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Feeling really awful again

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Health & Wellbeing
I got a bit triggered in chat, and I've spoken to a family friend about all of this but I don't really know what to do anymore.

I've got an on going case against my father which is bringing up stuff, I've got my PA who has been really shitty towards me, I'm really lonely, I'm hurting a lot, I feel like pulling myself to bits, I'm getting really upset with these 20 guys that I've been on dates with none of which have turned to second dates, this other guy who seemed great but he's unfriended me and stopped taking my messages, I'm really struggling with my MA, I want to just disolve away and write myself out of history so I wouldn't be a burden on my mother and I really really don't know what to do. I want to hide under the desk and stay here until my mum comes back, I've just enough and I really can't cope and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so lonely and I really don't know what more I can do to sort it out. I'm so fed up of it all and how much I have to struggle and its too much...

Help....!

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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Hey MissRiot,

    I'm sorry to hear you felt triggered in chat and glad to see you felt able to post.

    It sounds like one of those times when lots of things feel stressful all at the same time - your PA, your pain, dating, relationship with your Mum, your MA - the is all really overwhelming for you.

    Let's start with your PA, in what way do you feel she's being awful at the moment?

    How do you feel your self care is going at the moment? Are you able to eat three meals a day, for example? And are your sleep patterns affected?

    *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She just winding me up, everything has to be her way, she keeps on having a go at me about anything she can - my spending habits, how much stuff I have, how I eat how I sleep how I view the world. I feel like I'm constantly being scrutinised and I hate it.

    Today I have just realised I haven't eaten anything and it's nearly 4. I'm feeling sick tbh and there's nothing in the house that I'm craving. I really want to be around people but people who enjoy my company and want to be around me. I'm almost thinking of doing a booty call but I know that I'll feel shite afterwards. I just want to sleep all the time. I can't get myself off to sleep very easily, and last night I was watching salamander before bed which wasn't the bed of ideas as I had nightmares afterwards. I've had a call from mum today which has made me feel a bit better but last night I was in a right state - I called my best friend and I was just balling down the phone.

    I really don't know what to do anymore :/
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The one thing that really wound me up is that she went upstairs to use the loo and for some reason the loo isn't flushing everything away and she had a go that she doesn't want to see that and that it's too personal - like it's my fucking Fault the sodding loo isn't. Flushing properly! I'm going to get very angry with her soon!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    On a practical level, if the loo isn't flushing properly:
    a) Get your PA onto the landlord to get it sorted
    b) Put a bucket/washing up bowl by the loo, and fill it and pour it down. Pretty good flush substitute.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've poured a load of bleach to see if that will unblock it and go from there, but the way she spoke to me as if it was personally my fault. She was talking to me as though I was a child who had wet the bed again and should know better...I hate it!!
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    plugitinplugitin Posts: 2,197 Boards Champion
    If you don't get on with her, would perhaps someone else be better?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's unlikely that bleach will help - if stuff's not clearing it's more likely to be a flow restriction which bleach doesn't tend to make much difference to.

    Large amounts of water (bucket style rather than steady trickle) or plunger. And I'd suggest to your PA that it's something she could help sort.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    plugitin wrote: »
    If you don't get on with her, would perhaps someone else be better?

    I've been trying to find a new PA since before Xmas
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    plugitinplugitin Posts: 2,197 Boards Champion
    Ah right, sorry I didn't know that. Hope you can find a new one soon :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fucked up...managed to get triggered in the middle of the night when there's no one to call. I feel sick and scared :/
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hug* do you want to talk? Is there anything that you think could help you to calm down a little, and maybe fall to sleep?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Distractions and sigur ros to sleep seemed to work, but I've only had about 6 hrs so my body will hate me for it and probably make everything harder. It didn't help I spoke to victim support and their safeguarding questions are bloody awful and I think that's what set me off yesterday. Why don't these charities find ways that aren't going to drag everything up to work out what support people might need.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I spoke to my therapist and he wants me back in therapy next week.

    I'm just really angry that I started to have flashbacks when I do certain things, I thought I'd done the work around that and now I feel really dirty again when I even think about anything sexual. I feel like I'm walking around and people can read me like a book.
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