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probably just a blip
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I feel really crap. Emotionally and physically. To a certain extent, that is to be expected, it's only been a week since I had surgery and I've also got a chest infection which is rendering me pretty useless. Plus my usual routine is messed up and I've realised that I reply on routine very heavily.
But I think it might be a bit more than that. I don't know. I'm really emotional, crying at the most ridiculous things...I tried to pick something up off the floor and I couldn't and I ended up sobbing. Then I cried more because crying hurt. Repeat.
I'm feel of self-loathing about myself, which has manifested itself into self harm, and quite a lot of it. I ended up being readmitted into hospital for a night last week due to the chest infection; the nurses were already very observant of my mental state (can't knock them, they were doing their job) but it got to the point where I couldn't cry without them asking if I wanted to speak to someone from psych. Can they bring my oxygen levels up? No. Can they take anyway some of the pain I'm in? No. Can they take back the surgery and make sure it goes right? No. I don't want to talk because right now I don't see the point. I'm angry and I don't know why. They will force me to take meds again, despite me stating very clearly, to numerous people that I refuse. I have my reasons, the main one being that I was still very up and down on them- coming off them hasn't made a vast difference. Meds alone aren't the magic answer.
I've put on weight. Cue responses from friends of "no you haven't...and if you have, you really needed to." I either have, or I haven't, don't be passive negative with me. All I can think about is when I'm strong enough to go to the gym again.
Last night, my friend who I'm staying with, spent the night at her mum's. I turned my phone off and went to bed, I didn't want to talk or do anything. This worried her, so she contacted the police, who checked up on me to ensure I was alive. Of course I was. They left after I agreed to ring my GP in the morning... I did that and she's on leave for two weeks.
Other things are making me feel crap. A childhood friend passed away two weeks ago. I missed her funeral because of location and not being mobile enough. Her family understood, but I feel horrible for not being there. My grandfather is very ill and has stated he wants me with him for all hospital visits etc. Again, I'm not mobile enough. He's upset and not well enough to understand that I want to be with him more than anything, I just can't *get* there. I also have no money. I mentioned in chat a while back, that my tax code has been messed up, I contacted the tax people although stuff has been sorted, I can't claim the money back until the end of the financial year. I need that money for rent. I'm not fit to work over summer and I have no idea how I'm going to pay rent, bills and uni fees and support myself without the money I should have been earning, on top of my student loan being reduced.
So yes, this probably is just a blip and things will improve at some point, but right this moment, the bad habits/thoughts are winning.
But I think it might be a bit more than that. I don't know. I'm really emotional, crying at the most ridiculous things...I tried to pick something up off the floor and I couldn't and I ended up sobbing. Then I cried more because crying hurt. Repeat.
I'm feel of self-loathing about myself, which has manifested itself into self harm, and quite a lot of it. I ended up being readmitted into hospital for a night last week due to the chest infection; the nurses were already very observant of my mental state (can't knock them, they were doing their job) but it got to the point where I couldn't cry without them asking if I wanted to speak to someone from psych. Can they bring my oxygen levels up? No. Can they take anyway some of the pain I'm in? No. Can they take back the surgery and make sure it goes right? No. I don't want to talk because right now I don't see the point. I'm angry and I don't know why. They will force me to take meds again, despite me stating very clearly, to numerous people that I refuse. I have my reasons, the main one being that I was still very up and down on them- coming off them hasn't made a vast difference. Meds alone aren't the magic answer.
I've put on weight. Cue responses from friends of "no you haven't...and if you have, you really needed to." I either have, or I haven't, don't be passive negative with me. All I can think about is when I'm strong enough to go to the gym again.
Last night, my friend who I'm staying with, spent the night at her mum's. I turned my phone off and went to bed, I didn't want to talk or do anything. This worried her, so she contacted the police, who checked up on me to ensure I was alive. Of course I was. They left after I agreed to ring my GP in the morning... I did that and she's on leave for two weeks.
Other things are making me feel crap. A childhood friend passed away two weeks ago. I missed her funeral because of location and not being mobile enough. Her family understood, but I feel horrible for not being there. My grandfather is very ill and has stated he wants me with him for all hospital visits etc. Again, I'm not mobile enough. He's upset and not well enough to understand that I want to be with him more than anything, I just can't *get* there. I also have no money. I mentioned in chat a while back, that my tax code has been messed up, I contacted the tax people although stuff has been sorted, I can't claim the money back until the end of the financial year. I need that money for rent. I'm not fit to work over summer and I have no idea how I'm going to pay rent, bills and uni fees and support myself without the money I should have been earning, on top of my student loan being reduced.
So yes, this probably is just a blip and things will improve at some point, but right this moment, the bad habits/thoughts are winning.
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Comments
Surgery sucks. Big time. Surgery also knocks you for six - whatever the surgery is. People often underestimate how much just the anaesthetic bit is like being hit by a train to a lot of people. If you've got a chest infection on top of that then I'm not surprised you're feeling run down.
