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Should I get back with my ex?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
Hi

About a month ago I broke up with my boyfriend. It happened all so fast. I hadn't been thinking about ending our relationship a lot. It just kinda all came out one day. I thought the reason I did this was because I didn't have feelings for him and also I was scared because he was wanting me to meet his mum and I've never met a boyfriend's parents before. So I think I broke up with him because I was scared and things were moving very fast.

Recently we had started talking again and I can't stop thinking about him. I keep having dreams about us getting back together. In the dreams I am really happy that we are together again. Then when I wake up I remember that I did break up with him and that I did hurt him.

I just want to be with him all the time. But I'm unsure as to whether I miss him or I just miss being in a relationship. I have to be really sure if I want him back because I can't get back together with him and then break up with him again. I cannot do that to him again.

I'm fine with the fact that if I ask him out again that he might rejected me. I just need to know whether I should take this chance or not.

I'm very unsure of what to do. Anyone got any advice please? x

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    SarahRSarahR Posts: 213 Trailblazer
    Hi mhari

    Welcome to TheSite :) It sounds like you're feeling unsure about whether you should try and get back with your ex. It's good that you want to get some advice before making the decision and that you've recognised there are several complicating factors.

    It might help to think more about why it was you decided to end the relationship in the first place. You mentioned that you hadn't been thinking about it a lot before you did it, and also that you think you might have been scared about things moving too fast. However, you've also said you don't think you had feelings for him. It sounds important to try and decide which of these things was the biggest reason for the break-up. Did you enjoy being with him while the relationship lasted (eg looking forward to seeing him, having things in common, enjoying conversations, being attracted to him etc)? If you're in doubt about this, it might be better to let things lie.

    It's totally normal to miss someone and miss the relationship after a break-up, even if it was you who instigated it. However, if you feel like you were hasty in making the decision and you really do think you'd be happier with him, you could try talking to him to see how he feels. It's good that you've recognised he may not be thrilled about the prospect of getting back together - being dumped sucks and it could be he's still feeling hurt.

    I hope this is helpful :)

    Sarah
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You sound really impulsive, probably because you are quite young? Meeting someone's parents is quite a usual progression in a relationship and just because you met them does not mean stuff is suddenly super serious.

    With this youth often comes the insecurity and the love for being validated, i.e. drawing self-esteem out of the fact that you are in a relationship.

    If you break up with someone without something grave happening and without having given it thought beforehand then I think you just do not fancy your partner enough, as you also said: You think the reason you broke up with him is that you did not have feelings for him.

    I actually think that you just now miss being in a relationship and that there won't be a lot of feelings once again if you get back together. I mean your circumstances are far from being the worst in terms of getting back together with an ex, but as you rightfully recognized it is not very fair to your ex to have him go through that again, so if you haven't suddenly found something in your ex that you've missed before I'd say getting back together with him will only result in you breaking it off a second time.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there, I can see this a difficult situation for you to be in when not only you don't know if you wanna be in a relationship but wether you have feelings for the person.

    I think you are now aware of the implications it might have wether taking him back then breaking up with him again, it sounds like making up your mind is important not just for you but for him two.

    The last thing you want to happen is hurt him even more when this wouldn't be fair on not just him but anyone in that situation go begin with.

    You mentioned about making up your mind before you act upon it and that's the right thing to do completely because once you have made up your mind that means the descion would of been made. I do think thinking about it very carefully and then making your mind is the best idea to go by.

    I do think seeing him face to face will be ideal as not only will you tell him how you feel but he wouldn't get so hurt from text. You should give him the time of day for that and wether you say I want us to have another go then being prepared for his answer is crucial as he may turn round and say no and being mad with him doesn't give you much sympathy.

    Maybe think about what your going to do and if that still doesnt help then either talking to a friend about this or writing down a list of what you like about him and what you don't like will determine wether you want a relationship.

    I hope that helps x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi

    This is a kind of update on the situation. To not confuse anyone, the guy I talked about in the previous post we will call A and the guy I dated before A we will call H.

    Anyway, I realised something. About a month before I got together with A, H had broken up with me. So I hadn't got over H when I started A. Now I believe that I do I have feelings for A but I thought I didn't because I wasn't over H. Therefore anything that I felt I thought was feelings for H.

    But now that I am completely over H, and trust me I am, I have all these feelings and they must be for A. Because I can't stop thinking about him. I want to be with him and talk to him all the time. When we hang out together I want to take his hand and kiss him.

    Also I'm pretty sure I don't just miss being in the relationship because when I imagine doing relationship stuff, I always picture him as the one I'm with.

    I hope this makes sense to you. But if any of you think that this is not the case, please tell me. Because if I am going to ask him back then I have to 100% sure that that's what I want.

    I hope you can help me. xx
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nobody can tell you if it's the right or wrong thing to do. All we know about you is your online testimony. Only you have a true grasp of the situation. People often do a lot of mental gymnastics to explain things they want to be true, but are in reality not wholly convinced of. You do not have to convince us though.

    If you are certain about it, go for it. You might never know 100%. You might think you do beforehand, but once the cards are dealt and you are back together feelings return that may not be all positive. But if you have thought this through and these feelings are persistent it cannot harm to open the dialogue with him and see what he has to say about this.
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