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im confused..... please help :(
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
hi, im a newbie and this is my first post.
okay, this could be a long one but i dont know how to approach this ... ill do my best to keep it as short as i can.
so....... jan 2012, i got quite drunk and messaged a guy that i liked him.... he messaged back saying he felt the same way and we went to the cinema for our first date (i hate calling em "dates").. lets call him Joe
bit of background... we had worked together for about 6 years but it was only two years ago that i started to develop feelings for him. ive always been a very quiet, shy person... had depression, got bullied etc all the way through school, never went to uni. its probably taken me about 10 years to "come out of my shell" and im coming along in leaps and bounds... but ive never had a boyfriend. ive been on dates, yeah, kissed guys, yeah, but never had sex.... not that i havent wanted to or im "frigid" or whatever. just that the guys always end it before its begun... im starting to feel like its never gonna happen.. but its not like you can ask for feedback right?
anyway......
we had only been out a few times before he texted me "we need to talk" (i know, right!) so we went for a coffee and he said he didnt think he was ready for another relationship. more background i already knew he had broken up with his girlfriend of 3 years about 4 months before
im a very patient person and ive know him for years so i understood.
4 months later... id been seeing a guy for a couple of weeks and hed ended it. the day after joe told me he was ready to go out with me again. a few people at work had started to say how us two would make a nice couple so i thought maybe he was being pushed a little?
joe: "yea she was trying to pull me over to the bakery the other day to ask you out lol
think i should have asked u out on that night but just didnt find the right time i guess but its never to late?"
one month later....
he was hardly speaking to me at work and took ages to reply to messages so i sent him this>>
"hey joe, i know you have been feeling unsure about us. i just wanted to say that i dont like being messed around, and its hard for me to relax when i know you have doubts...
you know i like you, but this doesnt mean anything unless you like me back. you either like me or you dont, its as simple as that. it shouldnt be this difficult. if you want to take things slow then thats fine with me, i know you had trouble getting over your last relationship.
i also need to say that i dont think i can go through this a third time so you need to be sure you know what you want. im a patient person, but its unfair to drag this out if you dont see us going anywhere. you must think there is something there as you made the effort to ask me out a second time but if this has changed, then i need to know joe.
joe: hey yea im sorry u think im messing you around i do have doubts i know u like me which makes it hard and i saw we had things in common and though we shud try and go out but i just dont feel. I just feel wel b better as friends if possible im sorry hate to do this especially over fb but i dont want to mess you around when im not 100% in it.
me: thats ok dude. i kinda felt that you werent as into me as i was into you. its unfortunate that i couldnt be myself around you knowing this, which probably put you off and made you like me a lot less. of course we can still be friends, im not a bitch. unfortunately im used to this haha
it made it awkward at work for a while but i got over it... since then there have been messages back and forth...
october 2013.... he came round to my house a few times with his hard drive (not an innuendo)so i could get some films off him and we watched a few too.. just a friendly thing... i thought maybe he was gonna try and start us up again but no.. i wasnt giving anything away, no touching.. a hug but that was all. i sent him a message saying that i wasnt sure if he was "expecting more that i was giving" and he said something like he wanted to hang out for a bit and if it went further then so be it...
he ended up getting a temp promotion and moved to another store over christmas. we didnt think he was gonna come back, which suited me fine and i got over him completely and i was being more confident at work and talking to everyone and it was great..
jan 2014.. he ended up coming back and i didnt know what to feel. part of me felt bad for him that he didnt get to keep his promotion, part of me was happy to see him again. fuck.
hed been saying for a while over fb and text that i could borrow a video game that he thought id like.. hed been promising for so long, i was just like yeah whatever.
and then he messaged me asking when would be a good time to bring it round, he wanted to see how good i was on xbox. so i thought ok fine.
feb2014. he came round with the game and we had a few laughs and watched a film too. at the end of the night he brought up the message i had sent him in october, i couldnt remember what it said.
