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My story: Abuse, self harm and coping with bullying
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My Story:
This is about physical, and mental abuse, as well as self harm.
It all started from when I was a child, physical abuse, I was beat daily by my mom's husband (my biological dad), I have never and will never call him "Dad" he is the furthest thing from a parent so I refer to him as Dan. Well no matter what wrong I did I was always severely beat, hit beyond control, and that went on for years, until one day I was about 15 years old he broke down my door and tried to beat me I was just kicking and kicking and my leg went through my glass dresser and I picked up a broken piece of glass and threw it at him, missing yes, but finally taking a stand, than I reached for a glass candle and I hit Dan in his face busting it open. That day forward he never physically abused me again, instead it turned to the worst mental abuse you could ever encounter. I was tormented daily any name in the book you could think of I was called and anything he could make fun of me about Dan did. My mom knew bits and pieces of everything but she's not a take control kind of person even though she acts like it, with that being said I never had any help dealing with this. With the abuse I had at home I also stuffed from severe bullying at school, yes even from a young age all the way through high school. Let's start with middle school, I can't remember much but the one main that started in 7th grade, but the thing I was bullied about most was my eyebrows because they weren't perfect. The guys and girls gave me a nickname 'Bert' and tormented me everyday. I finally started plucking, and plucking til I barely had any left. The bullying got worse, I still never said a word to anyone. I'm not sure how I found this but I clearly did, cutting (self harm), I found this to be so self soothing everytime I felt the horrible mental emotions that came along with the years of abuse and bullying. I also came across a song called "Hold On" when I'm those moment I felt like commuting suicide and ending it all, that song helped countless times. I cut ALOT back then, I use to cut the entirety of both my arms. No one ever knew. I finally shaved what was left of my eyebrows off and started drawing them on oh boy did it all get worse than. We move on from 7th grade and let's just pass 8th because the tourment was just as bad than we go into high school. My town combines with another town's high school which means more people, new people. My old bullies made new friends, which meant new bullies. Things in high school only got worse, the making fun of, the name calling, you name it I went through it. At this point my cutting was extreme. I forgot to mention in 7th and 8th grade I played basketball, sports were my life. Freshman year to the beginning of junior year I still played sports it helped take my mind off things. Even that failed me, or I failed myself. Finally one day in school I forgot and I pushed up my sleeves because it was hot and apparently someone saw my marks til this day I still don't know who, but I was called down for a meeting and thankfully at this point in time I had a rabbit and I was able to lay blame on her from my marks. It was dismissed and no one suspected a thing. From there the cutting continued, my depression continued, I took to drinking, which led to certain drugs, which led to non stop partying skipping school and drinking at noon. The bullying was so bad that I wouldn't even go to half my classes so I'd sit in the school's library. I didn't have many friends so teachers were more my friends than anything. One thing led to another in high school and the bullying went beyond that to one specific girl and she threatened to stab me. By this time everything was out of control and I've gotten in two physical fights. I was told I couldn't come back to school for 4 days. Oh I forgot to mention when I was threatened I than told my mom and she tried talking to the principle he paid no mind. I never fought the girl who threatened me but her friend and another bully. That being said my mom wasn't upset that I stood up for myself and instead of being grounded, which let's be serious I never was in my life. My older cousin took me to her boyfriends house where I partied all those days drank, etc. I even hooked up with someone way to old for me. By this time I was clearly out of control no help in sight. I never had friends like most people do. We finally got a computer and I spent endless hours on it talking to strangers, never knowing all the dangers. I dated very bad people, and even some I met through "friends" I've hung out and dated drug dealers, gang members and more. I was basically brought up under a rock I was never told of all the horrid the world held. So I started hanging out with strangers and all seemed good until one day I met this one guy who was like me "damaged" everything was great for 3 days until worse happened. He raped me and I became pregnant. He had the nerve to I.M. me a few days later like nothing had ever happened, he ask to meet him again. Long story short my body couldn't handle the pregnancy and it was terminated. Do you know what being 16 and going through everything I had than having this added to it is like? I never told anyone I was raped I let my mom think it was an irresponsible teenage act for years. I kept on drinking and cutting for a few more years because "it helped". I finally met someone a good guy, apparently I went to high school with him and never knew it. He was a senior and I was a freshman so I had never seen him around really, reason I didn't know. By the time we met we were both way out of school. We had ALOT in common we had fun and still partied until was 21 years old. I had my last drink in 2010 and I stopped cutting a little before that and stopped any drugs a little before that. We were together for 5 years than got married, it will be 2 years and it's almost 7 years we've been together total. Well a little before we got married I went to finally get help. This mean I finally told my mom everything, and she thought I was lying about some stuff because how could a parent not know all this is going on. I certainly