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Emotions, Life and me...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
It's been a while since I posted on here.. I took a break. Trying to get myself back on path into a brighter future. I thought I had managed, until recently.
I had managed to reduce the frequency of my self harm, had friends and was getting on well in college (relatively well but still failing). Then everything piled on again. I've realised a lot over the past week. And I'm not sure how to take it.
Emotions- they're fantastic when they're positive. But for me even that's a struggle. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do when I feel certain ways
Everything feels unnatural. I realised how numb I am. Because I find it easier than feeling anything. I just do things, there is no real feeling or emotion behind it... like I will eat because I know it's necessary. I talk because I'm being spoken to but I don't care about what's being said. Okay so now and again I Will feel something and engage in meaningful conversation but 85% of the time I'm not even listening. I just don't want to care, because I know it'll mean I have to feel something. How bad is that, I'm scared to feel alive.
Life- full of ups and downs I'm told, why does mine never get above ground level. Even right now stuff is happening. My parents are arguing again.dad's gone and emailed another women. Same scenario as last time but different women. They both went out this afternoon. Dad's just got back and asked if mum has got home yet. He's now on the phone arguing with her. Mum asked me if I thought they're marriage would last much longer. How do I answer that? Oh and then we have my As levels. Which I'm failing. Fun panic attacks for them.. and then we have my nan, because I no longer visit her due to my feelings about my granddads death and my inability to deal with the grief and feelings when I visit as I am overwhelmed with memories. I know I should deal with this but again reread emotions... every time I do see my nan she takes no interest in me. I told her I was on study leave and said I'd had two exams this week. She said oh yes your cousins on study leave now for exams. They start next week and then when theyre over shes done until September... No comment on how mine had gone or anything.
Me- What am I doing? Where am I going? What's next? I don't even know myself. I can't even be myself. Who am I? I can't see where I'm going anymore. And the people I've relied upon to hold my hand and show me the way are falling into their own pits of depression and I'm watching my parents lives crumble as they fall apart, further into the despair and I feel as though I am being dragged down by them...
What should I do...
I had managed to reduce the frequency of my self harm, had friends and was getting on well in college (relatively well but still failing). Then everything piled on again. I've realised a lot over the past week. And I'm not sure how to take it.
Emotions- they're fantastic when they're positive. But for me even that's a struggle. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do when I feel certain ways
Everything feels unnatural. I realised how numb I am. Because I find it easier than feeling anything. I just do things, there is no real feeling or emotion behind it... like I will eat because I know it's necessary. I talk because I'm being spoken to but I don't care about what's being said. Okay so now and again I Will feel something and engage in meaningful conversation but 85% of the time I'm not even listening. I just don't want to care, because I know it'll mean I have to feel something. How bad is that, I'm scared to feel alive.
Life- full of ups and downs I'm told, why does mine never get above ground level. Even right now stuff is happening. My parents are arguing again.dad's gone and emailed another women. Same scenario as last time but different women. They both went out this afternoon. Dad's just got back and asked if mum has got home yet. He's now on the phone arguing with her. Mum asked me if I thought they're marriage would last much longer. How do I answer that? Oh and then we have my As levels. Which I'm failing. Fun panic attacks for them.. and then we have my nan, because I no longer visit her due to my feelings about my granddads death and my inability to deal with the grief and feelings when I visit as I am overwhelmed with memories. I know I should deal with this but again reread emotions... every time I do see my nan she takes no interest in me. I told her I was on study leave and said I'd had two exams this week. She said oh yes your cousins on study leave now for exams. They start next week and then when theyre over shes done until September... No comment on how mine had gone or anything.
Me- What am I doing? Where am I going? What's next? I don't even know myself. I can't even be myself. Who am I? I can't see where I'm going anymore. And the people I've relied upon to hold my hand and show me the way are falling into their own pits of depression and I'm watching my parents lives crumble as they fall apart, further into the despair and I feel as though I am being dragged down by them...
What should I do...
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Comments
I think you said pretty much was I was gonna say. I think what I picked up on from you was that you said I know that Im depressed but and also the way you been feeling from not being interested in anything or anyone is another common course to feeling depressed.
Your not on your own when it comes to exams, family life and your own personal problems as everyone is going through the same. Your at that age where focusing on personal goals in what you wanna achieve is a big issue for you so feeling stressed about the exams is why your doing this.
Im not sure wether you have tried speaking to your parents about how the arguments and constant nagging from your mum and I don't think you don't really wanna go there because they wont listen and things might get worse but by going about talking about this, could you think about speaking to someone who you don't know? What I am mean is maybe a professional i.e. Doctor or Counsellor?
Please don't think that you have no one to talk to because you do. I just think you need someone there who can listen to you.
If you cant talk to a professional then you can always contact The Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90 and they are open 24 hours a day and 7 days a week who will be there to listen when you need it.
I hope that's helps
Crazy Cat x
It's good to see you again
CrazyCat has asked some of the things I was going to about if you'd consider visiting your GP to talk about your dip in mood and lack of interest in things? I'll leave you to come back to us on that.
You mentioned you'd been off working on a new path and that it was going well until recently. It sounds like exams and your parents are two big stressors in your life right now and so it's understandable that you're struggling and feeling a bit stuck. I'm really glad you're reaching out and getting this off your chest and I'm confident you can get back on that brighter path and we're here to help you in any way we can.
Don't forget that you can ask our expert advisers about your parents and your relationship with them here - it's confidential and anonymous and it might help to take that weight of your shoulders. It must be really hard to be in the middle of their problems.
I also hear that your feelings of grief are underlying everything and that perhaps you're afraid to really let yourself feel those emotions? Numbness can be the mind and body's way of protecting us from difficult feelings. It might be that this is a familiar pattern for you and something that has helped you to cope in the past.
Grief can be incredibly painful but it's also okay, even if it feels uncomfortable and hard. When you're ready, having space to talk about those feelings may help you to get in touch with them and process them. It's your grief and it can take time to find ways to accept your loss. Cruse have a youth service called HopeAgain that you might like to try when you feel up to it: http://hopeagain.org.uk/ they are the experts in this area and are really well-trained to respond to everything you're going through.
I'm also really sorry to hear that some of your friends are struggling too, it can be hard when your support network isn't there anymore and it can feel lonely too.
So, I'm interested in what are you doing day to day for you and no one else? Taking time out to do something you enjoy - read, listen to music, watch a tv show, go for a walk in the park? Having that 'me time' can help you to recharge and manage stress.
*hug*
I will go to the drs eventually, probably after my exams tho as that's where my focus needs to be right now
I'm glad your considering about going to the doctors. I think once you have spoke to someone about how your feeling then things will become a lot easier for you hopefully.
I think focusing on your exams first and not worrying about seeing the doctor is important right now. Although dont put yourself under too much pressure as if you need anyone to talk then you can always talk to us.
You can only do your best and I'm sure whatever happens that your family will be proud of you no matter what.
Remember The Samaritans are always here to listen x
x