joe basically said that hed been thinking about me a lot (absence makes the heart grow fonder?) and he said that he would still like to give it a go and that he was being stupid and that he could have been with me from october but didnt think its was fair seeing as how he woudlnt have been able to see me. (20 minute drive away, oh yeah ffs)
i said how i was confused and that this had been going on for A WHILE (you are fucking telling me!) and that he had been giving me mixed messages.
i caved and we kissed before he left my house.... then we went to the cinema and kissed again. hes going to vegas next week.
see, heres the thing... i really like joe and he knows that i do. i think its fair to say ive been more than patient, but we have never really been "on" as such.
obviously throughout, ive been going over in my head what i did wrong.
there must be something about me that he hates so much thats he keeps ending it... but something that he likes so much that keeps bringing him back..
i dont quite know what to do with myself. considering all this, im not gonna let him in my panties for a while...im scared he will end it again..or maybe he wants to fuck me to decide if im a keeper?
my relationships never last more than a few dates...so there must be something wrong with me. i seem to have a talent for scaring them off. one guy i actually told i was a virgin (it came up in convo) and he rang me the next day to end it. (fucker. wont be doing that again) ive been told im pretty (joes friend, who im friends with once told me joe thought i was "hot", im a singer, i play guitar, i play video games, im a nice person...and patient but im starting to get a little pissed off.
like i said...i cant ask for feedack.
me and joe like the same music, films and other stuff.
part of me thinks that im just a "convenient choice"....or that hes taking advantage because he knows i like him. maybe his biological clock is ticking?
or maybe hes finally realised hes been a dick... and not seeing me everyday at work was getting to him and hes changed his mind?
trouble is i do really like him and i dont want to do anything to fuck it up...again.
to be honest hes the only guy i have been out with that i have wanted to fuck.
i think thats everything....
I TRULY APOLOGISE FOR THE LENGTH OF THIS POST!!!
i do think too much. i need help
okay, this could be a long one but i dont know how to approach this ... ill do my best to keep it as short as i can.
so....... jan 2012, i got quite drunk and messaged a guy that i liked him.... he messaged back saying he felt the same way and we went to the cinema for our first date (i hate calling em "dates").. lets call him Joe
bit of background... we had worked together for about 6 years but it was only two years ago that i started to develop feelings for him. ive always been a very quiet, shy person... had depression, got bullied etc all the way through school, never went to uni. its probably taken me about 10 years to "come out of my shell" and im coming along in leaps and bounds... but ive never had a boyfriend. ive been on dates, yeah, kissed guys, yeah, but never had sex.... not that i havent wanted to or im "frigid" or whatever. just that the guys always end it before its begun... im starting to feel like its never gonna happen.. but its not like you can ask for feedback right?
anyway......
we had only been out a few times before he texted me "we need to talk" (i know, right!) so we went for a coffee and he said he didnt think he was ready for another relationship. more background i already knew he had broken up with his girlfriend of 3 years about 4 months before
im a very patient person and ive know him for years so i understood.
4 months later... id been seeing a guy for a couple of weeks and hed ended it. the day after joe told me he was ready to go out with me again. a few people at work had started to say how us two would make a nice couple so i thought maybe he was being pushed a little?
joe: "yea she was trying to pull me over to the bakery the other day to ask you out lol
think i should have asked u out on that night but just didnt find the right time i guess but its never to late?"
one month later....
he was hardly speaking to me at work and took ages to reply to messages so i sent him this>>
"hey joe, i know you have been feeling unsure about us. i just wanted to say that i dont like being messed around, and its hard for me to relax when i know you have doubts...
you know i like you, but this doesnt mean anything unless you like me back. you either like me or you dont, its as simple as that. it shouldnt be this difficult. if you want to take things slow then thats fine with me, i know you had trouble getting over your last relationship.
