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Starting a relationship with someone at work
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Is it ever a good idea?
I've been in a long term relationship for a few years but we split up around the turn of the year. There's a girl at work, who I've always got on with, and since then we have been speaking more and more, and in the last few weeks have turned up the heat and started meeting outside of work, and even more recently started to discuss a future together. She has always been fanciable, to be honest she's drop dead gorgeous but I never looked at her like that while I was commited. But I can feel myself falling for her, a lot quicker than I think I am comfortable with, she ticks every single one of my boxes, in a lot of ways she is the perfect girl for me - and I think things are going quite well from her end too. We made things exclusive last week and get on so well we are already making holiday plans etc. So a lot of positivity and excitement at the minute.
The problem is we work together ever day, in an environment where relationships are very much frowned upon, to the point that it is contractually stated that any 2 people working in the same department who begin a relationship, either are liable to be moved to another site with no notice. So yeah, no room for flexibility there, and definitely no gossiping with colleagues. It is difficult to flick between professionalism, and how we are away from work. I appreciate lots of people are in the same situation and somehow make things work, but from a practicality point of view, is the strain too much? I don't think either of us are prepared to invest too much in the short term as we are both concerned about long term implications. But then what foundation is that for a relationship. Am I thinking too much?
Any input welcomed especially from those who have been in similar situations. My head's a swamp at the minute.
I've been in a long term relationship for a few years but we split up around the turn of the year. There's a girl at work, who I've always got on with, and since then we have been speaking more and more, and in the last few weeks have turned up the heat and started meeting outside of work, and even more recently started to discuss a future together. She has always been fanciable, to be honest she's drop dead gorgeous but I never looked at her like that while I was commited. But I can feel myself falling for her, a lot quicker than I think I am comfortable with, she ticks every single one of my boxes, in a lot of ways she is the perfect girl for me - and I think things are going quite well from her end too. We made things exclusive last week and get on so well we are already making holiday plans etc. So a lot of positivity and excitement at the minute.
The problem is we work together ever day, in an environment where relationships are very much frowned upon, to the point that it is contractually stated that any 2 people working in the same department who begin a relationship, either are liable to be moved to another site with no notice. So yeah, no room for flexibility there, and definitely no gossiping with colleagues. It is difficult to flick between professionalism, and how we are away from work. I appreciate lots of people are in the same situation and somehow make things work, but from a practicality point of view, is the strain too much? I don't think either of us are prepared to invest too much in the short term as we are both concerned about long term implications. But then what foundation is that for a relationship. Am I thinking too much?
Any input welcomed especially from those who have been in similar situations. My head's a swamp at the minute.
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Comments
It's lovely to hear that your relationship is going so well. From what you've said, you really like each other which is a good start if you could possibly choppy waters with work in the future.
Do you both enjoy your jobs a lot? The reason I ask this is because many people in this situation consider leaving the department or the organisation. Not just to preserve the integrity of the work/career but to maintain a healthy relationship. It's nice to be able to draw a line between your personal life and work, so working with your partner makes that impossible.
If it's unlikely either of you want to or will be able to leave, then perhaps it might be useful to agree on how you'll behave around each other at work and whether or not you'll spend time together during lunch breaks. The reason why it might be a good idea to discuss this is because you'll know where you stand while you're at work and this will prevent one of you getting upset/offended by the others professional behaviour.
As you said, it's definitely sensible not to do anything too drastic until your relationship is stronger and more serious. It would be very annoying to make a decision like leaving your department/job and then find the relationship doesn't work out. So for the time being, keep up the professionalism while you both consider together the next move.
Row.
When you say you'd have to move, does that mean between teams, or across town, or to a site 150 miles away? Do you both love your jobs, or would one of you be looking to move sooner rather than later anyway? I don't think it is too forward to be talking together about this, especially if you're "exclusive", which is as close as it gets to calling each other schnookums and honey-bunny. You should also work out how you're going to interact at work, whether you're going to give each other the cold-shoulder at work, that sort of thing.
I don't agree that dipping your pen in company ink is always a bad idea.
It's not a no go, but like you're already doing needs thinking through. From my experience, you'll struggle to keep things secret long term - so question is how do you manage it.
Approach I took was to make sure was crystal clear on company policy, we talked it through and then both told our managers- with a request that wasn't made public knowledge. In our case, company policy meant that couldn't supervise partner - or have roles where there could be conflict if interest, but as long as we kept the right side of those two was ok. I actually changed sites shortly after we went 'HR official' but wasn't related to the relationship.