I wish I was dead

Former Member · January 2013

I'll keep this short:

I've been coping on my own without any proper emotional support for three years now, I've had to learn to be really self-sufficient, and this has led to me feeling really depressed and despairing, and like I can't cope
I have severe body image issues and it's likely I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I'm obsessed with mirrors and the way my body looks
I was bullied from years 7-9 by many different groups of people for the way my body looks, I never had any friends either
Now I'm home educated, my parent's work full time, so I have to study on my own for my GCSEs which are just a year away. I'm terrified I'm going to fail because I'm not motivated to do any work anymore, I just want to sleep. I feel like I made a huge mistake in agreeing to be home educated, but I feel I have to keep these thoughts quiet because I asked to be pulled out of school. I also know I can't go back to a school.
I'm also incredibly lonely. I have no friends. I spend everyday indoors because I'm afraid to go outside because of how I look. I never had any friends at school and I didn't really get along with people my own age.
I don't get along with my mother, we argue frequently and I really hate my family but they're all I have for the next two years. I'm stuck inside the house all day with nowhere to go and no money to do anything. I don't like asking for money from my parents because they're in a lot of debt.

I've had enough of life. I just wish I was dead but I don't know how to go through with it. I'm not sure which method would work best.

I've told my GP all this but she hasn't taken me seriously, she just referred me to CAMHS CBT (which didn't work for me last time and I tried it for 6 months)

Will I ever be happy? I feel so overwhelmed and hopeless.
Most of all, I just want real friends. People I really like, but not teens really. I just want a normal teen life, I want to be able to meet up with people and have fun, to escape the house for a bit. I think that would really make me feel happier. But how can I meet up with people older than me? I'm not talking old old, I'm talking like young adults 16- 20yrs.

I really want my suffering to end. I can't take any more of this.

Former Member · January 2013

Hi violeta :wave:

Sorry to hear things are so bad for you - it seems you have a lot going on right now and it can feel really overwhelming. *hug*

With regards to the bullying, have you tried any online support groups at all? Maybe someone like Beat Bullying; http://www.beatbullying.org/ could offer you some help to overcome the issues that you faced? There is also a helpful article here: http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/wellbeing/lookingafteryourself/beatbullying that you could read for some more info.

I can see from your post that you also struggle to meet new people. Have you considered joining any social groups for a specific hobby or interest you have? Or maybe you could do some volunteer work that would help you to meet some new people?

I know you have already spoken to your GP and tried the first recommendation but how about a follow up appointment to see if they can offer you any alternative treatments? CBT isn't for everyone and it might be that they could possibly offer you something else?

I can empathise with how you feel with regards to wanting it to end but I promise you suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I don't want to take away your feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, despair because I know right now that is how you feel but I promise there is help out there for you. Have you tried contacting the Samaritans as someone who will listen and not judge? You can contact them via phone, text or email as detailed here: http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

Keep posting here and reaching out for support - posting here is a massive step and a positive one at that. Let us know how you get on *hug*

I wish I was dead

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