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Need to cut..

AllieAllie NoobPosts: 233 Trailblazer
Hi guys.
My feelings are really starting to overwhelm me now. I'm not sure where to turn or what to do. I feel like cutting so bad, I'm trying to think of other things but my mind won't let me. I'm alone and that's all I ever will be! :crying:

Comments

  • AuroraAurora Part of the furniture Posts: 11,720 An Original Mixlorian
    Hey Kayden,

    You've taken the first step by reaching out to members on here, do you know what's triggered of the urge to self harm? Or is it just one of those moment? I'm very proud of you, the thoughts sound very overwhelming, and it can often be difficult to take our mind of something, when we have nothing to occupy our minds with, what distractions have you used? :) TheSite.org has an amazing article on Coping tips and Distraction that also might be worth checking out.

    It's awfully difficult to resist the urge to stop self harming, but you've taken the first step just by reaching out to users on here, very proud of you! :heart:

    Do keep us updated on how you're doing,
    Best wishes,
    WhispersOfTheHeart
  • AllieAllie Noob Posts: 233 Trailblazer
    Hi WhispersOfTheHeart

    The feeling can come when Im alone, when I think of things or when I look into reality and see everything for how it is now. I've tried watching a film, I cannot play music because staff are asleep. I'm sitting here with tears down my face with my life just flashing in front of my eyes.
    I would normally turn to drink but lately Ive had a fear about going out of the house on my own. I'm just at the edge. :crying:

    Thank you WhispersOfTheHeart,
    Kayden.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey kayden,

    I'm sorry to hear about how you're feeling *hug*

    I don't have anything useful to say at the moment, but I wondered if you have heard of Mindfulness? It's amazing for helping you to relax a little. We also did a live chat on Mindfulness which has more information if you think it's worth a look.

    Keep us posted.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't totally understand how you are feeling but I have a good Idea as i've been there. I'm sorry things are so pants at the moment. you say the feelings come when you think of certain things or when you look into reality. It's important to notice here how great it is that you can depict where your negative feelings are coming from and now It's about working out ways in which you can stop yourself getting into these situations. I know it is very hard to sit and nit think about certain things but distractions are vital. I tend to journal my thoughts or try and turn them into a positive poem or something, or I draw or doodle or make cards or paint or bake as those activities tend to include mixing or bashing or cutting out card and paper which are safer ways of getting out my anger and stresses. Doesn't always work but It's always worth a try. texting Samaritans helps me or I ring the mental health matters line and they are great :-) hope you feel brighter in the morning and manage to get some sleep.

    Rach :-)

    Sent from my HUAWEI Y300-0100 using Tapatalk
  • AllieAllie Noob Posts: 233 Trailblazer
    Hi Butterfly,

    I've never heard of it before, but i'm going to give it a go as i want these thoughts to just disappear. I'm still trying to write things down (a letter for a staff member) but so far its not helping.
    I'll nip out for a Cigarette then take a look. Thank you for your reply though, any more distractions please let me know!

    Hi Bubbleyberry,

    Thank you for your reply and thank you for listing some distractions for me, I know I need to stop self harming because i have recently got back in touch with my mum and family after over a year and she thinks i have stopped, I feel like I've dissappointed everyone. I didnt know you could text Samaritans!

    Thanks,
    Kayden.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You can email, ring, or text samaritans. If you would like to text them, the number is 07725 909090 *hug*
  • AllieAllie Noob Posts: 233 Trailblazer
    Thanks Butterfly I appreciate it, I'm going to give them a text now *hug*

    Thank you!!
    Kayden
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    +44 7725 909090 if you need Samaritans :-)

    Sent from my HUAWEI Y300-0100 using Tapatalk
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ah sorry, on my phone and it is slow to update so I am sorry I didn't see butterfly's reply. Thanks Butterfly hun :-)

    Sent from my HUAWEI Y300-0100 using Tapatalk
  • AllieAllie Noob Posts: 233 Trailblazer
    I spent 2 hours writing a letter for my worker, I just popped in next door to give it to her to be told she left at 8 because of personal reasons and she might not be in tomorrow and she has 2 days off wed and thurs so I might not see her for 4 days. So I don't know what to do now she was the only one I talk to about things :(
  • AllieAllie Noob Posts: 233 Trailblazer
    No I can't be asked anymore, don't see why I try stop myself when my mind always gets what it wants. Its hard when you don't have people to talk to, and I can't put myself through the pain of trying to stop selfharming, I'm weak, and a freak. So I guess this is a wake up call for myself, no friends, no worth, no future.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Kayden,

    I'm sorry to hear that you may not see your worker for four days, especially as she's the only person you feel able to talk to about things. I understand it may be hard to wait that long, but you can always talk to us and you can text Samaritans at any time.