i also need to say that i dont think i can go through this a third time so you need to be sure you know what you want. im a patient person, but its unfair to drag this out if you dont see us going anywhere. you must think there is something there as you made the effort to ask me out a second time but if this has changed, then i need to know joe.
joe: hey yea im sorry u think im messing you around i do have doubts i know u like me which makes it hard and i saw we had things in common and though we shud try and go out but i just dont feel. I just feel wel b better as friends if possible im sorry hate to do this especially over fb but i dont want to mess you around when im not 100% in it.
me: thats ok dude. i kinda felt that you werent as into me as i was into you. its unfortunate that i couldnt be myself around you knowing this, which probably put you off and made you like me a lot less. of course we can still be friends, im not a bitch. unfortunately im used to this haha
it made it awkward at work for a while but i got over it... since then there have been messages back and forth...
october 2013.... he came round to my house a few times with his hard drive (not an innuendo)so i could get some films off him and we watched a few too.. just a friendly thing... i thought maybe he was gonna try and start us up again but no.. i wasnt giving anything away, no touching.. a hug but that was all. i sent him a message saying that i wasnt sure if he was "expecting more that i was giving" and he said something like he wanted to hang out for a bit and if it went further then so be it...
he ended up getting a temp promotion and moved to another store over christmas. we didnt think he was gonna come back, which suited me fine and i got over him completely and i was being more confident at work and talking to everyone and it was great..
jan 2014.. he ended up coming back and i didnt know what to feel. part of me felt bad for him that he didnt get to keep his promotion, part of me was happy to see him again. fuck.
hed been saying for a while over fb and text that i could borrow a video game that he thought id like.. hed been promising for so long, i was just like yeah whatever.
and then he messaged me asking when would be a good time to bring it round, he wanted to see how good i was on xbox. so i thought ok fine.
feb2014. he came round with the game and we had a few laughs and watched a film too. at the end of the night he brought up the message i had sent him in october, i couldnt remember what it said.
joe basically said that hed been thinking about me a lot (absence makes the heart grow fonder?) and he said that he would still like to give it a go and that he was being stupid and that he could have been with me from october but didnt think its was fair seeing as how he woudlnt have been able to see me. (20 minute drive away, oh yeah ffs)
i said how i was confused and that this had been going on for A WHILE (you are fucking telling me!) and that he had been giving me mixed messages.
i caved and we kissed before he left my house.... then we went to the cinema and kissed again. hes going to vegas next week.
see, heres the thing... i really like joe and he knows that i do. i think its fair to say ive been more than patient, but we have never really been "on" as such.
obviously throughout, ive been going over in my head what i did wrong.
there must be something about me that he hates so much thats he keeps ending it... but something that he likes so much that keeps bringing him back..
i dont quite know what to do with myself. considering all this, im not gonna let him in my panties for a while...im scared he will end it again..or maybe he wants to fuck me to decide if im a keeper?
my relationships never last more than a few dates...so there must be something wrong with me. i seem to have a talent for scaring them off. one guy i actually told i was a virgin (it came up in convo) and he rang me the next day to end it. (fucker. wont be doing that again) ive been told im pretty (joes friend, who im friends with once told me joe thought i was "hot", im a singer, i play guitar, i play video games, im a nice person...and patient but im starting to get a little pissed off.
like i said...i cant ask for feedack.
me and joe like the same music, films and other stuff.
part of me thinks that im just a "convenient choice"....or that hes taking advantage because he knows i like him. maybe his biological clock is ticking?
or maybe hes finally realised hes been a dick... and not seeing me everyday at work was getting to him and hes changed his mind?
trouble is i do really like him and i dont want to do anything to fuck it up...again.
to be honest hes the only guy i have been out with that i have wanted to fuck.
i think thats everything....
