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No kids? Deal breaker?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
Hello,

My girlfriend and I have been together for little over a year now. Im 24 she is 25.

As far as the relationship is, it's one that we both enjoy doing the same thing. We never really argue or raise are voices at each other (dont get me wrong theres been a few disagreements but far and few between). We have the same dream to move abroad etc.

Now this may sound like we are both at fault (maybe we are?) but since day one, she knew I wanted kids and I kind of knew she didn't....

I brought it up the other day saying that do you really 100% dont want kids and her reply was that no she dosen't. When I ask why she never really gives an answer apart from one time whereby she said she didnt want to be put in a situation where she couldnt support the child.

She dosent want to get married either, which is fine for me. I would like too but its not that big of a deal if im not married.

What is a big deal is that one day I want to settle down and have atleast one child. I cant imagine being in my 70's and looking back and not having a child or grandchild! If im honest it scares me a little!

Thing is I don't want to end things with her, I really do love her and couldn't imagine life without her...I kind of understand that I need to think what I want more, her or a child.

I brought this up now as I would like some advice, I dont want kids until im late 20's early 30's anyway.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey if i was you I would sit down and have a talk with your gf just tell how that you would really like a kid some day maybe she scared to have one incase she think you will leave her or something or that she can't support it just have a talk with her cause you never know maybe she might want one but not telling you the reason why she doesn't want any right now but if she really doesn't want a kid then you need to discuss your further if you want a kid really badly maybe she isn't the one for you because a relationship is what both partners what and if you both want different things in life then maybe you don't belong together but have a talk with her first before you dissed what you want to do good luck let me know how you get one always here if you need to talk x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes, not being on the same page with children is a deal breaker. There is simply no middle ground and compromise. You cannot have half a child. If nobody of you changes their stance on this it will foster resentment between you. Granted, her opinion sounds a little bit weak. It could simply be that the prospect of pregnancy and parenthood scare her, because in a society with financial support programs in place there will hardly be a situation where you cannot support your child. Children are pretty resilient and poor people all over the globe raise them. You don't have to pamper them to make them grow up as healthy individuals so maybe there is some room for discussion. Maybe she is not upfront with her real reasons (does she get angry, tries to change the topic if children are coming up?).

    I would lay the cards on the table and tell her that you cannot keep going on without being on the same page. It is ultimately a waste of both of your time. If you can - with research, how much it costs to raise a baby etc. - convince her that you will be able to support the child (if worst comes to worst, do you have family that would be willing to help out with babysitting or stuff like that? I don't know your situation) and see what she has to say. If you cannot tackle the hurdle I don't see a way around a separation, because sooner or later the relationship will break on that issue.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello Vnx,

    This sounds like a tricky situation to be in. If you're certain you want children, this feeling won't go away and as you said, you don't want to get to 70 and be living with the regret of never starting a family. You only get one life and it would be a shame to miss out on becoming a father if that's what you truly want. It's a real shame that you and your girlfriend get on in so many other ways but can't see eye to eye on this. But this is a big issue not to see eye to eye on and it's probably best confronting it sooner rather than later and working out whether your relationship can continue or not. As you pointed out, it's also important to think about whether having kids is more important to you than your relationship with your girlfriend.

    Try to find the right time and place to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend about it. It's important be honest with her and to make it clear that having children is very important to you. Ask her how she feels about what you've said and ask her to be honest and open about her thoughts on having children and her future with you. Like StrubbleS and Louise95 have suggested, try finding out why your girlfriend is worried she might find herself unable to provide for a child.

    But ultimately, if she's certain she never wants to have children, whatever her reasons are, it's important to respect this. You'll then have to decide together whether your relationship should go any further. Good luck and get in touch if you need anymore support.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Vnx, Looks like u know what u want and that's a good thing to have in a relationship. I don't blame u for feeling the way u do. I dont think getting urself worked up about this will do u any favours because u havent done nothing wrong.

    I do think that u need to take appropriate action for ur own rights in terms of where u wanna to be now as u said about getting older, more wiser with the exception of meeting someone u feel u can settle down with. I believe talking to her and being honest is the only way forward to know where u will stand.

    You need to be honest right now, u can't hide no more. You told us how u feel so u need to tell her how u feel. Once this is out in the open I do think u will feel much better that u were able to confide in her and get her to listen. Talking face to face has got to be the best answer for ur situation. There's the only way she will listen to u.

    However, u have to do the same for her two so if she wants to have her say then u need to respect that as well. This is not all about u mentioning what u want but it's about her as well. You won't know till u try and u don't know she may want what u want. I dont think it's fair for both of u not to have this conversation. They say honesty is the best policy and that's what u need.

    Even if u and her end things then it's not the end of the world. Surely ur both remain friends and keep in touch. I dont think there will be any nasty comments made towards one another but as u two are such a good fit together as u mentioned in ur post then I will feel sorry on how it's come to this and I just hope u both regret this.

    The best thing to do now is talk to her,

    That's it x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This is how I look at it....
    Yes, having children is a dream, but if you truly love her, would you give love up to fulfill your dream? There is no wrong answer to this. I think that you need to prioritize. I look at marriage as more important. Yes, kids would be nice. But these kids will grow up, move out, and eventually have their own families, where your potential girlfriend or wife will be the preson you wake up next to every morning, have coffee with, etc. for the rest of your life.

    It's your own decision, and there is no wrong answer!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How are you feeling? I wanted to see wether you managed to speak to your gf about this? I do think being open a d honest with her is something you should do.

    I know it's hard that you don't want her to think any differently of you but it will work out better if you told her then having to pretend that having kids isn't on your mind right now when really it is.

    You both have to as I said before sit down and talk about this. Once you said what you had to say then listen to her and if there is still a future then that's great but if not then both of you got to be honest.

    There are people who want to settle down and have kids straight away who think they have found the one and are happy but its not about what they just want but what the other person wants. I'm not saying you got to do what she says but saying it's about compromising.

    I think you need to ask yourself if this is what you want and if it is you will have to tell her. You should do this in your own time.

    Good Luck x
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