    Just because you self harm, that does not mean you're 'weak' or 'a freak'. A lot of people self harm for a lot of different reasons, you shouldn't put yourself down for that and you don't have to make yourself stop harming. It's a part of you, just like harming is a part of a lot of other people, you're not alone.

    Why do you feel you have 'no worth' or 'no future'?

    How are you feeling now?

    Keep posting, we're here for you *hug*
  • AllieAllie Noob Posts: 233 Trailblazer
    Hi Butterfly.

    Thanks for replying, I know I'll have to manage until she comes back. I know its a part of a lot of peoples life, the freak part was regarding FtM. I'm still feeling crap, its 2am and I have to be up in 4 hours as I have things. To do before I head off on a emotional wellbeing residential but I can't sleep.. I'm not worth anything, soo many people have told me including my blood line..

    Hope your okay,
    Kayden x
  • JamesJames Posts: 1,706 Extreme Poster
    Hey Kayden,

    Sorry to hear you're feeling so low. It can be really hard waiting days to see your worker again.
    I think what butterfly said is spot on:
    butterfly wrote:
    Just because you self harm, that does not mean you're 'weak' or 'a freak'. A lot of people self harm for a lot of different reasons, you shouldn't put yourself down for that and you don't have to make yourself stop harming. It's a part of you, just like harming is a part of a lot of other people, you're not alone.

    How is the emotional wellbeing residential going?

    Let us know how you're getting on :)

    JPick
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Kayden!

    Hope the residential is going as well as it can be - thinking of you! Sounds like it could be productive - try and make the most of it if you can :)

    Bloodline's don't always help with what they say. You are definately worth a lot, and are valued a lot here - tell yourself 'I am worth lots' rather than repeating 'I'm not worth anything' as it helps your mind focus on the truth!

    Take care you - stay strong

    Rach
  • AllieAllie Noob Posts: 233 Trailblazer
    Hey JPick and Rach!

    I arrived home a few hours ago. It was very rough on the journey there, it was supposed to be a 2 hour journey which ended up as a 6 hour journey due to a YP's behaviour leading to him exploding at everyone and trying to open the minibus door while we were on the motorway. This upsetted a LOT of YP's on the trip including myself as it reminded me of incidents at home..
    Second day was alright although I became not well and was ill during the night, I did try to face the whole Eating in front of others thing, I was sitting at the table yesterday which I havent done with food in front of me, a staff member sat next to me as she knows I struggle with eating in front of others and shes seen how not eating affects me, but i sat there for 10 minutes and my body was shaking and i was on edge and very alert so she nudged me and asked if i was alright, i went upstairs and started crying for quite a while..
    Shes going to speak to my 1-1 worker about the issues around personal care.. Yes! Thats right! I actually wrote it down and told her everything.. I also spoke to the manager at my home on the way back from the training centre and told him so im glad its out in the open..!!

    Thank you both for checking in, hope your both okay!

    Kayden x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    KaydenK wrote: »
    Hey JPick and Rach!

    I arrived home a few hours ago. It was very rough on the journey there, it was supposed to be a 2 hour journey which ended up as a 6 hour journey due to a YP's behaviour leading to him exploding at everyone and trying to open the minibus door while we were on the motorway. This upsetted a LOT of YP's on the trip including myself as it reminded me of incidents at home..
    Second day was alright although I became not well and was ill during the night, I did try to face the whole Eating in front of others thing, I was sitting at the table yesterday which I haven't done with food in front of me, a staff member sat next to me as she knows I struggle with eating in front of others and she's seen how not eating affects me, but i sat there for 10 minutes and my body was shaking and i was on edge and very alert so she nudged me and asked if i was alright, i went upstairs and started crying for quite a while..
    She's going to speak to my 1-1 worker about the issues around personal care.. Yes! That's right! I actually wrote it down and told her everything.. I also spoke to the manager at my home on the way back from the training centre and told him so I'm glad its out in the open..!!

