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I feel like I don't have the right to feel depressed
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm really awesome at bottling up my emotions so all I get in the end is anger - the reason I do this is either because I don't feel in a safe environment to express myself or can't really process what I'm feeling properly other than just knowing I'm not feeling right.
My life is chaotic at the best of times and terrifying at the worst, nothing ever stays the same and I don't really get much support from those actually close to me cos 9/10 they have their own shit to deal with, and it's very difficult to get constructive advice from people like that sometimes.
Right now, I've just moved into a new house in a new area with my best friend and my mother. Both of them have fairly serious physical health concerns, and other stuff that I feel is much bigger to deal with than me dealing with my past and my little neuroses and just random pains. Even considering all that's been going on for me with housing situation/benefits/health I've tried to remain strong and at least a little up beat. But now it's getting towards sorted I feel like a void has opened up again and that I'm full of emotions I can't explain. I don't feel like I have the time/energy/space/brain capacity/or the right to feel depressed right now. So I'm pushing it all down and I'm getting narked off by everything as a result and snapping at people all the time. I've never been this ill-tempered before!
I'm on a waiting list for therapy, but it's 3 months + and I'm already 2 months along that, but I'm worried that it's just not going to work (my experiences with NHS & mental health treatment have been poor to say the least). I've been seen by a student councillor just to tide me over but I really want to up the number of appointments I have to twice weekly.
I don't really know what I do, I was meant to have been referred back to the CPN but I haven't been, (which is where i think my referral to the pain management clinic is also at), I feel like I'm just burdening people with my shit, and I can't explain it very well either.
Any ideas?
My life is chaotic at the best of times and terrifying at the worst, nothing ever stays the same and I don't really get much support from those actually close to me cos 9/10 they have their own shit to deal with, and it's very difficult to get constructive advice from people like that sometimes.
Right now, I've just moved into a new house in a new area with my best friend and my mother. Both of them have fairly serious physical health concerns, and other stuff that I feel is much bigger to deal with than me dealing with my past and my little neuroses and just random pains. Even considering all that's been going on for me with housing situation/benefits/health I've tried to remain strong and at least a little up beat. But now it's getting towards sorted I feel like a void has opened up again and that I'm full of emotions I can't explain. I don't feel like I have the time/energy/space/brain capacity/or the right to feel depressed right now. So I'm pushing it all down and I'm getting narked off by everything as a result and snapping at people all the time. I've never been this ill-tempered before!
I'm on a waiting list for therapy, but it's 3 months + and I'm already 2 months along that, but I'm worried that it's just not going to work (my experiences with NHS & mental health treatment have been poor to say the least). I've been seen by a student councillor just to tide me over but I really want to up the number of appointments I have to twice weekly.
I don't really know what I do, I was meant to have been referred back to the CPN but I haven't been, (which is where i think my referral to the pain management clinic is also at), I feel like I'm just burdening people with my shit, and I can't explain it very well either.
Any ideas?
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Comments
Maybe I'm just making mountains out of molehills and things aren't as bad as I'm making out...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4SgnlVV3Ko
It sounds like there is a lot going on for you at the moment and you said in the post before that you may be making a moutain out of a molehill, this is not the case and always feel that you can post on The Site and if you feel that you just want to get things of your chest there will always be someone here to listen.
You say that you've seen a student councillor but you wish see to them more often, could you speak to the college/uni service to see if this is possible?
As you've just recently moved into a new house and new area things can be seeming a little unsettled, as with any big change it can take a while to get used to.
It may be an idea to get in contact with your GP to chase up your outstanding referrals (for CPN and pain management) to get an idea of timescales for appointments.
I hope this has helped and things start to feel better for you soon, please keep posting and let us know how you're doing.
Take Care.
B:thumb:
I've got a lot of pressure being piled on me right now, mainly from those close to me, I'm seeing a councillor tomorrow so I'm going to talk to her about it.
