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men..

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Okay so I thought I had decided to steer clear of men from now on but now I'm not sure how to feel or what to do..

Today this guy started texting me and he's being quite flirty. I've known him for quite a while, we're friends on facebook and occasionally he would like a few photos or status', we've had each others numbers for a while, we knew each other from school bla bla bla but we never really talk anymore.. until today he said 'hello stranger' and we just took it from there.

He's asked me out, and is already planning on things we can do but I don't know what to do. I can't even bring myself to throw photos of me and my ex away! I still have the poems my ex wrote for me. I thought I was over my ex but am I? Should I go on a date with this guy? Should I tell him I'm not ready? I don't know anymore what I want..

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nothing wrong with a bit of rebound, so long as you're upfront with this guy that you're not sure that this is going anywhere. You'll just have to play it by ear.

    TBH getting over an ex can take a fucking long time, and in some cases you're never totally without what they did to you or how they changed you. It's all about how you feel.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rebound, is that what this is? I know that I will always appreciate my ex in some way. He made me more confident, he taught me a lot, he gave me 3 amazing years of sort of being a step mum to 2 amazing kids, he taught me what love is..

    I feel excited, everytime this guy texts me I smile.. I guess I could go out and see what happens. Just not sure if it's worth it..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's definitely worth a try in my opinion, even if you only go out once, or he becomes a friend to go out for drinks with
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm going to go out on saturday with him for a drink, just see what happens. To be honest I think a friend to go out with sounds good.. Someone that doesn't know the ins and outs of my life. it gets me out and will most probably help me to forget for a few hours. I'll just take it from there I guess. Plus not had a night out in a while, or a drink! :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just wanted to update this.

    Last night we went out for a drink but these girls were there following us because they also knew us from school so we went and got some drinks from the shop and went back to his to watch a film. I was tipsy which is why I think it was a good laugh. He walked me home then started texting me saying things like 'I miss you already, I want a cuddle', bla bla bla.

    Today I was feeling a little iffy all day because I was hungover I think so I told him I didn't want to go to the party tonight which he had invited me to but said he can still go though. He replied with 'nah I just want to spend time with you'. I said I was going to the Christmas lights switch on so he decided to come with me. Anyway, he bought some alcoholic drinks to mine then we went up to the lights switch on but there were too many people for my liking so I asked if he wanted to go back to mine to watch x factor or a film. We did. He was being all soppy and trying to hold my hand and kept wanting hugs and trying to get me to have a drink even though I kept saying I didn't want one so I said I was really tired and wanted to go to bed so he went home. Then started texting me again saying 'I miss you already and your gorgeous smile, what do you want to do tomorrow babe?'

    Ahhhh! I'm not his 'babe' and he's too soppy and touchy feely and I don't want to go out every single day! I don't want a relationship but he clearly does. But my aspergers means that I'm uncomfortable telling him I don't want to be in a relationship. Yeah, I know some of you may think that I'm just using my aspergers as an excuse. I'm used to people thinking that. But I'm not using it as an excuse. It makes me uncomfortable with a lot of things and I wish I didn't have it!

    How do I tell him? Please don't say 'just tell him straight' because it's not that easy for me.

    He's not my ex.. I'm going back to the aspergers again now but every guy I ever started seeing I would get 'bored' and just stay in all the time or pretend I had plans. But I really really really liked my ex before I got with him, so when I did get with him I was so excited and so happy and I spent nearly all of my time with him. Clearly I'm not over him like I thought I was because I'm starting to cry as I'm writing this. It took me 18 years to actually want to spend time with a guy.. and now I wonder if I'll ever find someone like him again. But.. even though he was horrible to me in the end this has got me thinking and I honestly think if he turned up and apologised and promised he would change because he loves me.. I think I would give him another chance.

    Anyway.. how do I tell this guy I don't want a relationship? Honestly, I don't even think I want a proper friendship. I don't think I'm the girl anymore that likes to go out and drink, or go out and party. I'm so drained all of the time and being tired and hungover just makes it worse..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Whatever you say to him, don't drag it out. It's unfair on him for you to string him along and think there's a relationship when it's not what you want.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hence why I posted on here to get some advice. I know it's unfair, but I don't know how or where to start.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you're finding it difficult saying it person send a text, email or message.You've said on here that you are not over your ex and that his affection is making you uncomfortable - make sure he knows that too. Generally it's more compassionate to say things like that in person, but given you've not actually been in a relationship don't feel too much like you owe him that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Krng is right in that you don't owe him anything special. Though I think writing a letter is a bit more personal than an email or text. It would help you articulate your thoughts and feelings without pressure.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tell him straight.

    Yes, it might not be easy for you, but it is not easy for anyone. Disappointing someone is always a difficult task, Aspergers or not. There is no other respectful way around it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ahhhh! Sick of people telling me to go for it, that I'm better off without my ex and I should tell this guy I want to take things slowly. Noooo! I don't want to take things anywhere with this guy. I. Do. NOT. Want. A. Relationship! Why don't people just listen? I don't even know how long it has been since I split up with my ex.. Maybe a month? A bit longer? I don't know but I do know now that I'm not over him like I thought I was. He was horrible to me so why am I not over him? Why did I leave? Maybe if I hadn't run out we could have sorted things.. I don't know anything anymore. AHH I just hate this situation! Nothing is going to change the fact that I need to tell this guy I don't want a relationship, and I don't feel like I can. I can't just ignore him like I used to with guys.. Because I want to try and not be so horrible. I just feel so horrible :(
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Maybe a month? A bit longer? I don't know but I do know now that I'm not over him like I thought I was. He was horrible to me so why am I not over him? Why did I leave? Maybe if I hadn't run out we could have sorted things..

