers on TS and post, did it help being able to just let it all out on here?

    I'm sorry to hear about the awful treatment your family are giving you, comments like that are not needed at all, and often family members don't really understand the true implications of how comments like these do affect us, was it a sibling? Is there anyone at home you can speak to about how you feel about these comments? Like I know that's easier said than done, but you don't need to go through that at all, especially alone :heart:

    Best wishes,
    WhispersOfTheHeart
  • ShatteredSecretsShatteredSecrets Noob Posts: 186 Boards Initiate
    Thanks guys.

    I have only just started taking these meds on Wednesday. Currently on the lowest dose and supposed to go up by another 10mg on Wednesday. I have a follow up appointment to review in about two and half weeks time. They help me sleep but other than that I feel very numb and low. They help a bit with anxiety but not much else. I do have a counsellor I'm just unsure whether I should tell her how these meds are affecting me.

    It wasn't a sibling, but a parent who said this to me. Nobody really listens to me or they think I'm being overdramatic. I should really be over this by now.

    -ShatteredSecrets

    I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey SS,

    I'm sorry to hear you're still receiving cruel comments from family members. No one should have to encounter this :no:

    I agree with BananaMonkey and WhispersOfTheHeart about speaking to your prescriber about the effect of your medicines. If you do decide to speak to your counsellor about it, they'll most likely have heard similar before and may be able to help you too :yes:

    As WhispersOfTheHeart said, family members often don't realise the impact their words might have on you, and I wonder if you have ever told them how their comments make you feel?

    Is there anyone else you feel able to talk to about this? I remember in a previous thread you mentioned that you had confided in your volunteer manager - could that be someone you trust enough to share your feelings with?

    Keep us posted *hug*
  • ShatteredSecretsShatteredSecrets Noob Posts: 186 Boards Initiate
    I'm not sure if I can tell her about home. She already knows other things but I just want to isolate myself and pretend this isn't happening.. I don't want to give this head space but it's so bloody hard.

    I've told them. They know. They just simply don't care. I've called them out on it and they turn around and tell me it never happened... It's confusing me to no end and making me question my own sanity over whether this.. and everything else has even happened. I don't really know what to do anymore.

    I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, certainly don't give up, and try to meditate or use some kind of coping mechanism. I don't know how long you've had these symptoms or what you've tried or anything, and I myself am not the smartest about advice, but just don't give up. If you can, try and confront whoever you live with about it. It'll be really, really hard, but trust me, that almost always helps. Just tell them that you need some alone time, that you don't like how you're being treated, everything that's wrong. If you can't talk to them about it, find a trusted teacher or co-worker that you could have some dedicated alone time with. Teachers love their kids and the right teachers can give the right advice.

    Good luck! :yippe:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Buddy i'm an expert in negative emotions feelings & thought control & meditation, & believe it or not the cure to all negative emotions feelings & thoughts is inside us all already..We actually manifest/create all of our own negative emotions feelings & thoughts, & although we may think it's other people or events forcing us to manifest/create negative emotions it's not them it's ourselves..Nobody shows us whilst we're young how to transcend negative emotions thereby not building negative energy up inside us, & it's because the people who brought us up wouldn't have known the facts themselves that we can all have full control over all of our emotions etc but it does take "practice" (a lot of practice)..So if somebody out there annoys us the best possible thing we can do is to use "them" for our own training in practicing not manifesting negative emotions, & so we stand there listening to their BS & try to transcend not manifest which does take quite a few months of actual practice..So the great part about the training is we actually need people to "try" to get us going so that we can practice patience & concentration, & then see eventually realize exactly where our negative emotions feelings & thoughts come from which is inside us & we practice controlling them..So in all fairness the truth although you have to train to realize is that your family aren't annoying you your annoying yourself, & it's because your giving far too much power to their words or actions & manifesting negative emotions, & "the" best thing you could do is to use them for your own negative emotions control practice, because after a good few months of practice & understanding no words or actions will be able to force you to manifest negativity, because by then you'll "know"/"realize" it's you doing it to yourself every time & so it becomes impossible to do it to yourself..If you find yourself thinking negatively distract those thoughts by doing something you enjoy or read up about negative emotions training, & the more you distract those thoughts & train the less you'll send to yourself, & you will see this over the months it's just practice understanding & time (months not years)..The training on the net is seriously flawed in my opinion, but it is training & understanding that will cure depression anxiety ptsd etc.
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