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Depression and self harm are slowly tearing my life to pieces...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
My depression is tearing my life to pieces. I can't talk to anybody anymore. My CAMHS worker is the only person around me that understands. Sure, my boyfriend is supportive but he doesn't understand. He thinks I've stopped cutting. I thought I'd stopped, but will I ever be able to stop? I have no idea anymore.

My Dad barely knows me, he seems to think I'm fine. He knows I have depression but he doesn't know how low I'm feeling, or that I'm self harming again. How can I tell him? Simple thing: I can't. We're not close and I can't ruin everything again. I don't want to do this anymore, I'm tired of always being the failure of the family.

I miss my Mum so much, I need her back. What is a Christmas without my Mum? Not a very good one in my case. My step-mum doesn't understand, my sister barely talks to me, my Dad's replaced my Mum, my step-sister hates me and my half-sister is too young to even know what's going on. Mum died nearly 10 years ago, this is the 9th Christmas without her and yet I'm not over it. Everybody thinks I'm pathetic, maybe I am. I dunno anymore. I just want her back. Her and my Gran. They're the only 2 things I want for Christmas. Nothing else matters.

I can't do this anymore. I live in a world where I am always wrong. There is no such thing as happy at the moment. Sure, I smile. But it isn't a real smile, it's a smile to cover up the fact that inside I'm falling apart. Every time my boyfriend asks me how I am I say I'm fine. Why can't I be honest with the person I'm meant to love? I feel like he deserves so much better than me. And let's face it. He does.

Sorry for the rant, I just need someone that understands this and doesn't judge me.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Robyn,

    I am sorry that you are feeling so low at the moment. It must be a very difficult time for you around christmas as you say that you are really missing your mum and that must be really tough for you. It sounds like your boyfriend has been really understanding and wants to be there for you, which must be comforting.

    Have you tried talking to your Dad and telling him how you are feeling ? He might not realise how low you are feeling at the moment.

    If you feel you need to talk to someone you could also contact The samaritans on 08457909090 or support line on 01708 765200.

    I hope things start to feel better for you soon and please keep posting and let us know how you are getting on*hug*

    Tc,
    B:thumb:
  • LauraOLauraO ********* Posts: 535 The answer to life, the universe, and everything
    Hi Robyn,

    Welcome to TheSite, hope you have found it helpful so far. It's great that you came here to rant, and we definitely won't judge you.

    How are you feeling at the moment? As Becky001 said it must be hard at this time of year, as you remember your Mum, but hopefully you still managed to celebrate Christmas and had a nice day?

    Grieving for someone is not something that anyone can put a time limit on, and every though it has been 10 years that doesn't necessarily mean that you have had the chance to properly grieve for your Mum or that you don't miss her lots. You mentioned that the only person who understands you is your CAMHS worker. Its great that you see someone and have the opportunity to talk to them about how you are feeling. Do you talk to your CAMHS worker about your Mum? Just because you are feeling down and still missing your Mum does not mean you are a 'failure', 'ruining everything' or are 'pathetic' - you are trying to deal with your feelings and this may take longer than you might think, especially if you haven't had the chance to deal with your feelings before now, and that is normal so please don't be hard on yourself.

    As Becky001 suggested, have you had the opportunity to chat to your dad about your feelings? Do you feel this is something you would be willing to try?

    Your boyfriend is probably trying hard to understand too, but you don't feel as though you can tell him everything. Again, don't be hard on yourself and say he 'deserves better' than you, because he has chosen to be with you and cares about you. Do you feel that you want to tell him about self harming and about how you are feeling? If you are finding this difficult perhaps you could write it in a letter to him, or think about what you're going to say first? Often talking and sharing things like this with someone you love can help to make you feel better, but ultimately it's your decision about how much you want to let him in.

    Have you seen our section on TheSite.org about self harm? It's got some really interesting information in it and there are also a couple of articles which you may want to read to try and understand how your boyfriend might feel and what questions he might ask, called Supporting someone who self-harms and when a partner self-harms. There is also some [URL="http://thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/depression] articles about depressio[/URL]n which may help you to understand your feelings.

    It would be great to hear from you again, so please do keep posting :)
    Take care,

    LauraO
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