wasn't so I went to a place which clearly didn't keep therapists for a long time I went through four which diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, OCD, intermittent explosive disorder, insomina, and a few others. I was than put on tons of different meds non worked, not even the sleeping meds. I did forget did say I've had a sleeping disorder since I was 16. This ended bad she over dosed me than I ended up in the hospital from drawls. Needless to say I stopped all vists. It took me a year to be able to see a legit therapist and I seen her three visit and she mentioned meds and I stopped seeing her too, at that point I still wasn't over the trauma of being over dosed. At this point in time, I've pushed everyone I've ever had away including the shady friends the only friends I had. By this time I was ended my fourth job. I would have never figured I'd end up jobless, and basically friendless. What saved me in total from suicide and everything was my dogs, I learned about the cruelty to animals and became an advocate, from there an activist and I've saved many lives and I'm well respected by many. I may not have friends I can physically hangout with but I have some pretty cool advocates/activist I became friends with that I can talk to. Sadly helping animals I noticed was just another cover over my problems, even though I love helping and would never stop it's time to face all my issues and get the help I need. I may need to be put on meds to help I see that now, I thought I could fix myself but all I did was make myself worse. As of 2/15/15 my depression is beyond ground breaking, the thoughts of suicide are here and I've relapsed with cutting, thankfully it's not bad, but I don't know what the next few weeks, or even days could hold. My husband is bi polar and can only handle so much. So here I am telling my story asking help, advice. Because of all my drinking and such I suffer from memory loss and I was only able to tell you what I remember about my past, I can't even remember good things my memory is pretty crappy now. My sleepless nights are the worst with my thoughts. I feel like I'm forgetting more but I just can't remember at this point in time.
I know what I wanted to add.
My family outside of my mom, her husband and my husband don't know this about me. Til this day even though the bullies are gone, the mental abuse still stands. One piece of good news is after 10 years with NO eyebrows my husband finally helped me get them tattooed on. It doesn't take away the abuse but it sure as heck lifts a burden off my shoulders, I never have to worry about how long it will take to put them on, etc. It's like being free. I'm also having trouble controling my explosive disorder again, which is a scary thing. Another good thing is I've been writing for years so when I feel horrendous I write. Until I get the proper help, I can't move forward in my life with my husband.
This is about physical, and mental abuse, as well as self harm.
It all started from when I was a child, physical abuse, I was beat daily by my mom's husband (my biological dad), I have never and will never call him "Dad" he is the furthest thing from a parent so I refer to him as Dan. Well no matter what wrong I did I was always severely beat, hit beyond control, and that went on for years, until one day I was about 15 years old he broke down my door and tried to beat me I was just kicking and kicking and my leg went through my glass dresser and I picked up a broken piece of glass and threw it at him, missing yes, but finally taking a stand, than I reached for a glass candle and I hit Dan in his face busting it open. That day forward he never physically abused me again, instead it turned to the worst mental abuse you could ever encounter. I was tormented daily any name in the book you could think of I was called and anything he could make fun of me about Dan did. My mom knew bits and pieces of everything but she's not a take control kind of person even though she acts like it, with that being said I never had any help dealing with this. With the abuse I had at home I also stuffed from severe bullying at school, yes even from a young age all the way through high school. Let's start with middle school, I can't remember much but the one main that started in 7th grade, but the thing I was bullied about most was my eyebrows because they weren't perfect. The guys and girls gave me a nickname 'Bert' and tormented me everyday. I finally started plucking, and plucking til I barely had any left. The bullying got worse, I still never said a word to anyone. I'm not sure how I found this but I clearly did, cutting (self harm), I found this to be so self soothing everytime I felt the horrible mental emotions that came along with the years of abuse and bullying. I also came across a song called "Hold On" when I'm those moment I felt like commuting suicide and ending it all, that song helped countless times. I cut ALOT back then, I use to cut the entirety of both my arms. No one ever knew. I finally shaved what was left of my eyebrows off and started drawing them on oh boy did it all get worse than. We move on from 7th grade and let's just pass 8th because the tourment was just as bad than we go into high school. My town combines with another town's high school which means more people, new people. My old bullies made new friends, which meant new bullies. Things in high school only got worse, the making fun of, the name calling, you name it I went through it. At this point my cutting was extreme. I forgot to mention in 7th and 8th grade I played basketball, sports were my life. Freshman year to the beginning of junior year I still played sports it helped take my mind off things. Even that failed me, or I failed myself. Finally one day in school I forgot and I pushed up my sleeves because it was hot and apparently someone saw my marks til this day I still don't know who, but I was called down for a meeting and thankfully at this point in time I had a rabbit and I was able to lay blame on her from my marks. It was dismissed and no one suspected a thing. From there the cutting continued, my depression continued, I took to drinking, which led to certain drugs, which led to non stop partying skipping school and drinking at noon. The bullying was so