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Self harm
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I just joined this site in hopes of learning how to help my 16 yr old son who I have recently found out has been cutting . I don't understand why he would want to do this to himself ? It really hurts to see that your child feels the need to self harm and won't talk to you about what is going on.:crying: feel free to give advice on how to handle this.
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Welcome to TheSite :thumb:
I am sorry to hear about your son.
TheSite have lots of info on self harm
It is hard for young people to open up about self harm, due to the stigma that surrounds it.
I know it's hard but the fact he wont talk to you about what is going on, is completely normal. Sometimes it's a fear of how people may react. I know for me personally I found it very hard to first tell my mum I was self harming. And even now I don't ever speak about it to my family.
Also came across this on YoungMinds. It's has some pretty helpful stuff on it for parents.
Does your son have any support in place already that you are aware of?
Have you tried to speak to your son about this?
Sorry for all the questions just trying to help the best I can.
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
Warm welcomes to TheSite.org message boards :wave: and I'm glad you're reaching out and looking for ways to support your son, it can be quite a shock when you find out a young person/child has been self harming. TheSite.org is a UK based website aimed at young adults between the ages of 16-25, however, there are many users that are older and younger and also users from all over the world!!! However, because it's UK based, lots of services offered are also UK based.
People self harm for a variety of reasons, and it's often difficult to pin point what those reasons are without actually talking to the person who is self harming. However, your son has to want to tell you, you'll likely only make things worst by forcing him to talk, or taking away his self harm tools, I know it can seem like the right things to do, and often parents yell at a young person, but it's out of worry, have you looked into getting your son support, like counselling in the US?
It can often be difficult for young people to open up about subjects relating to self harm due to stigma, and I know I struggled opening up to my parents because I didn't want to hurt them and I knew there reaction wouldn't be a 'positive' one, so I kept my mouth shut, and kinda hoped for the best, how did you find out about your childs harming?
TheSite.org also have an amazing article on reasons why people might self harm, and what makes people turn to self harm, which might be useful to look at!! Mind, another website based in the UK, have useful information on what friends and family can do to support someone who is self harming, which again, might be worth checking out. However, just reassure your son, and let him know your there if he does want to talk, and he might not tell you everything, or anything for that matter, but at least he knows your there. Many people who self harm often mind talking to people away from the family useful, for example the GP, who can refer your child to a Psychologist. However, it's about taking little steps. You could also direct your child to guidance counselor at school or school nurse who they might be up to talking to.
I'm glad he's got a caring parent like you!!! - Do keep us updated,
Best wishes,
WhispersOfTheHeart
I guess as a parent you are worried about your son, which is understandable.
It sounds like a hard situation to be in.
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
It isn't an uncommon reaction at all to restrict your son from hanging around his friends, solely down to the fact he's been self harming. My parents wouldn't let me close the door to my room, or be alone in the house. However, because I lost all the control and freedom, I became worst. And it may seem like the thing to do, and you may think you're looking after him by keeping a close eye on him, but stopping him from seeing his friends isn't going to do that, and you've said it yourself, he's probably doing it elsewhere on his body. I got most of my support from the amazing friends around me, and I wouldn't of got through it without them.
It's also a very positive step to see your son has asked you to sort out getting support for him, often it can have a really long waiting list, before you are actually given the support, even though it's a slow process, it's totally worth it, however, I suggested above, it might be worth getting him to see the school guidance counselor is there is one, or school nurse, who can often set up further counselling.
It's common for young people to lie about how they got there scars though, I felt ashamed, and I never really wanted that control to be taken away from me if my parents were to find out, so the best thing to do was to keep it to myself, and make up stuff like 'I fell off my bike' or the most common 'cat did it' but its positive to see he was able to open up to you about his self harm, that's the right step in the right direction, well done
I think (from experience of talking about self harm with my parents) that it's also important to remember that it's not about you. Don't cry at him and ask him what you've done, or emotionally blackmail him (even unintentionally, like 'when I see you cutting I know I've failed as a mother' or something). It's not your fault. He needs stability, love and medical help, and it sounds like that's what you're giving him
Just dropping in to say I've moved this thread to Health & Wellbeing, as it fits here a bit better
In my humble opinoin the best thing a parent can try to do is listen and help support him as he seeks out advice. Try not to force him to say anything, it's so hard to tell your parent whats going on because he's probably really concerned about upsetting you and it may occur at anytime that he feels comfortble enough to open up and discuss it with you some more so be ready to listen without interrupting. It's really tough and quite understandable you are worried and upset about it, but it isn't going to help him if he feels he gets blamed for what he is doing as self harm is quite often a way for people to express intense emotions that are hard to manage and also just thoughts are difficult to handle as well.
Be aware that if she is told, his younger sibling is also likely to be very worried for him and feel very upset by it to, but it's important to remember to be sensetive about the situation and how it is explained to her. It was very painful having to explain things to my younger sibling. He will feel very guilty knowing the upset he is unintentionally causing and if he feels to uncomfortable and that he is making things worse he might try to hide his emotions futher which won't help.
It may be helpful for you both to sit down together and work through a list of distractions to help him cope with urges and also let him know that you are there to help him, but it's still allowing him a sense of control over his situation. Remember he might still be feeling very private about it still so don't force him to do this with you. If he doesn't want to try this, keep a list yourself so you can suggest a few when the time is right. Good distractions are, cold showers, holding/biting ice cubes, eating strong foods, chewing gum, drawing red lines, punching a pillow, flicking elastic bands against the skin - this one is quite good early on I found and is a lot safer than hurting himself in other ways.
Do not set goals for him to reach eg "try and go 2 weeks without cutting then you'll feel better" as this is unfair pressure on a very intense emotion that isn't easily controlled.
I really hope you all find a way of managing things and your son recovers as soon as possible. xx