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Was it rape? Please help

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I am a 20 year old female college student but live at home with my family who I am very close with. I am the oldest of four children. I have had many ups and downs in my life I guess as everyone has. I have jumped around from school to school, my family always had money problems. I have always had horrible self esteem and always worried about not being classy enough, not being good enough, not being cool or popular enough, and being too fat and ugly. I also have anxiety and clinical depression both of which I am on medication for. Sometimes I feel crazy like I am the only person in the world that is as weird as me regarding the person I am in my head but maybe that is just me thinking that... Who knows...
A little over a week ago on Thanksgiving my cousin came over. He is 17 and my parents have always not wanted us around him as he is troubled. Both of his parents were heroin addicts in and out of jail and in and out of his life and he has lived through more than most people I know. After a certain point he was raised by my grandmother who sppiled him rotten as if he was her own son and always seemed to believe he could do no wrong. This of course is not true as he already has an extensive criminal record at 17, kicked out of countless schools, and never seemed to respect authority at all or appreciate the life my grandmother provided for him. He lays around her house most of the time and smokes more weed than anyone I've ever met. He refuses to get a job and the way things are going Id be willing to bet a good amount of money he will never finish high school. My parents did not care for him and wanted to stay away from the "druggy" relatives because as they said they were "trying to raise a normal family." My Mom always swore that he was deeply troubled but I never agreed. I always felt bad for him and thought I was the one who could help him. I loved him and I cared about him and always tried to include him because I knew this also made my grandmother happy.
So Thanksgiving I pick up my cousin to hangout with me and my brothers because we all have fun hanging out together. We like to smoke too (well I used to until I quit about a month ago) just not nearly as much as him. We all go to a party together that night have some fun and then go back to my house. I didn't really hangout with them much at the party as I was hanging with my friends for the most part. I was pretty drunk but I remember everything. We get back to my house and I go to sleep but the boys stay up. Next thing I remember is being woken up by my cousin in my face saying I had to do stuff to him. I stayed silent and didn't say anything the whole time and didnt stop him but I remember feeling so weird and upset in my stomach. I mostly just laid there out of it from being half asleep and still feeling the alcohol. All I can think about is the fact that I didn't stop it and remember even making moaning sounds during at some point. He is definitely bigger and stronger than me but I don't know if that is relevant. I remember after he just got up and asked me where to throw away the condom then went to sleep on the couch. I passed right back out. The next day I laid in bed hungover and depressed the whole day. In the morning before my cousin left he was acting like nothing happened except I know I felt so awkward/weird/confused. I know I did not want that to happen. I prayed it was just a dream until I saw the condom in the trash can and my heart sunk down to my stomach.
Since then I have been way more depressed than usual and had a few panic attacks as well. Sometimes I feel absolutely distraught and angry like I was raped and my cousin is sick. I know for sure that I never want to see him again. But other times like right now I feel more normal and not in a state of panic or wanting to cry which makes me wonder maybe it really wasn't rape and I am thinking too much. Maybe in his mind we just had sex?? I am just so confused. I also just got my period (oddly for the first time in 3 months, I have PCOS) so now I am starting to be like maybe how I have been feeling was just extreme PMS and I wasn't actually raped and these aren't symptoms. I do know I have never felt so out of control in my life however maybe it's because it's all in my head.
I told my Mom the next day what happened because I am not one to be able to bottle anything up and she immediately said that is rape we are going to figure this out and make it right. She wants to file a restraining order against my cousin as well as let it be known him and his father and their family aren't welcome to be around us anymore. I just know this is going to cause so much trouble in the family as well as stress on my grandmother if it gets out. I still can't even decide if I feel comfortable saying I was raped, sometimes I feel like so out of control and like wow yes I was definitely raped other times I second guess myself. That being said I am worried that bringing the situation to light could be the wrong thing to do... What if what happened is not even considered rape? Sometimes I feel normal like right now. All I know is I can't stop thinking about it and I really wish it never happened. Am I overreacting? Please help any words/advice is appreciated

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Sevian,

    I’m really sorry to hear what you are going through, and you have been really brave in opening up about this.

    This must be an extremely tough situation for you, especially when you are already struggling with your mental health. I want to assure you that you are not overreacting, and what happened was not your fault. It’s normal to feel confused about whether you have been raped or not. However from what you have said, you did not give your consent at any point. Just because you know him, or don’t always feel like crying, it does not mean that it’s all in your head or that you won’t be believed. There is no right or wrong way to behave, and whilst I understand your concerns about the strain on your family, at this point it’s important to do what you feel is best for you.

    I’m glad that you were able to tell your mum, as someone you trust she may be able to support you through moving forward. As well as your family, I wonder if you have any other support system in place, for example a healthcare professional you can reach out to for further advice and support? Bringing the situation to light is an important step to help you through this difficult time, and it takes courage to do so as you have with your mum and by posting here. It’s okay to feel what you are feeling, and to not feel pressured about doing anything you don’t want to. Take your time to figure out what is best for you.

    It sounds like you might be in the US, so it’s worth knowing that TheSite is based in the UK, as are any sites that we signpost to. If you are, you could get in touch with RAINN which is a free and confidential support line. If I am mistaken and you are based in the UK, then you could contact Rape Crisis who have local centres as well as a helpline.

    Feel free to keep posting here though if it helps you.

    Sending you hugs and support *hug*
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