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Confused about my mental health (possibly triggering to some)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey guys,

Haven't posted a thread up for a while but would be grateful for some ideas on this. Sorry if it is a bit slap-dash, it's written as I thought of it, with a tiny bit of rearranging, as once I started typing it just came out.

So... recently, I think I am doing better generally mental health wise. For the last 5 years (roughly) I have struggled with SH, depression (I think; undiagnosed), suicidal thoughts etc.

Now, I feel generally happier. But, and it's a worrying but, when I am bad it's worse. I feel like I can no longer SH (should be a good thing right?) which was my way of coping, except I really wasn't ready to stop completely. I feel like I have no control about that though as I have now got a bf, and he sees every area of my body, and has no idea about my issues. I am petrified what he'd say if he saw fresh marks. It's damn hard but I have managed not to cut. I think this led me though, about a month ago, to swallow some pills and I was really hoping I would slip away during the night. I didn't (obviously). The thought of swallowing more pills has reappeared since and a few nights I have gone to sleep really wishing I wouldn't see the next day. That's not a good sign?

But the confusing thing is generally I don't feel so depressed. I feel OK. Not good, not bad, just OK. It doesn't make sense why I still have these strong feeling for not wanting to be here.

Any thoughts? (I feel like I am wasting your time though, sorry)


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're not wasting anyone's time, it's good for you to post and really important to evaluate your own health.

    This is my take on it, you seem to have learnt to cope with day to day life better and you're overall more happy. That said when the low day's come they're more of a sudden slap in the face compared to say feeling more down on a daily basis, if that makes sense???

    You've said yourself that you're mindful of your boyfriend seeing fresh scars so have managed to resist sh, so the downside is you've lost your coping mechanism and release.

    I feel like I've just reiterated your post hmmm :blush:

    My advice is to talk to someone about the pills and think about other ways to release your feelings. Do you think you could talk to your boyfriend?

    I stand by what I always say, the awful thing about our lives is that we never will know how another person really feels inside. We all have such a high bar of normality set that we feel it's not right to have low periods and negative thoughts, when actually most people do but when you start to act on the thoughts that's when it's time to reach out and get some help.

    Sorry I've not given any great solution just *hug*

    dp :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My advice would be to write down how you feel and when you feel it, just a little diary for a week or so. And then you should take it to a doctor or someone you trust. I stopped s/h so i can relate to the urges, but you have proven that your strong enough to resist them. If your feel low you need to talk to someone, it's the only way that you can get some professional advice and help.

    i wish you the best of luck *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    dollypop wrote: »
    I feel like I've just reiterated your post hmmm :blush:

    Well at least I know it wasn't confusing to understand, as I do have a tendency to confuse people whilst explaining stuff!
    dollypop wrote: »
    Do you think you could talk to your boyfriend?

    I'm not so sure. I'm finding being wit him quite confusing, and I'm doubting if we are suited for each other. It's early days, and whilst he is a wonderful person, I feel like he is smothering me. So I'm not sure what to tell him or what to do, but that is a completely different issue. So, basically lets say no. I can't tell him.

    And NeverEndingFail, thanks. I realise I should go to the doctors, I am just good at putting it off, and I worry about what shows up on records etc and how stuff will affect the future. At the moment if forms ask "do you suffer mental health issues" I can circle "no" but if I go to the doctors won't that change? I dunno. I went once at uni and I wouldn't say anyone cared there. Did you go to the doctors? What were they like?

    Thanks you two :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't necessarily want answers (but if you can think of something then I'll take advice!) and this follows on from the above post but also a previous one by me.

    I have been thinking, and I think the reason I am feeling worse again is due to me feeling like a lot of control I had in my life is "disappearing", and is definitely not helped by a I-must-see-you-very-often-each-evening-would-be-perfect bf. It feel like "arghhhhhhh". I need my space and my time to myself. I am very independent and hate people being constantly needy like he is. I also feel like the more I get to know him, the less we have in common. I feel we rushed into a relationship (again, his idea, I said yes without knowing him properly). I'm now having doubts. I can have so much fun in his company but feel like my heart is not in it at the moment.

    I know I really need to talk to him, but talking is not a strong point. Equally I feel that writing what I mean is not the wisest idea as I think I would get carried away and ramble on and on... I do that too...

    I hate relationships as I always seem to get into a mess.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I got diagnosed 4 years ago and i still circle no because only i am allowed to tell them if i do. Doctors can't share your information with anyone but you. So don't worry about how it will affect the future, not going is the only thing that will stop you from living a full life, I went to the doctor about 3 months ago and they took in everything i said and didn't judge me and i could answer the questions i wanted to and not the ones i didn't. They put me on a course on anti-depressants that i am still on now and ever since then my life has changed dramatically.

    I think you should go because there is only you stopping you, and we are here after if you need to talk about anything. *hug*
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