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Ending It For Everybody's Safety

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Thanks for trying to help on my old thread but I think I will just end it here and do everybody a favor because as long as I live the people I love and get close to are only going to get hurt and I really think I am seeing things clearly for the first time in a long time. I can’t live in a world without Katie and the more I try the more depressed I become.

I will miss my cousin and my niece but I’m not just going to leave them with nothing and go like her ex and every cent I have earned I am going to leave to them because my cousin is struggling with money and needs it more than me. I will stay for Christmas and my 27th birthday so my cousin and my niece both have a good time but after that I am out of here.

I just don’t see the point in living anymore and as much as I have tried to be strong and fight it I think things are only going to get worse in the future and nothing I can do will ever change that. Going to a therapist helped for a while but it brought back so many things from my past and I have done things over the last decade I honestly don’t know if Katie will forgive me for and by ending it I will be letting Katie down along with Emma but I am hopeful they will understand one day that what I plan to do is the best solution for everybody and not just myself. I still think about them every day and I wish that I could have saved them but I couldn’t do anything and I live with that guilt and it never goes away.

It plays around in my head and maybe my old friends were right about me being the one to blame all these years and if I had never met Emma she might still be alive now too so why be selfish and wreck more people’s lives? I think I did better than most people would have been able to do in my position and I am proud of all the things I managed to achieve. I quit drinking and cocaine by myself and I was able to get my life back on track for a few years and I have a great job and money but there comes a time when you have to ask yourself if there is anything worth fighting for and when I look around me I don’t see anything anymore.

I don’t see any good in this world and it appears the more successful I have become the more people will hate me and I don’t blame them because I am a murderer. I was in the hospital with Katie and I watched her die and there wasn’t anything I could do to save her so I failed.

I know my cousin and my niece will be alright without me and the rest of my family and my friends will be too and I just want them to be happy.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Of course we care. I don't really have anything helpful I can say but I just want to point out that you have people that care about you, your cousin and your niece.. think about how they would feel if you killed yourself. They would be heart broken, you don't want to make them feel like that do you? I know how you feel and my family and friends are what stops me from ever doing anything, because they love me and I don't want to hurt them.

    Also, you're not a murderer. I don't know what happened but you say you just watched her die, this does not mean you killed her and it wasn't your fault.

    Hugs. You're not alone, we're here for you.

    Hopefully in time you may feel a little brighter. Try and focus in the good things in life. I know you may not see any good things but there will be some.. think hard about it :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you butterfly123

    When I this thread earlier I was in a bad place because I found out my Mum has cancer and I am tired of bad things happening to people around me and I overreacted but I am alright now. I have been going through some difficult times at my work at the moment too because of some comments I made so that on top of it didn't help. I have had a big talk to my cousin about everything I wrote on here and she told me she needs me and my niece and her don't want to lose me and she is worried about me so they are going to move in with me this week.

    My Mum has been through a lot and that is why I got really upset when I found out and not many people know this except those that are close to me but she has had to have a number of operations over the years mainly because of one of her old Doctors messed up during surgery and she is lucky to be alive today. She has a rare disease and she is often in pain and she hasn't been able to find a Doctor that can fix that and there is apparently medication for it that wouldn't fix it but can ease the pain but they are only available in America and if I could go over there myself and get them for her and bring them back to Australia I would but it is against the law which is downright stupid.

    I wasn't in the cars with Katie or Emma at the time of their accidents but I was there with Katie in the hospital and my parents drove me there right after we got the news and I think some people assume that she passed away instantly after the accident but that wasn't what actually happened. There was a point where they thought she was going to live and she didn't make it and I watched her pass away and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it and save her and that image is something that has stayed with me for a long time and I haven't told many people about it because it still upsets me and I feel like I failed to save her.

    I guess you could say my cousin (Amy) is my best friend and she was there for me when I lost Emma and she is probably one of the main things that stopped from me from having a nervous breakdown. When I am not working I spend a lot of time with her and my niece. My niece has Autism and she is extremely intelligent for her age and I am currently teaching her how to play guitar and I took her to the zoo a few weeks ago. I love spending time with my niece and according to Amy I'm her favourite person in the world and when I am not around she is always asking questions about me and when I look back at all the times I have thought of taking my life to be with Katie and Emma again I realise I would be being selfish because that would break that little girl's heart.

    I know it might sound weird but I have feelings for my cousin and think I have for a while and she has feelings for me and even though we aren't blood related since she is my Mum's cousin's husband's daughter from his first marriage most people see us as cousins so I don?t know what to do but I don't want to upset her again because she cried when I told her what I was going to do.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well done on talking to cousin about all of this! That's such a brave thing to do. She clearly cares a lot about you and what a lovely thing she is doing, moving in with you for the week to make sure your safe. People like that are so precious so try to remember what you have :)

    Aww your niece sounds lovely too. I have autism and I will just tell you that your niece clearly loves you an awful lot if you're her favourite person. You must be special to her so you need to try and remember that too when you're having a bad time.

    I'm sorry to hear about your mum *hug*

    Try not to blame yourself for what happened with katie. There is no way you could have stopped what happened, and it is in no way at all your fault! You were there for her during her last breath and that is the most important thing, okay? It's just one of those tragic things. I'm sorry it happened, please try not to be too hard on yourself.

    As for the feelings for your cousin.. I guess you can't help who you fall for. It's up to you how you take things forward with that. If everyone sees you as cousins, I'm sorry to say, you will probably be judged, but if you're not actually cousins well tell everyone to keep their nose out :thumb: It's your life.

