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A fool who pays for everything and does everything
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
An acquaintance of mine has a partner who lives off him as a parasite. She has no positive qualities. She lives in his house and contributes nothing. He pays all of the mortgage and all of the household bills. When they go out, he pays for everything. When they go on holiday, he pays for everything. He also runs errands for her and her family. He does all the housework. He frequently gives her cash, on demand. She never does anything for him; she never even says please or thank you. He frequently complaints about her to several people he knows - mostly about how fat and lazy she is. He says he's fed up with being "taken for a mug" - but he continues to allow her to sponge off him. She's clearly causing him a lot of stress, as well as costing him thousands of pounds. He has never loved her. Other than being obese, she has good health and there's no reason she couldn't do a full-time job and pay her way. Why does he allow himself to be exploited like this? She has been the same throughout the time he's known her. He knew full well what she was like was like from day one. She's never pretended to be anything other than the lazy parasite she is. She's never done or tried to do anything good in her life and she doesn't care.
I'd like to understand why he's allowing her to do this to him. I might then be able to help him see sense, so that he removes her from his life and replaces her with someone good.
I'd like to understand why he's allowing her to do this to him. I might then be able to help him see sense, so that he removes her from his life and replaces her with someone good.
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Comments
I'm not being judgmental. He's undoubtedly being severely exploited and is angry about it. Are you saying that what I've accurately described is a good, healthy, fair relationship?
In a certain point of view your friend is not so dissimilar to yourself. He tries to achieve one thing, no matter the cost or consequences, through false means and ends up severely frustrated, because alternatives are ruled out before they are considered or tried.
It's true that he can't bear being alone. However, he never criticises himself, let alone indicates that he hates himself. He's never said that he feels like a failure or that he fears failure. He never apologises and doesn't miss people whom he no longer sees (including people who've died). He's never loved anyone, wanted to be loved or formed or sought emotional closeness with anyone. Even when he was a young child, he never sought help or comfort from anyone.
He has some similarities to me. However, he's considerably more fortunate than me. His health is much better than mine, his income is much higher than mine, he's better-looking than me and he owns his own house (on a mortgage) and car. Therefore he could easily, quickly find someone far better than his current partner (or any of his former partners), who would not mercilessly exploit him. Why does he choose the worst women he can find? They are well beneath him on every variable, including: looks, wealth, status, personality, education and intelligence. He could easily find a 'Miss Average', who would be massively better than his partner - so why doesn't he? He frequently says that he finds overweight people repulsive, so why has he yet again chosen an obese woman who doesn't care about her weight? He frequently angrily complains to several people about how fat she is and how frustrated he is that she overeats and won't try to lose weight.
There is a big discrepancy about how good people have it - objectively, and how they really feel. Many downright gorgeous people have trouble accepting their bodies and wealthy and successful actors are severely depressed.
Have you suggested to your friend that he could simply leave his girlfriend if she is just using and living off him and find somebody kinder? How does he react to that? All I can say is that logic and reason do not apply to these people. If his girlfriend is emotionally abusive she could have very well convinced him that he is worthless without her. I've been around these boards and others for quite a while and I've seen a lot of people believing the stupidest shit their abusive partners have put in their heads and defending them with tooth and claw.
He will never criticise himself, nor accept (even constructive) criticism of him from anyone. He responds to any criticism of him by angrily insulting the person criticising him.
Several people, including me, have tried to help him see that his partner is exploiting him and that she'll continue doing so for the duration of the relationship. We've suggested that his life would be better without her and that he could easily, quickly find someone much better. He sometimes says that he will remove her from his house and life, but then makes excuses not to. He says: "all women sponge off their partners" and "at least she doesn't hit me; most women punch and kick their partners". He often books holidays or tickets for things weeks in advance, then uses the excuse: "I have to stay with her because we've booked this". Other than going to work, he won't do anything on his own or go anywhere on his own (not even the local shop).
I fully understand that it can be very difficult to face reality and get out of this hole for those people, but if they are not receptive, maybe even downright hostile towards people who offer help then they can just remain in misery. I don't particularly feel bad for them then.
I know a few people who've been with people who were really bad for them. You'd think they learn, but more often then not they fall into the same trap repeatedly.
Your friend is a poor sop. He think of himself so little, that he prefers the attention of an exploitative person than no attention at all. Being unlovable and unloved is a terrifying thought for him, so he settles for what he was able to bag.
He's easily able to find someone much better. That point has been put to him, to which he quickly replies "yes, I know". He then gives excuses such as: "I only had to give her x amount of money this week" or "at least she doesn't hit me - most women punch and kick their partners" or "she said that she's going to get a job". Why then doesn't he choose someone much better? Much better women have shown interest in him, but he rejects them - why? Why does he choose the worst women he can find, spend most of his time and money on them - then complain he's being used?
His relationships during his thirties have been worse than those during his twenties. He wouldn't have chosen someone as bad as his current partner, or the one before, a decade ago. I don't understand why his judgment and choices have worsened. His appeal to women should have improved as his wages increased and he bought a car and house.