bad that I wouldn't even go to half my classes so I'd sit in the school's library. I didn't have many friends so teachers were more my friends than anything. One thing led to another in high school and the bullying went beyond that to one specific girl and she threatened to stab me. By this time everything was out of control and I've gotten in two physical fights. I was told I couldn't come back to school for 4 days. Oh I forgot to mention when I was threatened I than told my mom and she tried talking to the principle he paid no mind. I never fought the girl who threatened me but her friend and another bully. That being said my mom wasn't upset that I stood up for myself and instead of being grounded, which let's be serious I never was in my life. My older cousin took me to her boyfriends house where I partied all those days drank, etc. I even hooked up with someone way to old for me. By this time I was clearly out of control no help in sight. I never had friends like most people do. We finally got a computer and I spent endless hours on it talking to strangers, never knowing all the dangers. I dated very bad people, and even some I met through "friends" I've hung out and dated drug dealers, gang members and more. I was basically brought up under a rock I was never told of all the horrid the world held. So I started hanging out with strangers and all seemed good until one day I met this one guy who was like me "damaged" everything was great for 3 days until worse happened. He raped me and I became pregnant. He had the nerve to I.M. me a few days later like nothing had ever happened, he ask to meet him again. Long story short my body couldn't handle the pregnancy and it was terminated. Do you know what being 16 and going through everything I had than having this added to it is like? I never told anyone I was raped I let my mom think it was an irresponsible teenage act for years. I kept on drinking and cutting for a few more years because "it helped". I finally met someone a good guy, apparently I went to high school with him and never knew it. He was a senior and I was a freshman so I had never seen him around really, reason I didn't know. By the time we met we were both way out of school. We had ALOT in common we had fun and still partied until was 21 years old. I had my last drink in 2010 and I stopped cutting a little before that and stopped any drugs a little before that. We were together for 5 years than got married, it will be 2 years and it's almost 7 years we've been together total. Well a little before we got married I went to finally get help. This mean I finally told my mom everything, and she thought I was lying about some stuff because how could a parent not know all this is going on. I certainly wasn't so I went to a place which clearly didn't keep therapists for a long time I went through four which diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, OCD, intermittent explosive disorder, insomina, and a few others. I was than put on tons of different meds non worked, not even the sleeping meds. I did forget did say I've had a sleeping disorder since I was 16. This ended bad she over dosed me than I ended up in the hospital from drawls. Needless to say I stopped all vists. It took me a year to be able to see a legit therapist and I seen her three visit and she mentioned meds and I stopped seeing her too, at that point I still wasn't over the trauma of being over dosed. At this point in time, I've pushed everyone I've ever had away including the shady friends the only friends I had. By this time I was ended my fourth job. I would have never figured I'd end up jobless, and basically friendless. What saved me in total from suicide and everything was my dogs, I learned about the cruelty to animals and became an advocate, from there an activist and I've saved many lives and I'm well respected by many. I may not have friends I can physically hangout with but I have some pretty cool advocates/activist I became friends with that I can talk to. Sadly helping animals I noticed was just another cover over my problems, even though I love helping and would never stop it's time to face all my issues and get the help I need. I may need to be put on meds to help I see that now, I thought I could fix myself but all I did was make myself worse. As of 2/15/15 my depression is beyond ground breaking, the thoughts of suicide are here and I've relapsed with cutting, thankfully it's not bad, but I don't know what the next few weeks, or even days could hold. My husband is bi polar and can only handle so much. So here I am telling my story asking help, advice. Because of all my drinking and such I suffer from memory loss and I was only able to tell you what I remember about my past, I can't even remember good things my memory is pretty crappy now. My sleepless nights are the worst with my thoughts. I feel like I'm forgetting more but I just can't remember at this point in time.
I know what I wanted to add.
My family outside of my mom, her husband and my husband don't know this about me. Til this day even though the bullies are gone, the mental abuse still stands. One piece of good news is after 10 years with NO eyebrows my husband finally helped me get them tattooed on. It doesn't take away the abuse but it sure as heck lifts a burden off my shoulders, I never have to worry about how long it will take to put them on, etc. It's like being free. I'm also having trouble controling my explosive disorder again, which is a scary thing. Another good thing is I've been writing for years so when I feel horrendous I write. Until I get the proper help, I can't move forward in my life with my husband.
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Comments
I try to live by these words daily. I refuse to give up, fighting is all I've ever known and I will do so, I just need some guidance.
Welcome to TheSite
It sounds positive that through all of your difficulties you've managed to find things to help you through, such as listening to a favourite song, playing sport and becoming an animal rights activist. I do hope that you can continue with these things as, even though your problems may persist, the activities could give you some valuable breathing space.
Take care and I hope things start to improve for you soon.