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I want to die..

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi, I'm really sorry about this, I know I dont come on Here often or support other people and so I really don't deserve your support and therefore will completely understand if you do not want to support me, but I thought I'd make a thread just in case...ive been suffering fRom severe depression and self harm for almost 7 years now, after some not very nice things happened to me when I was 12, in the last 7 years my emotions have been all over the place, I cant cope with what happened to me and this has caused me to make many suicide attempts because I no longer feel my life is worth living, I moved into a hostel in November last year and was referred to therapy, which I was told would take until July this year, as there is a very long waiting list, 2 weeks ago I made a suicode plan-for yesterday, in the hope that my gp would have listened to me by then and got me seen by the emergency assessment team, despite several gp appointments over the last 2 weeks I have not received any further support but instead have had my meds increased...I managed to survive yesterday purely because my friend was in trouble and needed me but now I'm alone the suicidal thoughts and feelings have come back and are ripping me apart, I just don't know what to do, I cant cope wwith life any longer, I have tried so hard to get more help but I feel that the only way out now is to die...what should I do?

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hey,

    i know how you're feeling, i'm feeling pretty desperate and have asked for help many times but not getting it/ people not replying or calling back... it makes you feel pretty alone and like, well if they don't care, why should i?
    but... even though there's loads of crap going round in my head there is a sort of inner strength that just keeps me going, and from what you say in the thread, it sounds like you have a certain strength and don't want to give up, but just feel desperate and frustrated, understandable. anyway i'm sorry i don't really have advice, but sometimes it helps to know that other people are with you.
    please don't hurt yourself.. *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey, thanks for your reply? It really means a lot just toknow someone cares enough to reply, I know what you mean, when I am myself I can hink rationally and while the thoughts are still there and very strong, I can still ask for help as -I- am still in here, but sometimes this thing just takes over my whole body and clouds all rational thoughts, I think thats what I'm most scared of, that this other thing inside me will take over and do this without -my- permission, like, I think this thing is still me but it seems to have a mind of it own and it literally takes over at times...and I think I'm rambling because I haven't slept and I'm still suicidal but yeah, thanks for the reply
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The best source of help you can have is talking to someone. I am here if you need to chat. You have got to think about what happened in your life when your depression first started and talk about your feelings throughout that time.

    Just because you can't offer support doesn't mean you shouldn't get some when you need some help. There are a lot of lovely helpful people here, that will help you no matter what. So please never think that you don't deserve help!

    Please don't give in to what ever is taking over your body. Life is precious.

    Need a chat. We can arrange something :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks :) it means a lot, I have docs in 10 mins and one of the staff members where I live is coming with me so I I freak out she can explain as she knows almost everything that's been going on, bless her poor woman is night staff should have gone home 45 mins ago to bed but she's staying to go docs with me :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :d

    Thats a really good step to be taking. A bit of support by your side is really good!

    Hope it goes well, and you get more support from your gp's!
    If you would like to let me know how you get on later! Up to you!:heart:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks, I will post in here after my apt, I now dont have an apt till 9.25 as we were late but poor Hannah is still determined to stay with me bless her
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just got back from the docs hes done me an emergency referral to the cmht so should be seen in the next few days, I'm seeing him again on Fri and hes upped my antidepressants so I'm on 30mg of mirtazapine, put me ob zopiclone long term and put me on olanzapine which is an anti psychotic :/
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thats good news though. At least they are giving you the help! This is only the first step and it will be hard, but keep your determination up and head high, you'll get through it, no matter how hard it is, or how long it takes.

    Just keep up the good work, and its nice to hear you got people around you that help. Support is the best help you could get from anyone!

    Here if you need someone, i will always lend an ear!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    antipsychotics help to calm down your mind, just watch o0ut with olanzapine though coz it can make you want to eat and eat, well it did with me anyway.. good luck
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Great, the mirtazapine already makes me want to eat and eat lol, it gives me mad sugar cravings!
    Thanks for all your support guys, it means a lot
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi RAWWR

    I just wanted to echo what the others have said and reassure you that you totally deserve to ask for - and receive - help here... these boards are for everyone, not just for people who post all the time ;)

    I'm so glad that you had the courage to make this thread, and that you've been to see your GP. It's really good that Hannah is there to support you as talking in a GP surgery can be daunting, but you obviously did well because they are taking you seriously and trying to get you help.

    I'm hoping that these positive steps will keep the serious suicidal thoughts at bay, but if not you can always call Samaritans when things are bad and just talk through how you're feeling - sometimes this can help the moment to pass.
    http://www.samaritans.org/
    Tel: 08457 90 90 90
    They also have an email service if you can't face talking: jo@samaritans.org

    Also, I don't know if you've heard of our chat sessions? They can be a good way to both give and get support in real time, as well as getting to know other users a bit better - all the chat sessions are listed here if you're interested:
    http://vbulletin.thesite.org/forumdisplay.php/144-Announcements

    Please keep posting here and letting us know how you're doing
    *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dont want to be here anymore I cant take this :(
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    RAWWR wrote: »
    Just got back from the docs hes done me an emergency referral to the cmht so should be seen in the next few days, I'm seeing him again on Fri

    How did the doctor's go today? Any news on the referral? Sending some big hugs *hug*

    Have you got any plans over the weekend? It might help to have some distractions to help lift your mood a little...anything that's worked in the past?

    You've done really well to talk to people about how you're feeling :yes:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I didnt go to the docs in the end I had a panic attack, I'm supposed to be going out tomorrow night as its my bday on tues but I don't think I am now as none of us has any money...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know you posted a dew days ago now but just wanted to write to see how you were today, offer some advice and support if I can. I know what you are going through to a degree I have felt like life is no longer worth living and have been desperate for a way out when it seems like no one can help you.

    I hope you are o.k as you can be right now. You can always message me if you need support or a chat. I come on the site daily so hopefully you wouldn't have to wait too long. I always found the mornings and times when I am alone the worst. I think god I've got the whole day to get through, try and take each day at a time.

    Just hope you know people care about you and want to help.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hugs*

    Sorry to hear that you didn't go to the doctors, hopefully you can get another appt soon and get sorted. Always here for you.

    Have you thought about texting/phoning a helpline. The Samaritans are good. and you don't even have to ring you can text them.

    We all care, so keep posting if it's helping <3
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