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blowing off steam!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey all, I thought it would help me to get this out of my system and blow of some steam. So here goes.....
I got pregnant in 2011 (christmas eve I found out) as I was on contraception this was a massive shock to the system to me and my boyfriend (I'm 22 and he is 26). However after a day of thinking 'what the f**k am i going to do?!' I came round to the idea. I have always wanted a baby but wanted to wait until I was stable mentally, financially and relationship wise. After thinking about it I got overwhelmed with excitement, I was actually going to be a mummy!!! However there was a downside to my happiness, my boyfriend was very unhappy, he didnt feel we were ready for a baby, he was going back to uni, I was in uni etc, so naturally he wanted me to get rid, I refused, our relationship went down hill. He said he would stand by my decision and help me out.
So January came, I was 8 weeks pregnant and news had leaked out at work, I was welcomed with congratulaitons, when are you due? etc. On Friday January 6th 2012 I was working a night shift on the bar, i felt pretty damn sick and had cramps. I asked to go early (it wasn't busy) but was told I couldn't. At around 8pm I went to the toilet and to my disbelief I was bleeding, not much, but still I freaked out, found my manager and cried my eyes out. I was sent home. My boyfriend came to meet me. The NHSdirect were phoned by him, I had to wait all weekend for my scan to see if my precious baby was ok. Monday 9th January came, 10am I went to the hospital, by 11am I had my answer, my baby was gone. My boyfriend hugged me while I sobbed.
10 months on, I remember every detail of this and think about my baby every day, was it a boy? what would they have looked like? My boyfriend recently said ( I was upset about it the other day) that he thought it was a boy and that he just came to say hello to me and tell me he wasn't ready to be born yet but I would be a mummy when we were both ready.
To say goodbye, but not to forget, our baby we made a paper boat, put a candle in it, filled it with a letter from me and sent it down the river, we watched until we could see it no more. I found writing a letter to the baby was a great way to let out some of my feelings, feelings I didn't want to say but could write. It went something like this;
To my precious baby,
I will never forget you, though I never met you I felt you inside me. I wish you were still inside me, growing, getting stronger every day. I will never get to meet you which breaks my heart. Daddy says you wanted to say hello to me and let me know you were not ready to be born. I wish I could of seen your face and your smile. I will always remember you and you will always have a place in my heart.
I love you my baby
Love always, mummy.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Also forgot to ask, should i still be feeling like this? is there a time as to when you should 'get over it?'
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi goingcrazy! :wave:

    That was very nice and very brave of you to share your story with us :heart:

    How do you feel after getting it out of your system? Can I ask have you had any support with your grief, like counselling?

    Keep us posted.

    purple_raiin *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It felt good to get it out I guess, yeah I had counselling in Febuary for 6 weeks, it helped me out but I still think about it and get upset :( I've been pushing my borfriend away since it happened and don't know how to stop doing it. I wish I could be me again, going through a really shit time again kicked out of uni and sacked from work :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi goingcrazy! :wave:

    How are you?

    I noticed you posted something extra when I posted my reply. It is ok to still feel like this as you are still grieving. Grieving can take a long time and differs to each person. I don't think there is a time to 'get over it' but you will find a way to move on.

    Have you thought of going back to some sort of counselling? You and your boyfriend could get some couple counselling which may help you both as a couple to move on from this but maybe the first thing to do is to concentrate on yourself.

    What did you study at uni?

    Let us know how you are :heart:

    purple_rain *hug*
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    Hi goingcrazy! I'm so sorry for you and your boyfriend.
    You asked if there is a time when you should get over it? I don't think there is. Not to get over it anyway, but to accept and live with it.
    You see, I have 2 friends that have lost their babies. My 1 friend didn't even know she was pregnant, a friend at work pointed out that they thought she was having a miscarriage, so with that and the fact it was really early in the pregnancy she didn't feel that bonded to the baby. But she was heartbroken because she really wanted to be a mother and was making plans to come off the pill.
    My other friend lost her baby a lot later on in the pregnancy. She and her partner were devastated. She named the baby and had a special place to go every year on the baby's death. You could see it in her face a year later, she wasn't over it, it still hurt her to think about the baby, but she was determined to celebrate her baby's existence.
    I'm happy to say both are now mothers, each with a happy, healthy toddler. I think having the children helped heal their loss, but I know they'll never forget what could have been. My friend talks about the big sister in heaven to her child, growing everyday into a beautiful little girl, watching from a far, so they'll never forget.

    Losing a child is probably the hardest thing a parent can face. Sometimes it can be hard to talk about it with your partner. -Like purple_rain said, it might be an idea to get counselling for the both of you. It's important for you both to talk about how you feel, otherwise it could pull you apart. xx *hug*
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