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MrRiot had a breakdown...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
and I really don't know what to do now.

Its partly due to the fact that we lost the house we were going to move to, stuff with his son and his ex, missing me a lot, being in a financial mess and his job putting on crazy amounts of stress and unfairly reprimanding him. Hes been drinking more than usual (and on his own which is very unlike him), hes been so panicky he is shaking, crying a fair bit and when I took him to a doctor (after picking him up from friends who had to go rescue him because he was in a state in public) he suggested he take a week off work. Hes taken 2 days off work but hes decided that he's going to go back to work tomorrow but hand in his notice. He's said he is going to work his notice but I'm really worried about him doing that whilst depressed with very unsupportive managers and colleagues. The plan is for him to come and stay with me until we find somewhere permanent to live and for him to have support to get himself back onto his feet. I'm just really worried about him covering it all up and not actually taking his mental health seriously. I'm also worried about him being able to access support in my area.

Any ideas? I just want to be able to support him as much as I can but even he doesn't know what he wants from me really.... :/

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This is a hard one. You probably know it's one of these things that unless he agrees or decides otherwise, there's not much you can do in terms of help. Are you in contact with his parents? Just thinking that if you are, maybe chat with them and voice your worries?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Miss Riot, this doesnt sound good at all and with all the other problems occurring in the middle of it all, to me this just shows that's all you need!

    I know things arnt easy at the moment and I can see that not just on here but in your last other threads aswell. I can't imagine what you and Mr Riot are going through!

    You mentioned that ever since he lost the house because due to arguments with his ex over his child that he's been falling back to how he was with not being able to cope and feeling low all the time. Has he spoken to you about this and how its effecting him?

    I see this putting a strain on you and his relationship which is unfair. The last thing you wanna do is get involved with him and his ex because whatever problems they need sorting out should be between them.

    The drinking you said never seemed to be the problem before but now it is. The one good thing about it is the fact he wasn't a big drinker before so it maybe just a phrase he's going through only you did the right thing by going to the doctors and getting him checked out also for him to be like that on the streets isn't normal so it's good at the time you went to the doctor for support.

    You shouldn't have to cope on your own and put your own feelings to one side. You want to be strong for Mr Riot but you also want to have determination and bravery to suppport him. Have you both thought about relationship counselling? That maybe an idea for you both to have that support without the other one feeling lonely or unsupported.

    I think it's important for you to consider this when you have to be the one to keep everything together. I'm not saying you and Mr Riots relationship isnt going well and needs adressing but sometimes in these situations you might feel that both of you need to get back to how you were before all this had started.

    Would this be something you could think about? I'm not sure what goes on in your local area and its good that you thought of long term support for Mr Riot. However, are there places like Friendship Cafes, Chairties, Workshops, Support Groups or Professional Support you could look into?

    These might be some benefit to you or Mr Riot. There could be either of these activities what take place where you live so finding out more online or in your library will hopefully be some use to you.

    Remember that you can only be there for him and try and do everything you can to support him. Think about times when you were lonely or needed someone what Mr Riot did at the time.

    Your not on your own and were here for you. Have a look at the advice I gave and see wether this might be any good for you.

    If you ever need someone to talk to in the mean time then you know The Samaritans are there 24 hours a day and 7 days a week and they will be there to listen.

    Please keep reaching out x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We lost out on a house swap only a few weeks before we were going to move, its affected us both a fair bit because we've been looking for 6 months now...The issues with his ex are because shes been involved with social services because of her mental health and her involvement with a violent partner. Theres nothing there that can be sorted beyond how it currently is, its a long game with her unfortunately. I'm not sure relationship counselling would help, I think he needs to talk things through on his own. Tbh, things like thing make us stronger and closer than ever, doesn't mean its any less hard to deal with the crap when it hits though! He hasn't been like this since I've known him, and from what I've hear from families and friends he hasn't been like this since his teens (he's 30 now).

