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To put it simply...(mentions suicide)
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
...I don't want to be here anymore.
I'm not worth anything to anyone. The constant criticism and put downs tell me that.
I'm "not normal" is something I hear at least once a day from the same person. Why? Because I don't necessarily agree with how she chooses to live and I am the complete opposite. Her constant interfering in my life drives me insane.
It doesn't really matter what I say or think or do. I'm never going to be good enough.
I have written some "goodbye" letters and a plan. Because sometimes there is no other way out. I have a significant date marked that's not too far in the future.
I don't really know why I'm posting. I don't really know why I bother with anything. I will be happier when I'm not here anymore.
I'm not worth anything to anyone. The constant criticism and put downs tell me that.
I'm "not normal" is something I hear at least once a day from the same person. Why? Because I don't necessarily agree with how she chooses to live and I am the complete opposite. Her constant interfering in my life drives me insane.
It doesn't really matter what I say or think or do. I'm never going to be good enough.
I have written some "goodbye" letters and a plan. Because sometimes there is no other way out. I have a significant date marked that's not too far in the future.
I don't really know why I'm posting. I don't really know why I bother with anything. I will be happier when I'm not here anymore.
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Comments
I'm not normal either. But I don't think normal would suit me. Not being normal ismt a bad thing.
Agree.
Remember this is one person being verbally abusive towards you on a regular basis - it is totally understandable that this would drag you down over time. If being told you're not normal feels unkind and derogatory (even if as Scary says, being 'normal' isn't something to particularly aspire to) then that criticism isn't valid and reaching out to people who do recognise your loveliness (including us) is really positive.
I'd also be interested to know how things are going with the counsellor - and just generally to get a sense of how things are going.
*hug*
Get some help from your doctors surgery if you are able to or hospital staff may even help if you are feeling suicidal everything is worth a shot if you are feeling this way
I completely agree with this. I don't actually see who can define normal anyway and why should it matter if I don't conform? I don't want to do what everyone else does or what she thinks everyone else does just because that's how it was for her at my age. I don't ever wish to be "more normal". No-one else thinks any less of me. Grrr I don't know why it bothers me so much! :banghead:
Basically I arranged a while back to have some sessions through work - but by the time it was all arranged I was starting to feel back to my old self. I went for an assessment and we agreed four sessions but after the second we both agreed I was doing pretty well anyway and maybe I should rearrange later in the year should I need it. So I left it there. And although I haven't felt great I have been a lot better until this past month. I didn't take the diazepam for very long because it just made me want to sleep 24/7 and made me feel depressed.
Generally; I'm stuck right now because I have to make a decision and quickly as to whether I return to uni for final year, go back to college to do some other course or don't return to education at all this year. The college courses would either be counselling training or CIPD. When I went for my interview for counselling I was in a good head space and we discussed my background and the length of time in between. He highlighted it as a concern and I told him I would go away and think about it and I would now agree. I'm not keen on doing the CIPD but it would help me in securing another job. I don't enjoy my degree and doing it all from home means I would have to be very self-motivated with it but after the complications last year I still don't know if my head is where it needs to be to do it. With regards to not studying at all - I miss not studying...
Work; the major restructure is still taking place but will be implemented by Sept. I have had a couple of interviews but no offers and nothing I would really want to do. My current job have recognised I was bored so have given me a major project to oversee which I enjoy but it will be short term until its implemented; therefore, where do I go from there?
My Mum has bought the house we now live in and its a fairly long way from both of our works compared to where we were before (0.5 miles from the old house, 8 miles from this one). And its not on a bus route so she is totally reliant on me for lifts to and from work; therefore, when I make any plans or look for alternative jobs I have to factor that in. This is causing major friction because I don't intend to live here forever and I feel like she has trapped me. I know from the outside its a simple fact of "move out and let her get on with it" but in the situation its totally different. She is also the one I was referring to in my original post about constant criticism, etc; hence why I want to move out.
I have come home on numerous occasions to her sobbing about nothing and generally being depressed, which quite frankly I can't deal with. I get "don't know why I'm here/don't have a purpose" general crap and when I threaten her with "well why not be selfish like the other one and leave me with no parents" she tells me she isn't that selfish. She behaves as if no-one else has been effected by any of the events over the past 16 months. The rest of us have had to bend over backwards to be supportive but I get nothing from her in return. She bought this house without thinking and now regrets it and takes everything out on me.
My Sister is now on AD's but is of no help whatsoever. She knows how difficult my Mum is yet offers no support...although she is better now than she was when she wasn't taking AD's.
I have tried adapting my responses to her. I have tried to change my behaviour so hers impacts less on me but you can only go so far before enough becomes enough and actually whatever I do will never make any difference.
I thought I had got over the angry/bitter stage. But I haven't. I'm absolutely livid with him for putting me in this situation. Right now, in my head, he is the most selfish ungrateful, pig-headed, stubborn person I've ever known. But what's even more frustrating is I know he isn't. I know he was kind, considerate, altruistic (to his own detriment!), funny person and that's who I miss. I know its cruel but right now I want to throw back in her face it's her fault. She kept wanting more and more and more and nothing was ever good enough. But I also know it really wasn't and I am just angry.
This is all just some messed up rant that makes hardly any sense. I have tried so hard to change my circumstances. To change what I have control over but you know what none of it makes any difference. So I give up. Because what is the point? :banghead: :crying:
Just been reading your thread. It is not a messed up rant at all you have had to deal with a lot!
You have tried your best with your mum but you are all still trying to find a way of moving on from your dad's death and it will still take a long time. Unfortunately we as people tend to take our frustrations out on the people closest to us which usually is our family, it's not right but it seems that is how people cope with emotional issues. If that makes sense? Maybe when you are ready that you should move out of the family home as it sounds like you need to focus on yourself for a while. Your mum probably knows that you want to move out at some point but does not want to face up to it.
Have you guys thought about something like family mediation or had family counselling?
The project at work sounds interesting, it sounds like you are going to be busy with that.
When do you have to make a decision around Uni?
You have done incredibly well the past year and haven't given up yet so there is something that is telling you to keep on going
I hope this helps a little *hug*
purple_rain
what your mum says about 'being normal' etc isn't true nor relevant. she's lashing out and you're the unfortunate recipient.
I have to decide about uni by the end of June
Thank you it does help...i just feel stuck/trapped.
Thanks purple_roo..i know and agree with what you said...just when you hear something constantly it starts to get to me.
Came home to her drunk from a house warming party and she has told our new neighbours he had died...so much for a new start and not wanting people to know why we had moved.