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Too much time to think...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ok so this is a bit of a jumbled up mess of lots of things that are really upsetting me.
So firstly - I hate myself - in every way. Just so this is in a little more perspective - I was always a healthy weight/size and was really active until the age of 17 - then I started comfort eating because of personal issues and my weight crept up until I was seriously overweight. Then in May 2010, I decided I wanted to get fit again - I was more interested in getting back into sport and being active than the weight loss part. But as it does - the weight dropped off and I lost A LOT of weight putting me back to being healthy and in proportion, for me, by June 2011. Obviously maintaining weight loss is harder than losing it but I maintained it, including over xmas 2011, for 8 months until my Dad died. Then the old habits came back. I've only put on just over a sixth of the weight I lost; however, I feel really unhappy and really uncomfortable and its making me miserable which makes me eat...you get the picture! Anyway - enough is enough and I am losing weight through healthy eating and regular exercise at the gym - but I still hate myself. I can't explain what I hate, etc but even at my slimmest I remember feeling fat and ugly and when I reflect back on it - I've always thought that, ever since I was a child. I guess one thing in general I hate is my actual body shape and no amount of toning changes it!!!
Secondly - Christmas has been a bit of a struggle. Don't get me wrong - I had a lovely time at my Sister's and wouldn't have wanted it any other way - only the one person who really made Christmas special in his own way, was my Dad and I'm gutted that he wasn't there and I missed him like hell. This in itself was hard enough - until I started getting text messages asking me "Did you have a good Christmas or was it as crap as you imagined it to be??" Knowing the people who sent it - that was meant in the bitchy way it sounds and I'm kind of annoyed that they even text me if they were going to be like that? When I told them I had a lovely time but it wasn't the same I got some other crap about how it wouldn't be and I should just enjoy the fact it wasn't awful! Arghhh some people really annoy me.
Thirdly - I'm sick of my family interfering in my life. I understand having a bit of a joke at each other's expense - it is what families do - but some take it too far and I'm annoyed with them always trying to tell me how to live my life and for winding me up because I don't want to ruin a perfectly good friendship by having a relationship with this guy. I've explained it so many times but they don't get it and I'm tired of being told who I should see, what I should do, etc, etc. Also, I'm paranoid about certain things with other family members and the impact on me if things go wrong. I don't want to get hurt anymore
Maybe it is a combination of all of the above but the suicidal feelings have returned and that combined with feeling paranoid about 2013, having no self-confidence, issues at work and generally feeling low means I've suddenly realised how much I am struggling and how much I've been putting on a front again recently and telling everyone I'm fine. I'm not fine and I know my GP should be the first place I go to but I don't think I can face it. Sorry for the pointless ramble.
So firstly - I hate myself - in every way. Just so this is in a little more perspective - I was always a healthy weight/size and was really active until the age of 17 - then I started comfort eating because of personal issues and my weight crept up until I was seriously overweight. Then in May 2010, I decided I wanted to get fit again - I was more interested in getting back into sport and being active than the weight loss part. But as it does - the weight dropped off and I lost A LOT of weight putting me back to being healthy and in proportion, for me, by June 2011. Obviously maintaining weight loss is harder than losing it but I maintained it, including over xmas 2011, for 8 months until my Dad died. Then the old habits came back. I've only put on just over a sixth of the weight I lost; however, I feel really unhappy and really uncomfortable and its making me miserable which makes me eat...you get the picture! Anyway - enough is enough and I am losing weight through healthy eating and regular exercise at the gym - but I still hate myself. I can't explain what I hate, etc but even at my slimmest I remember feeling fat and ugly and when I reflect back on it - I've always thought that, ever since I was a child. I guess one thing in general I hate is my actual body shape and no amount of toning changes it!!!
