If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
things are going downhill
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello. I've tried to make this a well thought out post rather than a rant.
Over the last month or so (basically since I moved to France) the situation in my head is getting worse and worse, and I'm losing control of it really. I don't think I'm going to kill myself or even self harm, although I do feel urges sometimes.
Firstly, I cry for several hours a day for almost no reason at all. Anything that's pretty or ugly or sad or happy makes me cry.
I am also panicking about forgetting things and developing strange rituals. I am terrified of forgetting my keys or leaving the cooker on, so before I leave the house I have to touch the cooker four times. Sometimes this isn't enough and I have to leave wherever I am to go back to my flat to check. I check at least every ten minutes to see if my keys are in my bag.
I am constantly exhausted. The stairs are a big effort at the moment. I have also had a bad cold for the last month or so, that isn't getting any better.
I am also forgetting social skills that should come naturally (this is one of the things that's worrying me most.) I'm forgetting to say hello and things like that. I also find it difficult to follow a conversation that isn't straightforward facts, like questions and answers. I had problems with this when I was a small child, but it came naturally when I was a teenager.
I am physically very ugly at the moment. My skin is grey and spotty, and I am fat. I am eating because I am sad, and being fat makes me sadder. I am ashamed of how I look now.
There are also some external factors that are not helping the situation. I am painfully lonely (I don't have the energy to try to make friends any more.) The people in the house where I live/work (I'm an au pair) have gone from tolerating me, and getting on just about, to criticising me constantly. I have heard them complaining about me, and the children tell me everything that their mother says about me. I know they will complain about something I've done when they get home tonight, but I don't know what yet. One time she saw me cry and looked at me in disgust.
I can't remember the last time I laughed or smiled genuinely, and nobody's hugged me apart from during sex since I left home. Sex makes me sick and sad, I'm not entirely sure why I do it.
These things are all related, but I don't know how to solve any of them. I've tried talking to my mother about it, but she says all the external problems are just in my head and I should stop being daft.
I've tried going to church, but I just cried hysterically when I was there and hated everyone who had enough faith to trust God, because I don't. The priest wasn't very helpful.
Please give me some constructive advice, because I'm seriously concerned that I'm going mad, or at least having a small breakdown. I don't think I can see the doctor until Christmas.
If it's relevant, I started taking Microgynon two weeks ago precisely. Things weren't good before that but they were a lot better than this.
Over the last month or so (basically since I moved to France) the situation in my head is getting worse and worse, and I'm losing control of it really. I don't think I'm going to kill myself or even self harm, although I do feel urges sometimes.
Firstly, I cry for several hours a day for almost no reason at all. Anything that's pretty or ugly or sad or happy makes me cry.
I am also panicking about forgetting things and developing strange rituals. I am terrified of forgetting my keys or leaving the cooker on, so before I leave the house I have to touch the cooker four times. Sometimes this isn't enough and I have to leave wherever I am to go back to my flat to check. I check at least every ten minutes to see if my keys are in my bag.
I am constantly exhausted. The stairs are a big effort at the moment. I have also had a bad cold for the last month or so, that isn't getting any better.
I am also forgetting social skills that should come naturally (this is one of the things that's worrying me most.) I'm forgetting to say hello and things like that. I also find it difficult to follow a conversation that isn't straightforward facts, like questions and answers. I had problems with this when I was a small child, but it came naturally when I was a teenager.
I am physically very ugly at the moment. My skin is grey and spotty, and I am fat. I am eating because I am sad, and being fat makes me sadder. I am ashamed of how I look now.
There are also some external factors that are not helping the situation. I am painfully lonely (I don't have the energy to try to make friends any more.) The people in the house where I live/work (I'm an au pair) have gone from tolerating me, and getting on just about, to criticising me constantly. I have heard them complaining about me, and the children tell me everything that their mother says about me. I know they will complain about something I've done when they get home tonight, but I don't know what yet. One time she saw me cry and looked at me in disgust.
I can't remember the last time I laughed or smiled genuinely, and nobody's hugged me apart from during sex since I left home. Sex makes me sick and sad, I'm not entirely sure why I do it.
These things are all related, but I don't know how to solve any of them. I've tried talking to my mother about it, but she says all the external problems are just in my head and I should stop being daft.
I've tried going to church, but I just cried hysterically when I was there and hated everyone who had enough faith to trust God, because I don't. The priest wasn't very helpful.
Please give me some constructive advice, because I'm seriously concerned that I'm going mad, or at least having a small breakdown. I don't think I can see the doctor until Christmas.
If it's relevant, I started taking Microgynon two weeks ago precisely. Things weren't good before that but they were a lot better than this.
0
Comments
Its sounds as if you are feeling really overwhelmed at present . big hug.
you explained their are several external factors that you feel are contributing to the way you feel.Im really glad you are able to draw upon the fact that you have a new job and
that you are may be feeling worse due to being away from family and friends.
I feel you may benifit from speaking to a GP about the way you are feeling.
Why are you unable to see a GP until December ?
i really just want somebody to tell me something i can do to instantly sort it out but i don't know what that could be.
sending you lots of *hug*
I've lived abroad too and it can be really stressful and draining. I had similar issues with lacking energy and crying lots too. Is it an urban area you're in? If so, I found sometimes doing things by myself helped... like going for a coffee or going to the cinema etc - got me out of the house even when I didn't feel like socialising and sometimes just even leaving the house can make you feel better. Or walking. And baking/cooking. I did a lot of that and it helped me but if you have to do that as part of your job, you might not feel like doing that!
What do you like to do most when you're home?
It sounds like being there isn't helping you at all; would it be possible for you to either come home or change to another employer? Is it a gap year you're doing? The only reason I ask about changing employer is that they are evidently not very nice and it's affecting you in a negative way.
I didn't go to France, so I'm not sure how healthcare works there but you might be able to get reductions with your european health insurance card?
*hug*
I've thought about going to the doctor, but I don't think what's going on an the moment is the sort of thing that either counselling or pills could help; going home is the only thing that would stop me from feeling like this.
I'm stopping taking the Pill after this packet, because I think how emotional I am is completely over the top given the situation; my employer and life here aren't as bad as I feel they are. With any luck after a few weeks I'll be able to think rationally about what's going on. I'm also going to the doctor about the fact that I've had a cough and a cold for over a month. Getting rid of that will help me too.
Making cakes and biscuits is one of the things I'm liking doing at the moment. I made some gooey apple shortcake on friday and cooking it and sharing it with the nannies at the park made me really happy. When I get paid I want to make some shepherd's pie and an apple crumble.
I've thought about changing employers, and although my contract allows me to give two weeks notice and just leave, I made a moral commitment to them when they bought my travelcard for me, which costed 400 euros and lasts for the whole year. If I left, I'd either have to pay them that money (which I don't have) or they'd be left without it. I'm not entirely sure of what they'd think if I told them that I was leaving, but if I start to feel much worse than this I think I'll be in too much of a state to do my job properly anyway. Also, if I go home, I'll feel like I've failed at being an adult, or at least I'll have failed at something. Even though my parents won't kick me out onto the street, I know they'll think less of me for giving up.
I don't think there's much I can do apart from keep on going and just cope.
Some people react in different ways to medication it's about finding the right one.
And if you quit your job it doesn't mean you're a failure or that you have given up, it just means that either you're not ready for a job just yet, or that job is not for you.
Big hug xx *hug*
I think all homesick is normal. I did struggle in Germany. Could you cook your favourite meal or watch your favourite film or catch up with some friends to help with it? :hug: