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Friend treated badly without realising
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
So my friend lost her virginity over the weekend, and was telling me about it earlier.
She was very very drunk, not into the sex at all, and despite telling him that she didn't really want to have sex, gave in in the end. And when she told him she wasn't turned on or anything during it, he was just like 'I think you are.' In the end he stopped and they called it a night.
She didn't seem particularly upset by it when she was telling me. I think the guy sounds like a dickhead and the sex sounds rapey and grim. I told her I thought he was inconsiderate and thoughtless, and how I found it weird that she wanted to see him again (thankfully he lives too far away so she won't be seeing him.) She just replied that it wasn't that bad and he seemed nice enough.
She's pretty naive and I don't trust her judgement about most things. I don't want her to think that being treated like that is normal or acceptable, but I also don't want to upset her by telling her that what she thinks was bad but not like BAD sex was in fact rapey and horrible. If she brings it up again what should I tell her?
She was very very drunk, not into the sex at all, and despite telling him that she didn't really want to have sex, gave in in the end. And when she told him she wasn't turned on or anything during it, he was just like 'I think you are.' In the end he stopped and they called it a night.
She didn't seem particularly upset by it when she was telling me. I think the guy sounds like a dickhead and the sex sounds rapey and grim. I told her I thought he was inconsiderate and thoughtless, and how I found it weird that she wanted to see him again (thankfully he lives too far away so she won't be seeing him.) She just replied that it wasn't that bad and he seemed nice enough.
She's pretty naive and I don't trust her judgement about most things. I don't want her to think that being treated like that is normal or acceptable, but I also don't want to upset her by telling her that what she thinks was bad but not like BAD sex was in fact rapey and horrible. If she brings it up again what should I tell her?
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I think she is just desperate to belong to the "grown-up" crowd who has sex and relationship so she goes far beyond her comfort levels and she should know that this can be damaging for her. I would tell her that her experience sounds horrifying, that the guy sounds shady at best and that this is not the normal course of action between two sensible adults. If she flips her shit telling you that you "don't understand their love" then I guess all you can do is sit back and have her make her own mistakes.
I think it's good that you're talking about it here. It sounds like it brings up strong feelings in you, so it's good that you have a space to get them out.
In terms of supporting your friend, I have a different perspective (which I hope is helpful, rather than confusing, advice-wise!). To me, it sounds like the best thing at the moment would be to be as open and supportive as possible (which doesn't mean you need to think it's OK). If she feels judged, or feels ashamed or silly about it, that could make her feel defensive or shut down and so feel less able to talk about it.
If she is underplaying how it makes her feel, that might be because she needs to right now. But I think expressing concern and letting her know you're there for her is a really nice thing to do
Sounds like a tricky subject to handle but it's lovely you care about your friend's well-being so much. I agree with Danny; at the moment try and be there for your friend as much as possible so that if she does reflect on the situation and feel bad about it, she knows you'll be there to support her.
Losing your virginity is a big thing to a lot of people and a very sensitive subject, so it might be hurtful for your friend if you talk to the her about it in a way that sounds judgmental and disapproving.
If or when you chat about it again, perhaps try to approach it from the angle that as her friend, you care about her and want to make sure she's OK. I'm sure she'll really appreciate your support.
I think your a really good friend and anyone would be happy to be your friend. Theres no doubt about it that your just trying to be protective of your friend as you dont want to see her get hurt. Thats very understandable.
Theres no easy way of getting ur friend to listen to u apart from always being there for her and that includes boys. Your friend has to see realise herself wether she thinks this guy is worth going out with or not.
I do think she made a stupid mistake by getting drunk and sleeping with him. You have to be really careful when you jump into bed with the first guy u meet because anything could of happened without her being aware of.
Hopefully she will know that this guy maybe was a one night stand and nothing more. Eventhough it may of been a mistake but shes not the only girl who has had a one night stand. I know in time she will look back at this and thank you that you saved her from a player.
Both of u should enjoy spending time with each other and hanging out. You never know, u could bump into two lads on your travels who will like you for u and then your friend will not have that other guy on her mind no more by moving on.
Good Luck with it.
My housemate told her what Strubbles said to (maybe more gently tho) and then she replied that she would have wanted to see him again to give it a try when they're sober. We told her that was daft and he sounds like a dickhead but she wasn't having any of it.
I guess there's nothing to do apart from wait for her to say something about it in the future. If we push it any more I think that to her it would just feel like we were pushing our own experiences onto her.
If you do want to make a difference in the long run, maybe it would be helpful instead to support her on things that might drive the need to do certain things? So, if you think she lacks self-confidence, or assertiveness, or feels lonely, then you could help reassure her with these?
How is this making you feel?
I guess that's true, sadly enough. If you are persistent with your very valid concerns (that she is having none of), you might just push her away and prevent her from coming to you for help, because she is afraid of a self-righteous "TOLD YOU SO!"
Maybe just let her know she is in an abusive thing with this guy (back this up with some "watch out for these things in your abusive partner"-checklist from some abused people hotline website thing) and let her know that she can come to you or call this number if things are getting bad.
You're right to consider her feelings on the matter and as you say, she could feel like you're pushing your experiences on her which could put her on the defensive. However, it's good that you've been able to open the conversation about this. It could be helpful to frame your concerns more in the way of how you are checking in with her because you're her friend and you're worried about her getting hurt just to let her know that you're there for her, not to judge her.
If you think it might be helpful in explaining why you have been worried for her, you could show her an article online as StrubbleS said. TheSite has one here that outlines abusive behaviour and lists some sites and organisations that can help if she ever felt like she needed it: What is abuse?
ah yes, this is good. Make sure she reads through it. Even if she discards it, it will sit on the back of her mind and she will "re-check" once shit gets worse.
I don't think he's interested in seeing her again so thankfully there will be no 'getting worse' this time
I don't think this is the last time your friend gets herself with someone who's trouble, based on her decision making outlined here, so just keep in mind that this would be a good approach to things if such a situation arises again, but for now this is good news.
It sounds like a difficult situation but it's great that you look after her as a friend.
I agree with one of the posters saying the best you can do right now is be there for your friend and stay open-minded, even if you don't agree with her..I know it's hard but maybe she needs more time to process what happened and accept the actual situation.
Supporting her in improving her self-esteem might be a good idea? :chin:
If you think that this could help, there is a great article about that
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/how-can-i-help-myself/#.VQ7MeEIwTKA
Good luck with it and take care.