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I need him Back..

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
I was my dads main carer growing up, he was highly dependent on me and i felt like i had a purpose, When i moved away I felt like i'd lost who i was, after being a young carer for the majority of my life...from the age of 6 till 18, I felt i wasn't good enough for anything, all i was good at was caring for dad.

Now my dads passed away, and all i can think about is how much I need him back, But i need him back because i feel like I have to be needed, I don't know if this is issues to do with My Mental health difficulties, but i feel like i have to be needed, wanted. someone has to depend on me.

Since I'm no longer my dads carer anymore I've lost that 'Needed' feeling and now I just feel like, well...If i was to die (In no way am i hinting at suicide). But if for some reason I died today or tomorrow....the whole world will stay as it was when i was alive..Because 'i wasn't needed to be here'...

sorry if that doesn't make sense

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Emmalee,
    sorry to hear you're feeling down at the moment. It can be really hard when you go from having a purpose and being relied upon, to having no-one who depends on you. You have to remember that you are always relied upon, just in different ways. That text your friend sent you when she was upset? She relied on you to cheer her up. That guy who asked you for a plaster when he cut himself? He relied upon you to look after him. All kinds of people rely on you day and night, and its okay for you to rely on them as well.

    Hope you're okay. I'm here if you need anything :)
    Frogs X
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Before you had mentioned that this might have to do with your mental health problems I already thought this sounds very pathological. You basically define yourself over your usefulness to someone else. You seemingly don't like being yourself and if you are busy being someone else's benefit you can forget that you are you. This is also a very unhealthy attitude to have in a romantic relationship, so I would suggest you take this as something you have work on/get better with, instead of accepting it as a characteristic.
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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    I would suggest you take this as something you can work on/get better with, instead of accepting it as a characteristic.

    This. Because the need to want to help others isnt unnatural, bad or unusual - but for it to be healthy and sustainable it can't be fundamental to your identity or sense of self.

    But can I just say Emmalee, you have very good self-awareness and for many people that's half the battle - you've already cracked that nut.

    On the topic of your romantic relationship - since StrubbleS highlighted it (although aware you haven't raised it) have you talked about some of these issues with your girlfriend and do you feel that its a part of your life where this need to be needed comes to light?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know what 'pathological' means, so i can't really say if that's having ago..or not.

    My girlfriend was next to me when I wrote this, she didn't see what i was writting but i was telling her bits and how to word things, so she knows i have issues regarding my dad and not being his carer, but not to the extent i raised here, I tend to not speak to her much about issues, because we all have our issues and i finally feel like Ive met someone 'good' and who accepts me, so i don't want to shove all my issues on her and push her away.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Pathos, from greek, more or less means suffering. Pathology is the science of cause and effect of disease, and pathological means related to diseases (as in your mental health). Basically, what I was meaning to say is, that your feeling has root in your mental health issues. At least that's the kind of vibe it gives off. Almost obsessive in defining yourself over being in someone else's duty.
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    Danny!Danny! Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    Hi Emmalee

    I hope you're doing OK. I just wanted to add another perspective on this.

    As others have said, needing someone to be dependent on you is something worth working on. But I was struck by what you said about having a purpose. I think we all need to feel that we have a purpose and meaning in our lives. With your Dad, you obviously had a very important purpose. I'm sorry he's not here anymore. I wonder whether you could find other purposes in your life, that put together would give an overall feeling of purpose?

    Obviously a happy relationship is a great place to put some energy, similarly with work as Whowhere mentions. There are lots of other things that give people purpose - family relationships, faith, study, arts ...

    Maybe you could look towards other places to find purpose?
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