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Moving forward past this?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey- sorry I tend to just lurk here and used to post ages ago but can't remember my username or password so made a new account so hi all!
I am at kind of a difficult time right now in terms of relationships. I just got out of a.... difficult relationship with my ex... he was.... quite controlling and sexually used to make me to do things I wasn't comfortable doing... anyway after advice from my Dr I took the appropriate actions and ended the relationship.
That is all fine and well now- but I am left with this complete fear of being with men. Like... the very idea of being in a relationship with a man makes me panic and the idea of being with a guy sexually makes me feel sick after all that happened with my ex. Before my ex it used to excite me but now... now I can't stand the thought.
I am left questioning my sexuality a bit, but then it is difficult because whilst I was bisexual before, I always assumed I would settle down with a guy.... I preferred guys. But now I am left in the position I am in, wondering what to do... because I just feel disgusted and terrified of being intimate with a man now.
I am not one of these people who feels the need to constantly be in a relationship and I am quite independent and stuff, but it has been months now, and I am young and I want to have some fun- not like a serious relationship- just fun....
I just don't know how to get past this and if I ever will?
I am at kind of a difficult time right now in terms of relationships. I just got out of a.... difficult relationship with my ex... he was.... quite controlling and sexually used to make me to do things I wasn't comfortable doing... anyway after advice from my Dr I took the appropriate actions and ended the relationship.
That is all fine and well now- but I am left with this complete fear of being with men. Like... the very idea of being in a relationship with a man makes me panic and the idea of being with a guy sexually makes me feel sick after all that happened with my ex. Before my ex it used to excite me but now... now I can't stand the thought.
I am left questioning my sexuality a bit, but then it is difficult because whilst I was bisexual before, I always assumed I would settle down with a guy.... I preferred guys. But now I am left in the position I am in, wondering what to do... because I just feel disgusted and terrified of being intimate with a man now.
I am not one of these people who feels the need to constantly be in a relationship and I am quite independent and stuff, but it has been months now, and I am young and I want to have some fun- not like a serious relationship- just fun....
I just don't know how to get past this and if I ever will?
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It isn't a issue or fear of men in general... just being in a romantic relationship with one or sex with a guy. I still get on really well with all my male friends... it is just intimacy with a man which terrifies me.
I am just really confused. I don't like the idea of what he did influencing my future relationships/sexuality and I want to have some fun for a bit but the negative associations are really preventing things.
I'm sorry to read that you had such a difficult relationship, and that it's affecting you now.
It's natural for your last sexual experiences to affect your expectations of the next ones - especially if they were in some way traumatic. You say that you used to be excited by the idea of sex with men. So, as you've learned to see it as something dangerous/scary more recently, you can also unlearn that. It will take time and work, but you can do it.
It's great that you're seeing a therapist, I just wanted to say that I'm sure they're very used to talking about sex and sexuality to other clients, so maybe you could push yourself to talk to them more? If you get a good reaction then you might feel more comfortable doing it. I think that could really help.
You could also use Ask a Question on TheSite, where you can write in more detail what you're worried about, and get a more detailed response without having to speak about it in person.
Next time you do meet a man that you like, you can take things really slow, taking time to build up trust and excitement. You can set the pace, let him know what you want and where your boundaries are. Maybe if you're not thinking about a relationship or full sex, but just a date which might end in a kiss and no more, then things will feel less scary.
You're doing the right thing coming for support, if you can do that and follow up, then you really can move things forward.
I hope that helps a bit,
Danny
Sorry that this happened to you, it sounds awful,
*hug*
I don't really know if I have been attracted to another guy.... I've been like 'he's hot' or whatever but not in the sense of I would want to do anything romantic with them. The only person I have properly kissed since that relationship was female.
Yeah- I do trust my therapist a lot- more than I have ever trusted a therapist before.. but I think that is why I don't want to talk to her about this stuff. I know she isn't judgmental in the slightest but I am still scared she will judge me for being bi (I have only ever told one person as it is) if I mentioned that or think I am pathetic for being afraid of men in a sexual way... I don't want to ruin that trust I have built up with her if that makes sense? I think I would like to talk to her about it and I have made some hints but she hasn't picked up on them really (like... I say 'I'm done with relationships with men!' kind of thing but I think she just thinks I am joking around). It is a very hard topic to try and bring up with her.
I do have difficulties setting boundaries though which is why I am a bit scared to get into a relationship even to take things slowly... like... with my ex it was all just a big game to him and me saying no or pushing him off me just made it more of a 'challenge' to him it seemed and he would just persist until he got what he wanted. I mean how do I even set a boundary and make sure it gets respected? I tried with my ex but he just ignored them. I'm scared if I take things slowly that will happen again or the guy will just get bored of me not wanting to do anything and end the relationship.
