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the straw that broke the camels back?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi there, I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years (since i was 15 and he was 17), and pretty much the first 3 years he would lie continously about stupid things, and i mean really stupid things. stuff like how much he paid for something, or whatever. We had a talk, recently we've been having a few talks about it, and he promised me he would change etc, because I can't trust him - if he lies about small things he could lie about big things. He promised me he would change etc. So today i caught him out in another lie, again only smallish - i didn't think he should make a decision that i know he would regret, but he did it and lied about it to my face. then i caught him out, and he tried to lie his way out of it. All he had to do was tell me and i would have been fine, it's the lying i can't stand. i really feel at the end of my tether, like i can't be with him when he lies to me, but everytime i talk to him he gets snappy about it. i want to make it work, he lives with me and my parents and we have plans to get a house together in a few months, but will he stop lying or am i over reacting? just need someone to put things into perspective, thanks x

Comments

  • LauraOLauraO ********* Posts: 535 The answer to life, the universe, and everything
    Hey Amy.Lou1 and welcome to TheSite :wave:

    It sounds as though these little lies have been going on for a long time now, and although each one seems small when you add them all together it has become too much for you and you're ready to do something about it. Lots of people tell little lies, but the fact that it is your boyfriend lying to you, and that you have confronted him about this before but he hasn't changed must make it harder for you to understand.

    Firstly communication is one of the most important things to ensure a relationship runs smoothly. However it's more easily said than done and some people do find it more difficult than others to talk things through. It sounds like you have spoken to him about lying before but that this has not been successful. Perhaps you need to talk to him again, but not at the time that a lie has just been told and he is being defensive, but at another time where you can both sit down together and discuss it. It is important that he knows how you feel when he tells lies. He might also open up about why he feels the need to lie. It maybe something as simple as him not telling you how much he's spent because he's worried you'd think he was spending too much money, or it could be something deeper than that.

    If you find having a conversation with him about it difficult you could think about writing a letter to him to explain how you feel.
    Amy.Lou1 wrote: »
    All he had to do was tell me and i would have been fine, it's the lying i can't stand.

    I think this sentence is really important and is something you should say to him. It would be good to let him know that you'd rather he told the truth and together you can work whatever it is out. It sounds as though it's the act of lying that's upsetting you, not the actual lies themselves.

    If you haven't seen it before there is a whole section on TheSite about couples and relationships which is all really helpful. There is also this answer to a question from someone whose concerned about her husband lying and the gut feeling she always has which although is not identical to your situation might be worth a read.

    Hope this helps, and you work through this with your boyfriend,
    LauraO
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My ex-husband lied about dumb stuff. We were married, so it was a bit different, but here is how that problem got fixed in our relationship:

    My ex was VERY financially conscious. He would drive across town to save a few pennies on canned foods. When I caught him in yet another little lie, I finally had enough and told him that he was free to keep lying, because "from now on" I was going to charge him $20 per lie. At first, he thought I was joking, but I insisted on him paying me $20 right then. He refused. I said, "Fine, I'll charge something on the credit card." So he paid it.

    I caught him telling a lie once more just a couple weeks later, and I charged him $20 for it. He got mad but I stood my ground.

    I never caught him in another lie in the next four years that we were together.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh dear. You're getting annoyed at little lies, he probably does to make your life easier...

    Like today, my girlfriend asked me to go to the shop to get her something, she gave me £4, the item was £6 where i went. I paid the rest, and went home, she asked how much it cost, i said £4, for the pure and simple fact of, i didn't want her to pay me back, or her to feel bad that i spent money on her.
    Yes it's a lie, but still? >.<
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think not being able to trust what your partner says because they constantly lie, is quite a big deal tbh
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think not being able to trust what your partner says because they constantly lie, is quite a big deal tbh

    :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Maybe he's a compulsive liar?
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