    Thank you both for checking in, hope your both okay!

    Kayden x

    Hiya

    Thank you for your update. Sorry to hear that the trip was quite difficult and the journey there wasn't great. I hope your journey back home was better for you. Although it sounds like it was really tough, could you flip some of the tricky situations onto their side and think of them positively? for example...focus on the fact that even though you struggle eating with people, you sat there in front of lots of people and got through it. That's a huge achievement! you could have not even tried so Big well done you. Great step :-)

    Also, a huge huge huge well done for opening up to people who can support you - that's a massive achievement :-) so Proud of you. You will probably find it gets a little bit more easier to talk to people the more you do it so go go go you :-) you are defo on the way up :-)

    Take care you

    Rach x

    Sent from my HUAWEI Y300-0100 using Tapatalk
  • AllieAllie Noob Posts: 233 Trailblazer
    Hey Rach!

    Thanks for replying, the trip on the way home was a bit better and the worker I was talking to wants a chat on Monday to see how telling the manager everything on the way home from the car went okay. Did have some bad news though when I got back. Take in mind I was gone for 3 days and in them 3 days 2 staff members have quit and the staff member i get on with on my side (i have 2 staff where 1 stays on for 2 weeks then goes home for 2 weeks and while one is off the other is on) is quitting Monday she said she isnt coming back, then I asked who was working on the other side of the house and I got a reply of '(Staff name) is working your side, thats all you need to know, why do you want to know who is working over here' I turned around because it did make me feel like nobody wants me around and I said 'Well i do still have a mentor this side.. So im entitled to know who is working this side' and then she told me who was working.. Things have been Strange since I have come back, someone from the other side of the house was supposed to come with me so I can get my tattoo at 5pm today and i was PROMISED by the manager.. I asked who was coming yesterday and he said 'you' i said 'i cant go on my own' (i struggle in places on my own) I dont understand why everyone is being funny with me..
    Now im stuck with the other staff member until they find a replacement for the one leaving Monday.. She doesnt even talk to me, she stays in her room so what support am i actually going to get... All the staff know she doesnt speak to me aswell!!

    Thats 4 staff members who quit, 1 fired, 1 leaving monday, and 2 more thinking of quitting.. So thats 8 in 10 months who have leaving/is leaving...

    Sorry starting to ramble..Just annoyed because it feels like nobody wants to be around me and they are trying to seperate everyone from me because me and the other YP's all go play Pool and i have a drink when im down there and i came back yesterday to be told that it wont be happening anymore.. If people are going to be going on an activity they go with their worker not any other YP's but my worker is over the other side and because of the manager she is doing ALL the frigging jobs he should be doing!!! so i barely get to see her.. So it looks like im going to be stuck inside more now.. My MH Worker even told everyone to make sure im not isolated and i frigging am..

    But thanks Rach I am pleased I managed to sit there for a bit though, Im hoping the whole opening up becomes easier lol! Thank you very much Rach :)

    I hope your doing okay!
    Kayden x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Kayden, how are you doing? How are things going? Are you managing to get out and about more than you anticipated? fill me in if you want :-) thinking of you x

    Sent from my HUAWEI Y300-0100 using Tapatalk
  • AllieAllie Noob Posts: 233 Trailblazer
    Hi Rach!

    Im not doing so good, I told the manager about my personal care and all he said was 'Well we'll wait until your assessment results get back' Im not even sure when im going to get them so i have been left to myself the same way with no support around that area... I give up, i feel like i have lost hope.
    Im not going out at all unless im at training or im drinking.

    How are you?

    Kayden x
  • AllieAllie Noob Posts: 233 Trailblazer
    Well I have some good news guys.

    The truth has come out, after many months of me telling people what the manager is like and that I'm not getting the support I should be getting my 2 workers have found out by themself.. Not sure what happened but my key worker here is going to tell me in a bit, all I know atm is that my training worker is pissed off at the manager and wants to talk to him before my review next Wednesday..

    Kayden x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's great to hear, hopefully now you get the support you deserve :yes:

    Keep us posted.
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