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This is another one of those "I really need a diary" sort of posts. Prepare for a rant.

Stuff just isn't getting better I don't really know where to start.

My mental health is still rubbish. I'm on a waiting list for a random service for personality disorders, but they told me the wait is between 3 and 4 months. That is ages away. And I'm leaving this city in 5/6 months so won't be eligible. After getting told that therapy on the NHS wasn't really an option (waiting list 2+ years) I said I'd pay to go private (well my parents did) but nothing has happened with that. I see a psychiatrist once every so often but that's it. He said I'd have an appointment at the start of January because he was 'concerned' last time, but hey, I've not even got the letter though yet. I'm feeling more and more depressed on top of the other things, so I think I'm going to ask to try drugs again. Not sure what though, as my psychiatrist isn't keen and SSRIs have never really worked for me in the past.

Some things have improved, and so I feel I should mention them. I've tried really hard to improve my work-life balance. I was using my work time and my leisure time really badly. I wasn't using my leisure time to do much, so didn't feel energized to do any work, then cancelled plans to do fun stuff because of lack of work, and it just went round like that. I think I've sorted that out though, and the last 2 weeks, despite lots of tears, anger and frustration... I think I got it right.

I also am starting to get a bit more of a grip on my emotions, my reactions are a bit less extreme, and my boyfriend says that he is really proud of me for trying so hard. That's good because I'm not hurting him so much... But I don't *feel* any better, just better at keeping it inside I guess, because unfortunately my thought processes haven't changed much.

My ears are still quite bad . Had a perforated ear drum over Christmas, then another infection which I finished antibiotics for on Monday. I really want to feel physically well. I've given up asking the GP for anything, they don't seem to care that it's a chronic problem, and I see different ones each time anyway. Just go in, get antibiotics and leave. I know ear ache sounds really lame, but the pain drives me crazy. I've never used the out-of-hours doctors before, but I had to.... I was on as much ibuprofen and co-codamol as I could be, and yet the pain was still unbearable

I've renewed my gym membership, so its nice to go there, and I try to plan times. Been a bit hectic with an exam last week, and a presentation next week but hoping to sit down and plan a proper routine soon. I feel so negative about myself at the moment, I can't go clothes shopping

My boyfriend's depression has got worse, and I'm finding that quite difficult to cope with. I wish I could be stronger to support him better. I think I do a pretty shit job. He's going back to his doctor again next week, so I'm hoping that will help. It's hard when both of us feel down at the same time

And just for the record, uni stuff sucks. My brain would not let me sit through a 3-hour exam, so dreading the results. I worked so hard for it as well, like for about the first time ever, I felt that in then fortnight run-up to the exam, I worked as hard as I could. (Give or take about 10%). So really feel like my state of mind in the exam let me down Just trying to stay a little bit positive, and going to try and keep that level of work up, but it's hard when I just want to cry all the time.