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Hugs and kisses

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
Hey!! :D My name is Sara...But tbh i have so many nickname and names i lost count lol :p

Anyways wondering if you could help me... i have a girlfriend and we never actually meant be fore tbh but we faced time and everything but we meeting up in the summer and she is talking about kissing and hugging but i'm really scared :( like i have some problems before with it and im just like what if i back off and she thinks i hate her? and i cant explain it to her im so scared :(

Sorry!!

Saraaaa

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's easy talking big about the Internet about what kind of things you want to do etc., but those people usually become a bit flustered themselves once you really stand face-to-face. Also, and this is important to remember, when you don't want to do something SAY NO! You can add that you need a bit more time to get comfortable, but never do anything that you don't want to do, just to please someone else.

    You CAN explain it to her. If you cannot communicate what you want and do not want, then maybe you should not meet up at all.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah well she seems really like can't help! :| I just don't think I can't tell her even if it's in person tbh it's like she is really nice I don't wanna hurt her.... But she goes to hug me and I back off then she may hate me :( sorry


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am sure you can deal with a hug though? If it's a big deal to you and tell her beforehand.

    Going through with something that makes you uncomfortable just to not "hurt" someone is the wrong approach. Nobody gets to be hurt if they don't get to do something to you that you don't like and that's that.

    Again, if you cannot muster up such basic assertiveness I think you should wait until you meet people from the Internet. What if you meet a dude and he wants to get to his place for a fuck after the the cup of coffee that you agreed on? What do you say? Do you go through with it, because you don't want to hurt his feelings?

    If you just let other people decide what they do to you without any say you open yourself up to a lot of exploitation.

    Btw. Can you give me 50 pounds? I kinda need them. I will be very sad and hurt if you don't.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    its not that easy through, its easier said then done and i dont even know you to give you £50 let alone me having it!!!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No, it is easily done, because it is necessary in a functioning society that people are able to and do say no if they don't feel comfortable consenting. In the best case it doesn't make a difference, in the worst it hurts you and confuses your peers.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SaraBob wrote: »
    its not that easy through, its easier said then done and i dont even know you to give you £50 let alone me having it!!!

    See! you managed to (kind of) say no there!

    I think you have to bite the bullet a little here. You CAN say these things and you CAN say no. It may be an uncomfortable thing to have to do, but that doesn't mean it can't be done.

    If you don't want to hurt her feelings, then give her a valid reason why you may not be 100% ready when you first meet. I think it's reasonable to say "When we first meet, let's talk first and take it slowly from there. If it feels right to hold hands, then it might come to that but firstly I just want to talk and make sure this is what we hoped it would be." because however keen she is, on meeting you she may feel shy and not as forward as she sounds on the internet and she may change her mind about you, as much as you may change your mind about her.

    It is HORRIBLE to feel like you're doing something that makes you uncomfortable, especially physical or intimate things like holding hands, kissing or more, and it can also be quite damaging for you as you may find yourself reluctant to relax or to know when it is right to take different steps to getting close to someone in the future because you've forced yourself to do something that didn't feel right about before.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    It's easy talking big about the Internet about what kind of things you want to do etc., but those people usually become a bit flustered themselves once you really stand face-to-face.

    Also, and this is important to remember, when you don't want to do something SAY NO! You can add that you need a bit more time to get comfortable, but never do anything that you don't want to do, just to please someone else.

    StrubbleS wrote: »

    Going through with something that makes you uncomfortable just to not "hurt" someone is the wrong approach. Nobody gets to be hurt if they don't get to do something to you that you don't like and that's that.

    malteser monkay wrote: »
    You CAN say these things and you CAN say no.

    It is HORRIBLE to feel like you're doing something that makes you uncomfortable, especially physical or intimate things like holding hands, kissing or more, and it can also be quite damaging for you as you may find yourself reluctant to relax or to know when it is right to take different steps to getting close to someone in the future because you've forced yourself to do something that didn't feel right about before.

    Hi SaraBob,

    I wanted to rehighlight those positive comments above that people posted - that it's ok to say NO to anything - from hugs to sex.

    It's completely normal though for you to feel nervous meeting her. Having contact online is very different, and feels safer then face to face. If you eventually feel comfortable enough to meet her then you can go from there, but if not perhaps it could help to talk online for longer until you feel more ready.

    If you want to meet, but as you say feel unsure and nervous about doing anything yet, perhaps telling her this could help? Being honest will not only help you feel calmer and more comfortable, but could actually bring you both closer together.
    If she reacts badly to you being honest, then that says more about her then about you and won't be your fault.

    Also if you do decide to meet, try to keep in mind the meet offline thesite.org safety guidelines;
    Make sure you meet in a public place during daylight hours, e.g. afternoon coffee or a quick lunchtime drink and try to take someone with you (and/or tell someone where you are), arrange a signal beforehand so that if you don’t want to stay you can make your excuses and leave safely. Be careful of dangers, and don’t leave your stuff unattended.

    Do let us know how you get on *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just to give you a different frame of mind. If I plan or do something for/with a person and they go along with it because they don't want to hurt me, but I find out they hated it, it made them uncomfortable or be in any other way a negative experience, I would be pretty upset. It's not harsh or mean to say no to something. It is common courtesy.
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