    I'm glad to see things are a bit better for you today :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Butterfly123. I appreciate what you wrote.

    Even though I understand the survival rates for cancer are good these days my Mum doesn't need it on top of everything else and I am worried about her. I have always tried my hardest to be strong for her and take care of her regardless of everything I have been through since I was a teenager because no matter how much pain I have felt from losing Katie and Emma it doesn't compare to what she has gone through and I usually keep my problems to myself as I don?t want to worry her. My Dad is there for her but he is what some people would call a workaholic and growing up I didn't spend much time with him because he was always at work so I was the one that mainly looked after my Mum after her operations and even though I have my own house now I made sure I didn't live far away from her.

    I loved Katie with all my heart and soul and I would have given my life for her to live and I don't think I am ever going to truly understand why she was taken from this world so early because she was one of the kindest people in the world and she loved helping people and animals. Katie was so gifted too and if you had heard her sing you would have thought she was amazing and overall she was the best friend a kid could have and a great girlfriend. I had my first kiss with her when I was only 8 years old and I asked her to marry me when we were 14 and she said yes to me and I put a burger ring on her finger because at the time I didn't have a job and was too young to afford an engagement ring.

    I want to be happy again like I was a few years ago and one thing that makes me happy is Amy and her daughter and when I think about it now I never had to go very far because the woman that I love and want to spend the rest of my life with has always been standing in front of me and I was just too blind to see it but I have my eyes open now. Amy and I grew up together and apart from my parents she knows me better than anybody in this world and the both of us have always been there for each other when we have been down and we have seen each other at our best and worst. Being there for one another has brought us very close together and I think maybe we are meant to be together.

    Amy loves me too and she said she has for a long time and she was a little reluctant to discuss it with me the first time I brought it up but she said if she is going to have a relationship with me I need to sort out my life before we do and keep going to therapy and she is right. Going to therapy has helped but there is still a part of me that blames myself for what happened to Katie and Emma and I can't shake that guilt and as much as I wish there was there isn't some magical cure that makes it go away. I still love Katie and I always will but it doesn't mean I can?t love another person and if there is anybody that understands that it is Amy.

    I know it would have hurt a lot of people if I had killed myself and I don't plan on doing that now and I am feeling like I am in a much better place now. I'm not exactly sure what is going on with Amy and I but she kissed me yesterday and it was the first kiss I have had (on the lips) since Katie passed away and I guess you could say it was really nice but we aren't in a relationship yet and we?re taking things one day at a time. I told my Mum how I feel about Amy and she already knew and said she could see it on my face every time she talks about her and it is the same look I gave when someone used to say Katie's name. She doesn't think anybody in our family is going to judge us and my Aunt (Amy's Step Mum) and her have suspected something has been going on between us for a while so maybe we really do have a chance now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have definitely have no plans to kill myself anymore.

    I have finally have everything worked out now and I found out my Mum only has early stage one breast cancer and the good news is it can and will be treated. She told me she is going to be okay but I won't stop worrying until she is successfully treated because she has gone through so much already.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's understandable that you'll worry, she's your mum.

    But it's great to hear it can be cured! And I'm glad you're feeling better :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks.

    I have talked to my therapist and she has encouraged me to have some time off work and I am going to quit my job as a computer teacher because I am working way too many jobs when I don't need to and I am going out to a few places with Amy tomorrow so that should be fun. She thinks quitting my job was a good decision too but I am not going to give up being a music journalist because music has always been my life and I literally worked my ass off to get to where I am today. I enjoy what I do but I think having one main job for and doing song writing and playing a few gigs on the side is better for me because I was just burying myself in work before instead of living and if I'm going to be with Amy I need to make time for her.

    I will keep going to my therapist because she has been very helpful and I like her a lot. It was hard for me to talk about Katie and Emma with her to begin with and I broke down in front of her a couple of times and I am not embarrassed to admit I cried but it gets easier every time. My old friends blaming me for Katie's death really hurt me and I had trouble trusting people again but what I found was I am and was never alone and I have a loving family around me and my Mum, Dad, Amy, Tori and the rest of my family all care about me and want me to be happy and not let the past ruin my future.

    I am going to try to stay positive now with my Mum and hope for the best and Amy keeps telling me she will be okay and she has been worried about her too. My Mum is her favourite Aunt and when she was younger she was practically like a daughter to her and she got bullied for being a bit overweight and looking at her now you wouldn't believe that but her step Mum and Dad were always at work so my Mum was always there for her and she would pick her up from school and spend time with her.

    I have ADHD and OCD and growing up I was always ahead of the other children around my age and while I was not as advanced as Tori I see a lot of myself in her and she continues to surprise me with the things she achieves and I am very proud of her much like her Mother. It was hard watching other kids get bullied in my old school for having disabilities and at times I felt like there was something wrong with me and the only person I could be myself around and trust was Katie because I knew she didn't care that I had ADHD and OCD and in a way it made it so much more difficult when I lost her and my old friends blamed me because I felt like I had nobody I could trust.

    I don?t want Tori to go through what those other kids went through when I was young and I was very lucky in a way because I had Katie but Tori has had a hard time making friends at school and she likes to hang around with adults more than children because she says they don't understand anything she talks about and call her weird and her Mum is her best friend. Amy wants to send Tori to a school for gifted children because she isn't really learning anything in school she doesn't know but she is having money problems at the moment and can barely pay afford to pay her bills. I want to help her but she keeps turning me down and she says she has to handle it herself and she can't keep lending money off me but maybe now things have changed between us she won't mind and I can finally help her.
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