    I've spoken to both his mum (who seemed not to give a shit) and his dad (who seems more concerned about him being able to get another job than his mental health). His friends and my mum seem more supportive of him than his family. I'm looking into seeing if I can get him registered with a local GP but services in my area are crapper than crap! I'm going to look for something either through the local SARC that are giving me some support, or through a local charity.

    theres loads of things we need to do - contact the DWP, stepchange, the GP, CSA (cos he'll have to stop maintenance to his ex), find storage for his stuff, give notice on his flat...a lot to get our heads around!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He's gone into work today, shaking and nervous as hell, ready to give in his notice, but his dad has been telling him that's not a good idea. It's making me annoyed that he's being swayed by other people who seem to no care about his mental health.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm sorry to hear what your going through. It sounds like your the only one what's there for him which is really good to see. You can only do all you can and nothing else. You seem to be there to support him.

    I do think it would be a good idea to arrange an appointment with the GP for him to go to and look to find out about receiving support from the SARC. I'm not sure what that means? Though it would be good for him to receive further help with that.

    Looking into charties is always beneficial. There are people who can support you. You might find Mind or The Smartians helpful as they both are mental health services which is easy to find and access. Do you have any of these near you?

    The relationship counselling was something I said because I know you and his relationship is fine but was looking into the fact that with everything going on with him and his ex that it might effect you and his relationship. Though you don't need it so thats ok.

    I do think the whole social services with him and his ex is for them to talk about between them as they both have a kid and need to do what's best for him. They would be sorting that out social services

    It maybe that he needs to open up to his parents and tell them how he feels because I know your there to support him but could be waiting for him to talk to them. You said his parents arnt helpful though it's them proberly thinking whats best knowing there son really well.

    You might just have to leave it to him. Though you are there for him so that's ok. Hopefully when everything has been sorted out with the DWP, stepchange, GP and CSA then everything will be back to normal.

    Please keep reaching out x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He had a meeting today with his manager and he's decided to stay. I totally flipped and called him a coward and that he was taking the easy option not the best option again.

    His parents have always put their relationships (as they split up when he was 2) with their new partners before him. He was pushed from pillar to post as a kid and his mum really couldn't give a toss and his dad seems to be very judgmental about him.

    After he told me about the meeting he said he felt what i said wasn't very supportive, but I really feel like he's not supporting himself! I don't know what more I can do but it really hurts to see him going back to what he was doing before with very little changes.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think labelling him a coward is going to be very productive, to be honest.

    As for leaving his job, I'm not convinced it would be good for either of you, not until he has a new one to move to. And it's always a lot easier to move to a new job when you're in a job already. You might find supporting him with looking for new work to be a bit more productive.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know it wasn't, it was my frustration spilling over. Not proud of myself on that one!

    We're talked a fair bit tonight and he's still not dead set on things. The only reason he was going to quit his job was because his current one is making him feel ill and it would give him a little time to sort his head out (whilst doing voluntary work which won't have the same kind of pressures but will occupy him a bit), and also because its been almost impossible to get time off for interviews. He's been for a couple of interviews and been pipped to the post by internal applicants. I found him loads of jobs but he seems to get home eat and climb into bed, he has no energy to do anything else and is in bed by 8 almost every week night (he does an office job btw, not the most physically demanding of jobs by far).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Miss Riot, hope your ok? I can understand that things are still difficult at the moment with you and Mr Riot.

    I do think as I said before you can only be there for him without making him feel worse or judging him. I'm not saying that's what your doing but the person who's going through a bad time might feel like that. It's still best to look after yourself though. This must not be easy for you either.

    Have you looked at those other charities that you were thinking about? What about the GP? There needs to be support there for him. Its good that he's doing voluntary work because that can help a lot.

    You do have a point when you mentioned about his job and quitting altogether for him to look after him as he's not in a good frame of mind right now in taking on so much work. Either he needs to get long term professional help or he quits his job because he can't carry on as normal.