I TRULY APOLOGISE FOR THE LENGTH OF THIS POST!!!
i do think too much. i need help
0
Comments
From the sound of the post you are an interesting, funny person (ok I just gauged that from the hard drive non-innuendo which gave me a chuckle), but believe me, only the fewest people have their success stories at the first time. I know it sounds bullshit, but really you gotta have patience with the dating game. It might seem to you that there is something wrong with you and I don't think I go out on a limb when I say that most people think that if they experienced a lot of rejection without success in between, but having people who seem interested go off on you is not in the least unusual, just unfortunate.
Stay friends with Joe, he had his chances a couple of times, but just doesn't know what he wants. You don't want him changing his mind again once you go all the way with him. Also, there is nothing wrong with telling people you are a virgin. Some dislike it, some like it (for some reason) and most people don't care, but it's still helpful if they know. You don't need to tell them right away, but it is - in my opinion - a wise thing that the other person knows when it's about to happen.
hi and thank you for replying...
part of me also thought that he just kept coming back maybe because he wasnt getting any interest from other women so i was convenient, or a backup...maybe he was lonely. maybe i should outright ask him what was going through his head (... lol)all those times when it was on and off. im only gonna go all the way with him when im absolutely sure that its not just a "fuck buddies" situation.
ive dated on and off between all this nonsense but i seem to have a talent for scaring off guys. i cant be arsed with it anymore.. im not gonna play "hard to get" but im not gonna be giving it away either. i would like a long term thing but im gonna have to make him understand that im not gonna make it easy for him. if he is really that serious about me at all then he will wait. i guess im expecting that he will end it again, but im used to it. not that it wont immensely piss me off but im not gonna get my hopes up.
problem is... ive never felt this way about any guy before. i fucking hate him....but....at the same time... im not gonna use that word..he doesnt deserve it.
I know how you feel about the unsuccessful dating life, but if you are like "I am done with this." then you really need to mean it, that you are happy on your own, because most of the time it's just a person being fed up being disappointed but still want a partner. In which case they just get lonelier and more depressed about it. Dating is like the free market, no pain no gain.
:yes: Hi opaldragon, indeed your post is clever, witty, funny and has a mature insight and outlook on the situation, combined with showing us your emotion, which makes it nice to read.
There is something that needs pointing out that you mention many times - and I would like to re-quote these to you;
One important thing to remember is that its NOT you or your fault. In the dating "game" we tend to look at ourselves for the reasons of the negative outcomes, but it's generally much more to do with that person and their issues then what we did "wrong".
We could list a million reasons why he keeps disappointing you - afraid of commitment, wants attention as he knows you like him, confused about what he wants in life, cares for you as a friend but scared to hurt you etc etc. But what matters here is you. What do you truly want?
Understandably you wonder whether if you gave him another chance, would he change? is he serious this time? Unfortunately the only way to find out is to try again. If you really like him, giving him on last chance might be worth considering. The only way to see if what he says/feels is true, is from his actions.
The good thing is, because he has sent mixed signals before, you will be able to recognise his (bad/confused) intentions quickly.
If you feel he's worth another chance, go for it. At least then you'll really know. But if you found that getting over him was a good thing for you while he was away and you really can move forward, then it's your turn to tell him what you want.
Remember it's not because he wants you, that you have to want him back also. There are lots of other guys who will appreciate you and won't mess you around!
Good luck, let us know how you get on *hug*
so do you think i should confront him and ask him what the fuck has been going on these past two years..... or just see how this goes one last time?
from what i understand, communication is key in a relationship but if i bring this up i might just scare him off again.
if i do confront him, how do i approach it?
if i just take it slow...any tips, or things i should watch for or things i should do?
bottom line is... i like him....hes a loverly guy... but every time he ends it i hate him even more... and i dont think he deserves me tbh.
i need a "next step"......
this just appeared on my newsfeed and i feel it describes my situation perfectly.. would it be too dramatic to send this to him?
i want a long term thing with this guy but i think im gonna have to confront him before we go any further...
he needs to know what this is doing to me without it being dramatic.
i hate feeling like this
I don't intend to brag but I am a fairly good judge of character. Out of 20+ women that I could have dated in my lifetime there has been three that I regret not dating, that's about 20%. I have never met anyone in clubs/pubs, half of them there just want one night. It will happen what you don't expect it, they are always the best ones too!
