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Are my worries ruining my relationship?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
I'm 22 and I have anxiety.

I have received help and advice to cope with my worries, which has helped but unfortunately it hasn't helped with all my worries...

I have been dating my boyfriend for over 8 months now and I am in love with him. He tells me that he loves me all the time and he makes me feel safe and wanted. But sometimes I get the feeling that he doesn't want to be with me and that's where my worries come from.

I ask him all time if he still loves me and stuff and he reassures that he does but if I keep asking him will I end up pushing him away?

Sex is also becoming a problem. I'm still a virgin and I really want to lose it too him but I can't stand the pain and I worry about the pain too. I worry that if we don't soon then he will leave me or cheat on me.

I have had bad relationships in the past, so maybe my worries come from that?

So, are my worries ruining my relationship? Please help!

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds like there is nothing you need to worry about. Just a piece of opinion: If someone tells you he loves you, just believe it and don't put it into question. It can become quite unnerving when you try to convey your feelings/opinion towards a loved one and s/he does not believe you.

    Don't be too afraid of sex, you will see right after that it's not the big deal everyone thinks it is beforehand. He of course should know that it is your first time and that he should be careful and slow. If you really feel too much pain to go on, tell him to stop. He will be understanding by the sound of it. Also I am sure someone will soon wade in and post a couple of links about safe sex and stuff.

    Your worries are not ruining your relationship. Not yet, that is. I don't want to make you worry more, but put a little more trust in him. Constant mistrust and insecurity might very well strain the relationship if it goes on for a long time.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it :)

    He is aware that I'm still a virgin and he assures me that he will be careful and slow. We have tried but I have been putting off trying again because I'm worried about the pain.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    the only pain that can really occur is from friction if you are not wet enough or from being stretched too much. In any case if he does not ram it in like it's mike tysons fist there won't be any exploding pain just rising discomfort (if at all) that might be painful. If you feel it becoming too much, tell him to stop. Also have some foreplay. If you lie naked next to each other and start with touching and slowly progress in a tempo you are comfortable with, there won't be much anxiety once you start.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey sliverlining just wondering how you're getting on?

    Your boyfriend sounds really supportive and as Strubbles says if he tells you he loves you then try to hold on to that. I wonder if it's a bit like your mind is constanly seeking out these potential negative signs and then these can spiral in your mind until you start to build a case in your head for why they must be true?

    One thing to try might be to keep a notebook and try and write down a few things a day that made you feel good, made you smile or that were positive about the day - a compliment you got, a nice text you received, a nice view or a chat with a mate. Some people find that this works as you start to become more interested in looking for things to write in the book, as a result you spend less time thinking about negative things - do you think that might be worth a try?

    You might also find this video useful from our YouTube channel - it's about anxiety in a relationship and it sounds like it could ring true for you. There's some ideas at the end for how to manage it and support each other.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZezdJB_YpNI

    When it comes to the worry about pain then using lube can really help as well as making sure that you feel as comfortable and relaxed as possible - that might be where you are, the lighting, whether you're warm or cold, little things that can distract you from just enjoying it. If you think the pain could me more than just first times nerves then our article on painful sex has some really sound advice.

    :)
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