    Hey butterfly, I just wanted to drop in and let you know that a month is absolutely nothing in terms of a break-up and getting over things, so the thought of being intimate with someone else is likely to make you feel somewhat under pressure and perhaps a bit suffocated? Those feelings are not unusual or weird - it's all part of the process.

    You're doing really well so far and while it's natural to wonder if you'll ever feel so loved up again, it's important to remember why you did leave and to avoid seeing things through rose tinted glasses... Could it help to write down the reasons you left, for instance? It might help to have something to refer back to when you're having a wobble?

    Also, just looking back at some of your posts on here might act as a reminder of why it was the best thing for you to leave.

    Having said that, it's positive you're able to reflect on what did feel right for you in the relationship, as no doubt those qualities will still be important in your next relationship.

    In terms of rejecting this new guy, I echo what others have said, it really isn't easy for anyone...but what I will say is the longer you leave it, the harder it gets. And doing it doesn't mean you're horrible - it just means you know you're own mind.

    TheSite.org's article on coping with rejection covers both sides of the coin, so worth checking out for some tips and insight - http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/coping-with-rejection-3214.html

    Keep us posted :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Helen.

    You know when you begin to feel agitated and you start to feel too hot? I keep getting that and having to go outside for the cold air to calm me down. I guess it's the pressure.

    Thanks for the article, I had a look. The bit where it says 'I'm wondering if you're getting closer to me than I am to you?'... I like the idea of starting with that as I could do that by text, and it wouldn't sound too horrible.. I don't think. It's scary not knowing how the conversation will play out. I would feel better writing it down so I could go off a sort of script but I know that's silly.

    I might try that.. write down the reasons I left my ex. I'm silly for even thinking about whether I could have stayed with my ex and sorted things out. He was horrible, and violent, and controlling. I don't like break-ups, they're not nice.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Okay so he text me before saying 'Are you in a mood with me or something? Seems weird you not replying all day'. So after the start of a panic atack I replied with 'Sorry, I'm not in a mood, I have been busy today.. I've just been wondering if you see us more than friends?' Wait, as I'm writing this I realise what I replied with is nothing like 'I'm wondering if you're getting closer to me than I am to you'. I should have come on here to check what to say! He replied with 'I'm not going to lie, I do have feelings for you but I don't know if you feel the same? :/'

    And I panicked. And I haven't replied. I know that I should just say 'I don't feel the same' or something along them lines but I'm Panicking.. he put ':/' does that mean he's scared I'm going to say I don't feel the same?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yep - he's hoping that you'll say you like him. Best now to just him outright that no you just don't think of him in that way but that you hope you can remain friends.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I ignored him so he text me again asking if I could talk. So I said 'You're a lovely guy but I don't want a relationship. I was engaged and living with a man who I'm not over yet'. He replied with 'I kind of knew that... I'd rather have you as a friend than nothing'. So I ignored that. He then text me a little later saying 'can I call you so we can talk? Seems weird doing this over text. I've only been back in contact with you for a week and it's not a major crush but there is a lot of attraction...' so I replied a little later with 'not tonight, I'm a little busy. We can talk tomorrow.' Now he's in a mood. He just put 'fine. night.' with no kisses, when usually he would make sure there were 3 kisses and he never goes to bed that early..

    He's seriously just going to be moody because I don't want to be in a relationship? I didn't really want him as a friend anyway because I would have just felt awkward if we ever met up for a drink or something after him telling me he has feelings for me.. but now I don't want him as a friend because if he's going to be moody and act like a child over this, he's not the guy I thought he was. I'm never ever ever going to go out with any guy ever again. I don't need them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He's seriously just going to be moody because I don't want to be in a relationship?
    Quite possibly yes. He'll have put a fair bit emotionally into this and he will likely feel a little hurt. As a result he may well seem to act irrationally at the moment.
    I didn't really want him as a friend anyway because I would have just felt awkward if we ever met up for a drink or something after him telling me he has feelings for me.
    Give it a bit of time if he has been a good friend before you might be able to be good friends again, once everything has calmed down.
    I'm never ever ever going to go out with any guy ever again. I don't need them.
    Remember - there's upsides as well as downsides to relationships :)

    There's an article on TheSite which has some more pointers including if someone doesn't accept rejection:
    http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/coping-with-rejection-3214.html#%C2%A0rejecting-someone-id3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    krng wrote: »
    He'll have put a fair bit emotionally into this and he will likely feel a little hurt. As a result he may well seem to act irrationally at the moment.

    We had been back in contact for a week, and during this week we only met up twice. There can't just be feelings within a week. It doesn't seem possible in my mind.. especially as we only met up twice. He's not text me once today so he's clearly in a mood. Tbh I don't need this so he can do what he wants. He's just acting really immature.

    I did read the article when helen posted it, but thanks anyway.

    Anyway, I told him. he knows. It's done. I'm not worried about this anymore.
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