I am male. If I was you I would just leave him alone and if he does not initiate any contact with you after a month I doubt you will ever be in a long term relationship with him. Things are not always what they seem though. Has he got any personal problems?
Someone that I like lives in my city. I don't know her name and don't really see her anymore. I did know where she works but I have let her get away. She always looks at me but never smiles or flirts. In my experience this indicates she is not single. Mysterious is sexy. I am convinced she still talks about me to her friends/relatives today but I might never see her again. I have made a suggestion to dating sites 'Where we met' feature, but they have not brought it in.
Anyways, enough about me. I would leave him alone and stay single for 6 months. Never let him know that you still like him. Always let him contact you. If wants to be with you he will be in contact within a week or two.
As the Britney Spears song goes 'Sometimes I run sometimes I hide, but all I really want is to hold you tight'
hes been in vegas for the past 9 days and i havent contacted him once... he sent me a message on facebook with a picture and saying "i got you something from here".
so he got me a present.. now, im not and idiot. just coz he got me a prezzie doesnt mean much, although hes never got me anything. maybe its his way of saying sorry.
thing is as well....i look at him at work.. and he looks back a lot of the time and smiles..
so its very difficult to hide my feelings tho no one at work knows yet.
i think for now im gonna take it slow.... see how he acts, if hes serious this time.
he sent me a text asking if he can bring the gift round to my house tomorrow. ihavent initiated any contact.
i dont wanna say that im gonna make him do all the hard work for a while just so i can see/feel his intentions.. but i think thats what ill do. he knows this whole shit has upset me, i just dont think he knows HOW much. but im gonna be careful.. if he is serious i wana be certain before i can relax.
i know youve all kinda said to leave it alone, but i just cant. ok so it turns out i am an idiot.
It's not at all about you being an idiot :no: !
The advice and suggestions given are only a way to guide you, not to tell you what to do - that's up to you. And none of us are in your situation so we can't know what it really feels like. Seeing him everyday at work is not easy, so no you are not an idiot for not leaving it alone *hug*
Did he come to yours to give you the present yet? Has he spoken to you about anything that could help the confusing behaviour? Seems like he has been the one coming to you lately, so good to see where that leads!
he texted me the day after he got back from vegas asking if i missed him .. i joked that i didnt notice, did he miss me? he said yeah.
poor thing was jetlagged so he sent me a really late text after hed had a nap saying he couldnt stop falling asleep and i was in one of his dreams-- we were in the back seat of a car kissing, being driven somewhere-- another was he was on a tv show.
when he came round he was being very tentative and "touchy feely" without being "pervy". it felt nice.. and new. hes never been like that with me before. i had a busy day and only had about an hour window for him to come round to drop it off.. he said he was going to his uncles later to give them presents (5 mins from where he lives)
so we were cuddling and i felt like i was going to burst so i said.. "can i ask you a question?" and i just came out with it "whats been going through your head these past two years?".. in short he said he was confused and his ex was confusing him and he was sorry he`d upset me. i said him being confused was confusing me, thinking there was something wrong with me and he said he didnt want to hurt me.
it was a little awkward but the moment passed. i sent him a text after he left thanking him for the prezzie.. and apologised for asking the question, saying it bhad been driving me insane all week. he said no, it was the right question to ask " i havent been the best at communicating. ive grown up a lot and know i want you especially in that low cut top" << yeah that wasnt intentional lol. id just had a tattoo session and was wearing a, to be fair, rather revealing vest....
i threw in a line that i could be a better kisser.. (all via text) and that ill be able to relax a bit more now... still unsure tho tbh.