I've realised I get virtually no time to myself, there always other people in my space (I've had to share my room with my best friend for the past week, cos her new room isn't sorted yet - but she's now gone for 2 weeks to sort out loose ends at her old place).
The pain is making me really grumpy, and I don't feel like I'm getting any proper relief.
And I'm going to stop now cos I feel like I'm just moaning and taking up precious web space people with bigger issues than mine could be using.
Today I'm going to attempt to talk to some of my uni friends about stuff I've been going through. I'm not going to tell them everything and I know I am going to hold stuff back but that's okay because that's all I feel comfortable with. Maybe you could test the waters by doing that?
I'm pretty ignorent about mental health services but I know how frustrating the waiting list is to see a therapist. You've already recognised that the 1x a week session with the counseller at uni isn't enough, maybe let them know? They might be restricted as to how many sessions they can actually offer but they have a duty to point you towards a service that may be helpful to you.
Please keep posting though because it's what this website is for. There's no such thing as taking up too much web space at all. Hugs from afar.
I'm going to call a couple of friends tonight and see if they have the time to talk. I really could do with some perspective on everything.
The counsellor that I see at college is a trainee counsellor and I've just been told she's taken on a lot more clients, but I'll still see if she has got sometime. Theres not much else I can do if she's not available because the college counsellor can't see me when I'm available, and locally theres no free services that aren't religious.
I called the doc and they have put in a call to the CPN, and I'm seeing my support worker next tuesday so maybe something might happen. But the doc didn't do anything about the pain management clinic, so I'm hoping that might now come through but I'm not holding my breath!
I'm feeling like I've put a lot of people off being friends (or more) with me because I feel like I'm come across as a bit fucked up...maybe I'm just thinking a but too much
Taking a different angle, are there any charities local to you that deal with issues related to your depression/therapy needs? They may be able to offer alternate support services, whether that's counselling or the opportunity for you to get involved in group therapy work etc. May not suit you, of course, but it's a route to explore.
There might be some groups (not therapy more support) that I can go to might I'm waiting to hear about them, but when I had my assessment with psychology they said that they wouldn't recommend group therapy right now because of my anxiety - which is really annoying because theres no waiting list for group therapy where as theres really long waiting list for individual therapy.
I'm going to try and go to the support groups especially considering that I can get picked up and brought back.
I'm trying to open up, but I just feel so bloody confused!! I can't actually put what I feel into words right now!
One of the exercises I did when we were doing group therapy for bereavement was a writing one. The facilitator just gave us lots of paper and a pen, and just told us to write. Put the pen to paper and write down whatever came to mind. Some people ended up writing poems, whereas mine was literally just a brain dump of words and memories related to my Dad. I don't know if that would help you - just putting your pen to paper and writing whatever, you sort of end up disconnecting from what is actually being written, and then when you read it back over it may help you articulate things?
And I personally think "I just feel so bloody confused" is a perfectly valid expression of what you're feeling.
I'm being left on my own for 2 weeks which is often a time I go downhill and it also means I need to get myself to college & back, which is bit of a big step for me and not one I feel very ready for! I feel so stupid because I used to travel around Europe on my own and now I'm struggling with going on 1 round trip bus journey. I feel so pathetic!
Talked to councillor and no can do with the second session a week and she's planning on seeing me for another 4 sessions
I think I've just realised I'm very lonely and quite a spiteful person (I looked back at some texts and they were uncalled for). No wonder people don't really want to be around me. I probably do push people away though...
Urgh just so much shit going on!!
How is your relationship with this doctor? Is he likely to listen and help?
My dr is very forgetful but great, he can handle my sense of humour (like me calling the DWP nazis and when I had a virus he said he thought it was worth treating and I said I bloody well hope so otherwise what the hell am I doing here).
I did something stupid today - I met up with my ex for coffee after not speaking to him for 3 months (we've been apart for 6). It was good to have a catch up and see that he's doing well but it made me miss him more - especially after he told me about his new girlfriend does all the things I wish I could do.
I've spoken to a couple of friends but I just want to sit at home and cry. It hurts so much