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How did my relationship go so badly wrong?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    As the old adage goes; you cannot expect someone to love you unless you love yourself first. As you said, this guy was insecure, and probably got into a relationship with you hoping that you would be the solution to his problems. Except that it wasn't and he started upping the ante, putting more pressure and expectations on you - and that isn't fair. As you said, it takes two people to make it work, and he was either unable or unwilling to recognise that.

    It doesn't make him a bad person, mind - lots of people do it without realising (myself included in past situations) but to try and sort your head/issues/life out in the context of a relationship rarely bodes well for the couple. He just sounds a bit lost and looking for what he needs in the wrong places.

    You sound like you've got your head on your shoulders, your independence and you know what you want. Keep striving for it, do loads of nice things for yourself and keep your chin up :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would have done what you describe you did. Nothing more nothing less.
    As you say a relationship is a two-way thing, You have to meet somewhere in the middle and compromise.

    Maybe he's not use to a girl beeing so independent, maybe he felt nervous and insecure around you. Maybe you need someone with the same level of indepenence to get it right?

    I don't know I just get the feeling you did what you could to make it work.
    Keep on searching!:thumb:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for the encouraging replies :)

    I just think it's such a shame that this has come between us, when otherwise, things were great and neither of us wanted it to end. But it's out of my control I guess, and that's the hard part.

    He's pretty much as independent as me in every other area of his life...but I suppose he may not be used to his girlfriend being the same...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    im going through the same thing at the moment and it seems as though my world has fell apart i loved my girlfriend to bits and know i made mistakes but she only wants to be friends so just like you i have to suck it up and move on i wish you luck in future and sure you will find some one who shares your values in a relationship
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Aww you too samhell. We both decided to end the relationship I was in, but it was still very difficult because neither of us actually wanted to :yeees:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nicole25 wrote: »
    Aww you too samhell. We both decided to end the relationship I was in, but it was still very difficult because neither of us actually wanted to :yeees:[/QUOTE

    i never wanted it to end maybe its why it hurts so much
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He may have been to insecure for you. But seems like the two of you have a different view of what it means to be affectionate. To be roughly at the same level in terms of the desire for physical contact etc. is very important.

    So, I'd say no, I don't think you've could done so much else. You've found out that the two of you differ more than you initially expected, so I'd try to cherish what I had and be glad to sort out differences at an early stage. (Yes, 4 months in is definitely enough for a breakup to really sting, but dealing with substantial differences much later can be even tougher.)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah I think it was definitely a 'good' time to end it rather than dragging it out any longer. I like a lot of physical affection, but i guess i just wasn't needy enough in other ways. It also seemed he thought my affection was 'empty', so I think that's where his insecurities came in. I don't think I ever could have done enough.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree that this simply came down to a lack of compatibility. You both had different ideas on what affection and attention should be about, and I would imagine that you are both products of your past emotional experiences as are we all. It could well be that neither of you were 'wrong' as such, you were just two people with different expectations. A bit like two people who have different colour scheme ideas for decorating a house, the difference being that emotional needs are much harder to compromise on.

    It's sad that it had to turn out this way when so many other things were good in the relationship, but I think it's courageous to face the fact that it wasn't working and to part on reasonable terms. He shouldn't have put the ball in your court in terms of making things right, he should have been prepared to accept that his way was not the only way. However, putting that aside, this could have ended a lot worse.

    I hope you won't dissect yourself too much in the process of rationalising this. Positive self analysis is good, as long as it leads to a better and stronger you.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks stu, I think you're right. Makes me wonder how anyone finds someone they are compatible with!

    I've thought about it enough now and have come to the conclusion that it was probably 50/50... me being quite blase, teamed with his insecurities. I like to be self aware but not to the point of over analysing.
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