Secondly - Christmas has been a bit of a struggle. Don't get me wrong - I had a lovely time at my Sister's and wouldn't have wanted it any other way - only the one person who really made Christmas special in his own way, was my Dad and I'm gutted that he wasn't there and I missed him like hell. This in itself was hard enough - until I started getting text messages asking me "Did you have a good Christmas or was it as crap as you imagined it to be??" Knowing the people who sent it - that was meant in the bitchy way it sounds and I'm kind of annoyed that they even text me if they were going to be like that? When I told them I had a lovely time but it wasn't the same I got some other crap about how it wouldn't be and I should just enjoy the fact it wasn't awful! Arghhh some people really annoy me.
Thirdly - I'm sick of my family interfering in my life. I understand having a bit of a joke at each other's expense - it is what families do - but some take it too far and I'm annoyed with them always trying to tell me how to live my life and for winding me up because I don't want to ruin a perfectly good friendship by having a relationship with this guy. I've explained it so many times but they don't get it and I'm tired of being told who I should see, what I should do, etc, etc. Also, I'm paranoid about certain things with other family members and the impact on me if things go wrong. I don't want to get hurt anymore
Maybe it is a combination of all of the above but the suicidal feelings have returned and that combined with feeling paranoid about 2013, having no self-confidence, issues at work and generally feeling low means I've suddenly realised how much I am struggling and how much I've been putting on a front again recently and telling everyone I'm fine. I'm not fine and I know my GP should be the first place I go to but I don't think I can face it. Sorry for the pointless ramble.
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Christmas is a really hard time for a lot of people. There's this perception that it should be all smiles and happiness, and then when it's not it seems doubly rubbish. You also end up being pretty much forced into spending time with family - who you may well not actually want to be boxd up in a small space with for hours on end. There's the old saying that you can chose your friends but you can't chose your family. I like my friends, and I still wouldn't chose to spend as much time with them as I do my family at Christmas.
I'm really glad you had a good time yesterday, it was always going to be hard, but that you enjoyed bits of it shows how fa you've come. Well done you.
As for family interfering, I know the feeling. I've bit needled at pretty much since I got home. It's reaching the point where it's tempting to make up some ludicrous story to get the point across.
One day at a time, bite size steps.
As for your self-confidence- what might help you there is learning to love your body shape. You've already lost the weight and maintained a healthy weight, so you know you can do that again, but body image and feeling attractive whatever your size are what will change your mood. It took me a while to learn to love my body- I'm not the media's false portrayal of beautiful- but goddamnit is it great, soft flabby bits and all! It's hard for me to give specifics when I don't actually know what you look like though!
Flip this interference on its head, and look at it from the perspective of knowing that they care enough to want the best for you, even if they don't know or understand the full story.
Have you set up the counselling to start in the new year?
Hugs to you. It sounds like you've had a tough Christmas. You must miss your Dad. It can be so hard to go through the holidays when someone has recently passed away.
I am really sorry to hear you say you are struggling with how you feel about yourself and your body. I am really glad that you've reached out to the community on TheSite. It can be so hard to talk about these things, especially when you are feeling so low. Have you had a chance to read about some articles that discuss experiences that are somewhat similar to yours? Here are a couple that I thought might be somewhat helpful.
http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/wellbeing/bodyimageandselfesteem/distortedimage
http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/wellbeing/lookingafteryourself/dealingwithdeath
Have you considered sending a message to us on AsktheSite? You can talk about specific things that are bothering you and get one to one advice from an expert.
I hope you are feeling a bit better today.
Heather
I agree Purple_roo that they care - In fact I would be annoyed if they didnt in some respects, but I feel like I don't fit their category of "normal" just because I haven't done what they think I should do. I guess it just clashes with my lack of self-confidence and it upsets me in ways it really shouldn't.
I haven't set it up yet - she told me to email her again in March if I still want sessions and we can go from there.
Thank you for the links Heather - they were useful to read. I guess the Christmas thing just didn't feel right and I didn't really know how to handle it.
I have used askTheSite before and it was really useful - I guess I don't really have anything specific to ask at the moment though - I just needed to vent.