I think it is still difficult also because my ex is still trying to contact me all the time. I haven't replied since we broke up but he still messages me a lot.... he has started messaging my brother now too as I haven't been responding. I don't think that helps with any of this. I know I need to work on confidence a bit and take things slow and relearn that not all guys are like that but I don't know if any guy would be understanding enough in a new relationship to let me work out what exactly is going on in my head and if I can move past this fear?
You make the big mistake of thinking of your therapist as a friend or acquaintance who you need to withhold things, because they could be of a different mind about something (like their sexuality) and you could lose them as a person. Withholding crucial information to your therapist makes the whole counselling moot. I mean just think about this for a moment: Do you honestly think a therapist will judge somebody because of their sexuality? You think a trained professional thinks of you less, because you like men and women? How are you supposed to get help if the person who is supposed to help you is not aware of what is going on? Seriously think over this.
You do that like other people do it, or countries to other countries. By consequences and sanctions. If you set a boundary and it is ignored by the other person you either have a serious discussion about it, or your agreement (your relationship) ends, because set boundaries, which have to be agreed upon are in fact not agreed upon. It is a bit like a contract. If I want to sell Bob my car for 1000 Euro and after I meet up with him for the transaction he gives me 700 and says "come on man, don't be so stingy, it's all I got right now." I respectfully tell him to fuck off. It's not what was agreed upon and your correspondence ends right here and there.
She is treating me for different things- so my sexuality in itself isn't relevant and doesn't affect the things we are currently doing, this is just something that has stemmed out of my relationship with my ex and would be nice to talk through in addition to the things she is already helping me with as it is effecting my life so much. It is just trying to work out if it would be appropriate or if this will just go away with time or what... and how to bring it up if I do decide she needs to know.
Perhaps... but it isn't as simple as meeting a stranger is it when you are in a long term relationship? He had this amazing ability to make it seem like what he was doing was okay- and because I was his girlfriend I had to do this 'expected' things. I do get what you are saying thanks, but I discussed especially his controlling nature outside of sex with him on multiple occasions- each time he would stop being controlling then slowly start again... it is hard to know where to draw the line when it is increased gradually.
I admit with sex I was naive and in a bad place psychologically and unable to see it was abuse and unacceptable- my self esteem was too low to take it much further than pushing him off and saying no repeatedly- I was too scared to leave the relationship and I get what your saying, and hopefully if it happened again I would be able to say 'fuck off' or whatever but it is being able to tell what is the line of the boundary and what is compromise and how far that line has to be crossed before I need to get out of the relationship.
If that is true what you are saying then such behavior must absolutely be reported to higher-ups or to the media. This is absolutely unacceptable and can deal so much more damage than they are trying to mend.
Yes it is true
But this thread isn't about that really- it is about how to deal with the situation with my ex and perhaps advice on how to bring it up with my therapist subtly if I ever build up confidence.
I know it wouldn't come up until she asks 'is there anything else?' torwards the end of session and I can't really just say 'I want to talk about sex/sexuality' just like that can I? I'm not sure if it is appropriate to discuss such things with a therapist? I'm one of those people in therapy who tends to leave hints around awkward topics and let therapist guess then ask me if she's correct. I know that isn't ideal.
You can definitely say to your therapist at any time 'I want to talk about sex/sexuality'. The sessions are your sessions, and should be focused on what's important to you.
Sex and sexuality are so important to most of us, that it's a very common thing to talk about in therapy. You say you've been dropping hints, it might well be that she's picked it up anyway, and simply didn't react because the gender of who you choose to be romantically involved with isn't the important part of what you're working on.
But even if she hasn't picked up on it, it can't be helpful for you feeling that you have to hide something that you shouldn't have to hide.
You can still have useful therapy and skirt around the issue, but I think you would get more out of it if you could feel more open with her. You've been really open here, and while I know it's different in person, I think you've showed that you can do it.
But do things at your own pace, you need to be comfortable.
Danny
Thank you for your reply.
I get what you are saying completely. She is usually quite.. forward about things if she think I am not telling her something so I think she's just not quite cottoned on to it. Like, even if it wasn't important to therapy right now she likes to know things and what is going on full stop :P
Thank you- I know deep down it is a common thing to talk about in therapy but sometimes you just need to hear it's a common thing from someone so you know for sure you aren't just being really weird by mentioning it.
I am slowly learning the art of being more open in therapy and trying not to get mad at myself for not saying everything right away- I think like you said I need to take it at my own pace. I think maybe waiting until we talk about my ex in terms of processing what happened etc might be an idea and bring it up then... because I think the fact I haven't really come to terms with it all quite yet won't help how I am feeling about men so maybe when I am talking about my ex in depth with her at some point it might be a good time to bring it up?
Thanks again for your reply!