"youre not a bad kisser. b fun to make u better"
..... we have plans tomoro hes coming round to watch movies/play games.. i joked i hoped my dvds work coz ive not watched em in ages.. he said " if not ill just spend time on kissing and u wear that top even better haha!" cheeky..... "well if you wear that, i wont see much of the film ill be heavily distracted/.... youre making me blush .... "and i havent even touched you yet" ..
getting a little personal lol...
then he sent me a random text on my day off saying i was missing beetlejuice... nice he was thinking about me
sooooo.. is he just horny? or is he just being a guy? im not used to the attention but it felt nice.. like he does want me.. but how do i know the different between "wanting me" and "wanting to fuck me" ?
i need to relax i think. not gonna bring up the "low mileage thing" unless it comes up.. if it bothers him, he cant like me very much.
a few weeks into it i went out with some people from work and asked if he would like to meet me after in a club that we like and he said yeah. he was on painkillers so couldnt drink but i was rather intoxicated before i even me up with him. he was driving so he took me home.. i invited him in and he ended up spending the night... but we didnt have sex.
i was still drunk when i woke up, he was still in bed with me. i know it sounds weird but it was nice. then he left and me still being a bit drunk sent him a text that ended with "just out of curiosity.. why didnt you fuck me last night? was it coz i was drunk ?lol" he said yeah and that he didnt want to take advantage.. he said he wanted our first time to be more than "just a drunken fuck".. i immediately thought what a girly thing to say which made me feel bad. i said that i had invited him in and tbh i thought he "wanted me"..... it left me feeling slightly embarrassed and confused.
that was over a month ago and i started to think he was getting sick of me. im so insecure it fucking sucks
...a few days ago before he left my house he said maybe he`d have to spend the night soon.. that was on friday.
ive never seen a guy for this long and i dont know what to do with myself. im physically ready to have sex with him but im not so sure we know each other well enough to take the next step..
im scared of bringing up the "am i your girlfriend" talk or whatever. never done it. dont wanna make things awkward or scare him off.
oh something else that happened was we were joking about when we went out for a meal.. ended up chatting about someone at work and how they are loaded and i said something along the lines of "oh you should marry her and get a fancy car and stuff" about his daughter who works on a different section.. and he gave me a look and said "no offence but i did go on a few dates with her. it didnt really last very long and theres and 11 year age gap" no offence?! wtf!? i cant look at her the same way. i even tried to figure out when they went out as im friends with her on facebook and recall something about "oh im better on my own" or something like that.... within the past year im sure.
so if he told me this.. was he making conversation or is it that hes comfortable with me enough to tell me? i didnt let it ruin the night but in my head i couldt not get past it. YOU DONT NAME YOUR EXES. PERIOD!
he winks at me sometimes at work..and touches me when no one is looking (so i try and make this happen where possible lol)
any more advice would be appreciated guys x
sometimes when he comes over we dont really get close and cuddle til hes just about to leave.. is he waiting for me to make a move or is he just not in the mood?
sometimes i dont text him to see if he texts me first. sometimes he does but i dont like being the one to text first nearly all of the time. its usually me who says you "wanna do something on tues" or whatever.
hes admitted he hates spending money, so i pay for odd drinks or feed him snacks and stuff when he comes round. we are both a bit short on cash so its unfair for him to pay for everything. id like to be treated now and again tho..
you opened the door on that one yourself with your jest, don't put the blame on him.
for the rest of the post. Grow a figurative pair and don't play silly games like "who texts first" or "who makes the first move" you are pretty much seeing each other now, and I would assume he would be fine with being exclusive with you (and maybe inofficially is already). Why don't you just fuck him already and tell him "you are my boyfriend now and that's that."?
Sent from my Nexus 4 using Tapatalk
Men aren't complex, we're simple creatures. If you don't text us, we won't text you asking what's up if we don't think anything is up. It sounds like you have a lot in common, keep going out, see where it goes. You don't need to define it at this early stage.
Sent from my Nexus 4 using Tapatalk