    With finding a house is not something you should think of right now as that's proberly the least of your worries so that needs to be put to rest but with helping Mr Riot, Work, Support and seeing the GP is ideal.

    You just have to be there for him which is the most important thing.

    Hugs x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No I was judgemental, unneededly so, yesterday. Its not easy because in addition we've also had it in the ear from my mum.

    He can't make any decisions on anything - one moment he wants to go see the GP, the next he doesn't. He won't go and get signed off yet even though he was nearly in tears again after work. Feel like I'm bashing my head against a brick wall! :(

    He needs both IMO!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    As I said before you can be there for him and not judge him or put him down.

    I know it's hard right now but things get easier. You said he wants help then doesn't. That's how he's feeling, it's not like he doesn't want the help though in the mean time let him decide when he wants the help.

    You could still look at those charities as that would be a good idea. Maybe think of one's like Mind or The Smartians. That would good to find out. Maybe wait and arrange an appointment with the GP at a later date.

    Are you receiving any help or advice? What do u think about that?

    At least you and Mr Riot got each other and that's the most important.

    Please keep reaching out x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Theres no mind services in my county, rethink have no counselling services here, theres samaritains but they aren't good (or really set up here at least) for on going regular support, and the other non faith based local charity i found had an 3 month waiting list which is too long for him to wait. The only options left are him going to the GP and going through place where I get sporadic support from.

    I haven't got great support in my area partly because the local mental health services won't see me until after the court case is finished, so theres not much i can do there...i have friends but they're mainly mutual ones, my best friend is having a hard time with her partner as he has lots of long term health issues.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No, the services won't see you during a court case, that's pretty common; it's the same in Dr Roll's trust.

    As for him, it's tough when anxiety and depression makes someone chronically indecisive. If he's bored or stressed at work it'll make him even more indecisive, especially if he sees taking time off sick as quitting or giving in. Maybe take some time to reassure him that it's not a sign of weakness to admit defeat and take some time off.

    Although bear in mind time off can be two-sided, as keeping structure in life whilst off on long-term sick leave can be pretty tricky. I'd hate to see him go on sick and hit the bottle, which sounds like is his usual way of coping.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You said that there arnt many support services like Mind and The Samaritans sent helpful you say but as it would be for Mr Riot and not you he might find The Smartians helpful.

    I know this maybe something he doesn't wanna do right now but he can always go there when he feels ready. I do think seeing the GP would be a good idea because there needs to be some support there for him if he isn't getting any support right now.

    You may need to talk to him again otherwise as what you did last time by going with him there would be the best option for him to speak to someone whilst your there with him.

    I can understand that he may want to work and keep busy which is fair enough and its the money as well so I dont think you can really force him not work when he feels in himself that he is doing alright and as he's cut the hours of his work then that should be ok.

    Again by being there for him is important as he may not be in a good frame of mind but you wanna be there if anything happens. I still think by making an appointment to seeing the GP, looking into The Smartians for him and supporting him with work is something you should do.

    There's nothing you can do for the time being with looking at other support services when you mentioned about yours court case appearing. You cant do nothing about that but it maybe worth to remain on that waiting list for the time being and once this court case is sorted then you can think of other support out there.

    You might find friendship cafes, support groups, charties, workshops and voluntary work something to still look into. Again as I said before about searching and seeing if there's anything out there. You will find something I'm sure.

    CrazyCat x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    MrRiot had a breakdown...

    Him and little one spent the weekend away with me and he seemed a lot more relaxed after a while, but he was in a panic again this morning when going back. I talked to him about counselling and he's said he needs to talk to someone on an ongoing basis, not one offs like what the Samaritains offer in my area.

    He's not cut his hours, they've just offered to change him to a less stressful account - he's still doing the same work in the same environment and he's been struggling with himself to not just walk out - it's evident that he's being bullied but because it's a group of female staff he feels he'll be laughed at if he reports it or it'll make things worse especially as one of them is his direct line manager.

    I've looked locally and there's no friendship cafe or support group within 12 miles (and neither of us drive).

