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Responsibility for parents happiness
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
How much of the onus falls on the children?
I'm trying to live my own life, but my mum is having a tough time of it. Well, in all honesty, she's always had a tough time of life through various issues, but me and my siblings have always been the crutch for her since my dad died.
I've not seen my mum since Christmas, and because of this she has been bitching about me to my siblings who are giving mixed signals.
My sister gets upset because basically my mum is getting quite ill and confused about things, whereas my brother said to me 'Its not our fault you haven't visited her since Xmas, you could make more effort tbh'.
Last year btw, I visited her every three to four weeks and called every week for most of the year. She has visited me once and called me never.
I don't feel that it should be my 'responsibility' alone to ensure I visit her all the time and call all the time to keep her happy - she is not a child after all. She can always call me.
I'm just looking for some validation really that I'm not a bad son. My brother's comments about 'you could do more' (because I am keeping in touch relatively less for the past few months) really cut deep.
I'm trying to live my own life, but my mum is having a tough time of it. Well, in all honesty, she's always had a tough time of life through various issues, but me and my siblings have always been the crutch for her since my dad died.
I've not seen my mum since Christmas, and because of this she has been bitching about me to my siblings who are giving mixed signals.
My sister gets upset because basically my mum is getting quite ill and confused about things, whereas my brother said to me 'Its not our fault you haven't visited her since Xmas, you could make more effort tbh'.
Last year btw, I visited her every three to four weeks and called every week for most of the year. She has visited me once and called me never.
I don't feel that it should be my 'responsibility' alone to ensure I visit her all the time and call all the time to keep her happy - she is not a child after all. She can always call me.
I'm just looking for some validation really that I'm not a bad son. My brother's comments about 'you could do more' (because I am keeping in touch relatively less for the past few months) really cut deep.
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Comments
How far away do you live. It would probably mean a lot to your family to at least phone every week or so, even if its not to say much, and try and visit - presuming you dont live on opposite sides of the country and she hasnt been an abuser or anything??
There's a big difference between being responsible for someones happiness, and being a communicative member of the family.
Most parents don't want to impinge on their grown up childrens life styles - so your comment that she could just ring you to me seems a little narrow minded. Personally I aim to call my parents about once a week. Sometimes I manage it, sometimes I don't but I make a point of definitely making some contact once a fortnight. Apart from anything else to prove I'm still alive and check they are. It shows that I actively care rather than assuming that someone else will do the job for me.
I work with a lot of 20somethings who live a long way from their parents. Our general opinion (handily we were having this discussion the other day) is that seeing parents once a quarter is probably a good starting point to aim for and aiming to phone once a week (so actually reliably getting at least once a fortnight).
It can be difficult to get the balance right - if you feel like you've been a crutch in the past then it can be easy to want to try and put up defences and get on with your own life. But to me it sounds like you might be swinging things slightly too far the other way.
Would it really kill you to phone her for 15 minutes on a Sunday night after you've put the washing on (or similar)?
Does your mom live alone? Frankly, your mother's growing old and she misses all her children. Parents can be bit tough at times but, we shouldn't forget the things they've done for us.
I don't say you owe her any sort of obligation but, then again they've done a lot for you and now they're old. They need someone to give them company, someone to talk to, someone who listens to them and empathises with them.
I don't say that you should leave your work and rush by her side but, making a phone call say, once or twice a week is no harm.
Remember, you may not be her only child but, she's your only mom. Love her and care for her while you can.
I know I'm no angel, I could probably see my family more as well, but I still make an effort to speak to them once a week.
No you're not responsible for her happiness, but as the loving son at least give her a call from time to time, even if you don't get to see her much.
You aren't *responsible*for her happiness but your actions do contribute.
Why do you not seem to want to call/see her?
I think you could do more.
I wouldnt know if youre a bad son, but you could do a hell of a lot more, providing of course she hasnt behaved appalingly to you
What gave you this impression?
For the record I do talk to her. I try to call every week or every other week. For the past 2 months she has not answered or returned my calls except twice. Then she claims I have not tried to contact her to my siblings.
Sometimes visiting my mum can be difficult. She can be very hateful, perhaps because of her depression. But i do visit her, and on average about once a month. It's only the past few months where I haven't, because shock horror my life has been hectic and I've been trying to sort it out.
I will endeavour to keep calling each week until she does answer however. I got her a laptop so she could get Skype on it, but she still hasn't set up her internet. My other siblings obviously can't help with the that, which is why it's my responsibility.
Bear in mind that for the previous 12 months my sister and myself had been there to support her almost exclusively whilst my brothers had had hectic lives.
I don't judge my siblings, but I object to them judging me, especially on incomplete information.
I live 100 miles from my mother for the record.
tell her to answer her bloody phone
Not massively different amounts of effort between the two, but the overall impression given is very different.
It's easy to forget how difficult some people of your mums generation find dealing with computers and Skype and the like. My mum is pretty good, but using the computer at home is still a battle each and everytime, she gets no enjoyment out of it other than facebook, dealing with her emails is still a battle she goes through - and I'm still convinced that she only manages to talk to my brother on Skype/Facetime out of sheer luck. Mine still hasn't fully got her head around how the missed call things on phones work, and is surprised when I call back after someone from home has rung and I know they've rung, even if they've not left a message.
Another thing to remember with family relationships is that banking up time and effort rarely works, either for the person in question, or for your siblings/relatives impression of what you do. So, if the last few months have been busy then that may make logical sense as to why you've not been in touch much - but if you've not been in touch much then the chances of anyone appreciating why you've not been in touch are even lower and so the circle goes around.
Persistence, voicemails, and texts can help. See something one the weather/traffic news - drop her a mindless message along the lines of ' Just seen weather for XXXX, hope you don't get blown away in the gales, here seems to be getting off lightly' or similar. Keeps the line of communication open. Mine hardly ever calls me back - she's convinced that I'd be too busy or she'd disturb something.