I clearly can't comment on whether or not you've put on weight - but if you've got physical health problems then whether you have or haven't shouldn't be the number one issue. My guess is that your friends are trying to tell you that your weight looks fine - try not to hunt for the negative in what they're saying.
There are clearly a lot of people who care for you - that's a really good thing and will help with your recovery.
Can you focus on the little bits and making progress with them to try and see the light in the recovery. I found setting tiny goals, and achieving them, helped a lot more than trying to be 'normal' because then I'd just get upset when I couldn't manage something, because I was still healing, and cry, which hurt etc etc.
Making cup of tea.
Walking up the stairs only stopping for a break 3 times. Then 2 times, etc.
I had a reaction to the anaesthetic which didn't help, so that that respect the initial recovery took longer.
The tiny goals is a good idea, I think the problem there is not having any desire to do anything. I'm spending most of the time locked in my room because I can't face the outside, healthy world. I went to the shop round the corner, and a little brat kicked my crutches and laughed.
Are there things you can do in the outside healthy world where being on crutches is less obvious? Depends on circumstances obviously, but things like meeting a friend for coffee, or even going on your own and just sitting somewhere different and reading the paper/magazines.
I'm torn between needing a someone, preferably someone who will calm me down, or telling everyone to piss off. Times like this I just need a mum.
Probably not your first choice of places to go - but delivered to pretty close to the door. Cool. Change of scenery. Very limited distance to cover.
A garden centre coffee shop would be ideal - but I don't know where you live.
Just need to Keep Going until then. I hate being reduced to minute by minute or hour by hour living, it's a slap in the face reminder that I'm not okay or fine, despite telling everyone I am.
My friend who I'm staying with has said she'll go somewhere with me if I want. Things are very tense with us after the police incident, which is making me feel worse.
How far is the bus stop from where you're staying? Even if you just go on a bus ride to watch the world go by and get a change of scenery.
The bus stop is about a 5 minute walk, without crutches. If it wasn't for the fact that I need to pretty much take out a loan to be able to afford a 20 minute bus ride into the city I would be jumping on the bus, so I would rather wait until I feel well enough at the other end of the journey to be able to do something rather than wasting £5 and not getting anything out of it.
Walk to the shops?
Walk into town to meet friends?
Wear high heels?
Go the gym and be able to run 10km?
Walk up stairs on a bus without fear of falling?
Walk to the corner shop?
Be able to do Zumba/dance (slightly different requirements to running)?
Be able to use the cross trainer, tread-mill and bikes in the gym.
Know I will be able to walk to uni in September (20-30 minutes) and manage on campus.
I want to me again. But that is more than just a physio thing.
Yes, you want to be you again. Yes, you're right a physio can't fix that - but you're heading down exactly the right track with picking the bits of normal life that they can have an influence on and working on those.
"oh dear, self harm. Well we won't be having *that* going on when you're under the rehab team" << not helpful.
"Being pregnant won't have helped you, did you consider that?" << ages ago, really not helpful.
I'm not fine. I feel close to breaking point.
However, to turn it all inside out.
You're only 22. We usually see people who are a lot older. >> Therefore you are young, you heal and repair better, and they can make progress with a lot quicker than most of their other patients.
Oh dear. Self harm. >> Yeah well. It's not really their problem is it. Possibly suboptimal - but life isn't perfect. If gets brought up as an issue again then point out that it's a coping mechanism and if can get this side of things sorted then there will be one thing crossed of the list of things that cause you grief.
Being pregnant won't have helped >> Funnily enough, it wasn't the only consideration in being pregnant, and that's a past event that can't be changed. Can we please deal with moving forward. No plans to become pregnant again any time soon (I'm assuming) therefore it's not an issue we need to consider further.
Hugs.
Also, can I come kick them in the shins?
Yes.
Scary Monster, everything you have said makes sense, I should be able to see it that way, rather than getting upset over the comments, but it came at a time when I'm already feeling shitty about myself and has knocked me further.
Hugs.
Uni results back from this year, I've come out with a high 2:1. Should be happy. I'm not. I'm upset and angry with myself for fucking up and not getting a first.
I had physio and hydrotherapy this morning, mini freak out because my physio has changed but otherwise okay, and I spoke to the rehab team who made the comments last time, pretty much to say that I didn't appreciate them and in the case of self harm, I'd rather have an honest conversation with them, instead of being made to feel inadequate. They understood and we've moved forward.
Only thing that arose today which has concerned me is my physio wants me in the gym 3-4 times a week, outside of physio, to build my strength up. I think I'm going to find it really hard to go and not obsess about weight. This will equal being in the gym 6 days a week, including time in the physio gym or pool. Even today in the session I was thinking more of how many calories I was burning, not about building strength. I don't know how to break that mindset, or if I can.
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" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
Recovery from surgery has had a major set back and I'm facing further surgery.
Next week is Isla's anniversary. And I miss her, more than I can possibly put into words.
I feel too low to cry. Too low to actually do anything. That disconnection is somehow making everything worse.