    I think him doing some volunteering work (and getting him back into craft stuff -tapestry/crochet/knitting and maybe furniture making if we can get some planes and a few other bits) would help. He's been talking a lot about going to uni (this September is possible) but he has no A levels (but I was told he could apply as a mature student has he's over 26?), I know that him going back into education would help him more than anything, but I don't know what his options would be?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Miss Riot, sorry for the late reply.

    I think it was a good idea for you and Mr Riot to get away and have a nice relaxing weekend off without having to worrying about anything back home.

    You said he was feeling a lot better then but when he got back the problems started to come back again. I can understand from having a break away that he has to come back some time and I know that's just life.

    I'm glad he was able to confide in you this time round then when he couldn't before so it shows things are slowly improving with the communication thing but I'm pleased to hear from him he wants longer term help as you thought about getting in touch with the support service your with and I thought it would be a good idea to look into that and that's what he deserves.

    It maybe that he can look into long term counselling. You wanna find one which is gonna be supportive, relieble and ongoing. I think look online and type in counselling in your area and see what it comes up with.

    I don't know if this would be any help but have you heard of Get Connected? They are a non helpline service who listen and access local services to people in there area. You might find talking to them by phone or web chat can give you varies organisations in your area if your finding it difficult to know what is out there. What do you think?

    I can see why you think the Samaritans won't be helpful in a sense of Mr Riot not being able to get one to one on going support but remember that The Smartians are always there so he might find talking on the phone might help instead. What other support are out there like Samaritans in your area?

    That's why I think Get Connected might be the help you need to access support for him in the mean time. You just have to say what kind of help you are looking for and they will find the services for you in your area.

    Im sorry to hear what he's going through but I do think he needs to report it, he may find it embarrassing and difficult to tell his manager that some female colleagues are bullying him but he doesnt need to say that but just say I'm finding it hard to get on with some of the female colleagues at work and its effecting my performance. That's all he needs to say.

    I can see work is an issue for not just him but for you two. I know its difficult to know what to do when someone isn't well to go to work or do anything but they need to get on with it to pay the bills and earn a living. However, do you think it had some time off it would be more then less helpful for him to not feel the pressure at work but not have to worry about pay because he would get sick pay. Would you be able to discuss that with him? If it doesn't go down well and he wants to go to work then you will just have to accept that and look at it that he's working but in a less stressful department. That maybe the only way he can cope when things get bad.

    Again as I said before, I think Get Connected might be the answer to finding out wether there is anything. You may not be looking outside of your local town. You do need a way of getting there if it's out of town but if its within 12 miles that's fine and I'm sure there's bus and they can refund him the bus fair every time. It's working looking into that but also charites aseell is something to look into. You said you have some near you.

    Yh charites is a really idea to try. You mentioned about him doing crafts or knitting and that's something he likes so he should go for it and look around. It might be a good idea to by some craft sets and him doing it at home.

    That's good that you mentioned college because that's another thing two. Do you think it would be a good idea to good to your local college and ask for a free broucher so Mr Riot can look into college courses? I don't think having no A Levels should matter right now but I think it will more likely for him to go to college one to two days a week depending and thinking about doing his A Levels again. Theres always time for him to do that. Also you are right about him applying for a mature student at uni but I think college would be the next step forward if he's looking into education again.

    Is there any training programs where you are? Its difficult to know what you have in you area as I dont know where abouts in the UK you are. Could you tell me just so that I know the best way to help? Dont tell me your address or phone number, that's not necessary.

    I think you do have a few options there. If you need anyone to talk to then you can always talk to us remember.

    CrazyCat x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He's not doing brilliantly, we've just been let down on yet another house and he's getting grief from his dad about it all. I also found out he can't get help from the SARC (sexual assault referral centre) because they've changed they're remits of who they can help.

    He's got the boxes packed and I think he might just walk out of work this week because his concerns haven't been listened to because he's leaving.

    He's going to do a
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