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men..
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Okay so I thought I had decided to steer clear of men from now on but now I'm not sure how to feel or what to do..
Today this guy started texting me and he's being quite flirty. I've known him for quite a while, we're friends on facebook and occasionally he would like a few photos or status', we've had each others numbers for a while, we knew each other from school bla bla bla but we never really talk anymore.. until today he said 'hello stranger' and we just took it from there.
He's asked me out, and is already planning on things we can do but I don't know what to do. I can't even bring myself to throw photos of me and my ex away! I still have the poems my ex wrote for me. I thought I was over my ex but am I? Should I go on a date with this guy? Should I tell him I'm not ready? I don't know anymore what I want..
Today this guy started texting me and he's being quite flirty. I've known him for quite a while, we're friends on facebook and occasionally he would like a few photos or status', we've had each others numbers for a while, we knew each other from school bla bla bla but we never really talk anymore.. until today he said 'hello stranger' and we just took it from there.
He's asked me out, and is already planning on things we can do but I don't know what to do. I can't even bring myself to throw photos of me and my ex away! I still have the poems my ex wrote for me. I thought I was over my ex but am I? Should I go on a date with this guy? Should I tell him I'm not ready? I don't know anymore what I want..
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TBH getting over an ex can take a fucking long time, and in some cases you're never totally without what they did to you or how they changed you. It's all about how you feel.
I feel excited, everytime this guy texts me I smile.. I guess I could go out and see what happens. Just not sure if it's worth it..
Last night we went out for a drink but these girls were there following us because they also knew us from school so we went and got some drinks from the shop and went back to his to watch a film. I was tipsy which is why I think it was a good laugh. He walked me home then started texting me saying things like 'I miss you already, I want a cuddle', bla bla bla.
Today I was feeling a little iffy all day because I was hungover I think so I told him I didn't want to go to the party tonight which he had invited me to but said he can still go though. He replied with 'nah I just want to spend time with you'. I said I was going to the Christmas lights switch on so he decided to come with me. Anyway, he bought some alcoholic drinks to mine then we went up to the lights switch on but there were too many people for my liking so I asked if he wanted to go back to mine to watch x factor or a film. We did. He was being all soppy and trying to hold my hand and kept wanting hugs and trying to get me to have a drink even though I kept saying I didn't want one so I said I was really tired and wanted to go to bed so he went home. Then started texting me again saying 'I miss you already and your gorgeous smile, what do you want to do tomorrow babe?'
Ahhhh! I'm not his 'babe' and he's too soppy and touchy feely and I don't want to go out every single day! I don't want a relationship but he clearly does. But my aspergers means that I'm uncomfortable telling him I don't want to be in a relationship. Yeah, I know some of you may think that I'm just using my aspergers as an excuse. I'm used to people thinking that. But I'm not using it as an excuse. It makes me uncomfortable with a lot of things and I wish I didn't have it!
How do I tell him? Please don't say 'just tell him straight' because it's not that easy for me.
He's not my ex.. I'm going back to the aspergers again now but every guy I ever started seeing I would get 'bored' and just stay in all the time or pretend I had plans. But I really really really liked my ex before I got with him, so when I did get with him I was so excited and so happy and I spent nearly all of my time with him. Clearly I'm not over him like I thought I was because I'm starting to cry as I'm writing this. It took me 18 years to actually want to spend time with a guy.. and now I wonder if I'll ever find someone like him again. But.. even though he was horrible to me in the end this has got me thinking and I honestly think if he turned up and apologised and promised he would change because he loves me.. I think I would give him another chance.
Anyway.. how do I tell this guy I don't want a relationship? Honestly, I don't even think I want a proper friendship. I don't think I'm the girl anymore that likes to go out and drink, or go out and party. I'm so drained all of the time and being tired and hungover just makes it worse..
Yes, it might not be easy for you, but it is not easy for anyone. Disappointing someone is always a difficult task, Aspergers or not. There is no other respectful way around it.
Hey butterfly, I just wanted to drop in and let you know that a month is absolutely nothing in terms of a break-up and getting over things, so the thought of being intimate with someone else is likely to make you feel somewhat under pressure and perhaps a bit suffocated? Those feelings are not unusual or weird - it's all part of the process.
You're doing really well so far and while it's natural to wonder if you'll ever feel so loved up again, it's important to remember why you did leave and to avoid seeing things through rose tinted glasses... Could it help to write down the reasons you left, for instance? It might help to have something to refer back to when you're having a wobble?
Also, just looking back at some of your posts on here might act as a reminder of why it was the best thing for you to leave.
Having said that, it's positive you're able to reflect on what did feel right for you in the relationship, as no doubt those qualities will still be important in your next relationship.
In terms of rejecting this new guy, I echo what others have said, it really isn't easy for anyone...but what I will say is the longer you leave it, the harder it gets. And doing it doesn't mean you're horrible - it just means you know you're own mind.
TheSite.org's article on coping with rejection covers both sides of the coin, so worth checking out for some tips and insight - http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/coping-with-rejection-3214.html
Keep us posted
You know when you begin to feel agitated and you start to feel too hot? I keep getting that and having to go outside for the cold air to calm me down. I guess it's the pressure.
Thanks for the article, I had a look. The bit where it says 'I'm wondering if you're getting closer to me than I am to you?'... I like the idea of starting with that as I could do that by text, and it wouldn't sound too horrible.. I don't think. It's scary not knowing how the conversation will play out. I would feel better writing it down so I could go off a sort of script but I know that's silly.
I might try that.. write down the reasons I left my ex. I'm silly for even thinking about whether I could have stayed with my ex and sorted things out. He was horrible, and violent, and controlling. I don't like break-ups, they're not nice.
And I panicked. And I haven't replied. I know that I should just say 'I don't feel the same' or something along them lines but I'm Panicking.. he put ':/' does that mean he's scared I'm going to say I don't feel the same?
He's seriously just going to be moody because I don't want to be in a relationship? I didn't really want him as a friend anyway because I would have just felt awkward if we ever met up for a drink or something after him telling me he has feelings for me.. but now I don't want him as a friend because if he's going to be moody and act like a child over this, he's not the guy I thought he was. I'm never ever ever going to go out with any guy ever again. I don't need them.
Give it a bit of time if he has been a good friend before you might be able to be good friends again, once everything has calmed down.
Remember - there's upsides as well as downsides to relationships
There's an article on TheSite which has some more pointers including if someone doesn't accept rejection:
http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/coping-with-rejection-3214.html#%C2%A0rejecting-someone-id3
We had been back in contact for a week, and during this week we only met up twice. There can't just be feelings within a week. It doesn't seem possible in my mind.. especially as we only met up twice. He's not text me once today so he's clearly in a mood. Tbh I don't need this so he can do what he wants. He's just acting really immature.
I did read the article when helen posted it, but thanks anyway.
Anyway, I told him. he knows. It's done. I'm not worried about this anymore.