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Arguing all the time....advice please
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi guys, I'm really confused right now. Basically, my boyfriend and I have been together for around 4 months and keep arguing over silly things. It seems to be because we are so similar and so we are clashing. We aren't arguing over anything major or even shouting, it's more squabbling.
It sounds so simple to resolve, but it's been really difficult and is making us both unhappy. When obviously a relationship should be making you happy!
I'd say we argue maybe a couple of times a week, but we are so right for eachother in many other ways and I think that's why neither of us is rushing to end things.
We have talked about it and have no problems communicating, I just wanted some advice from someone who's not involved.
It's a tough one because it's probably 50/50. The arguing doesn't outweigh how great it is the rest of the time. But how great it is doesn't compensate for the arguing.
It's really close to ending at the moment, and I'm just not sure what to do. But something needs to change.
(We are in our mid 20s)
It sounds so simple to resolve, but it's been really difficult and is making us both unhappy. When obviously a relationship should be making you happy!
I'd say we argue maybe a couple of times a week, but we are so right for eachother in many other ways and I think that's why neither of us is rushing to end things.
We have talked about it and have no problems communicating, I just wanted some advice from someone who's not involved.
It's a tough one because it's probably 50/50. The arguing doesn't outweigh how great it is the rest of the time. But how great it is doesn't compensate for the arguing.
It's really close to ending at the moment, and I'm just not sure what to do. But something needs to change.
(We are in our mid 20s)
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Comments
The only thing I can recommend is very simple: Stop arguing. If there is that makes someone mad, just acknowledge it. Learn to avoid things that make each other mad, and just don't argue. If someone is provoking the other should say, "I don't want an argument know. I will do the dirty dishes." or whatever is the cause. If the argument is about jealousy issues, well, then it's hard to help and keep this relationship healthy anyway.
Like I said, the arguments are about silly picky things. Jealousy is not an issue, neither is trust or anything serious like that. All of those things are fine, especially our morals and views for the future, as they are very similar. And of course we do like eachother a lot.
What sort of things do you row over? Were your parents arguers?
We both have strong personalities and opinions, and I think that's half of the problem. We may have a disagreement about something minor, but I always feel as though he is belittling me, rather than just accepting that we are two separate people who have different opinions. There's nothing wrong with that. So then that will cause the argument, as I don't like the way he is speaking to me...or it could be the other way round. That's just an example.
The underlying issue is that he doesn't think I show my true feelings towards him in my actions, and this is causing major problems. I have taken on board everything he has said, agreed with a lot of it and put in so much effort since we spoke about it. Things have been going really well, until a couple of days ago when he revealed he still feels I act as though I am not interested.
It's really frustrating for me because I've tried so hard to show him how I feel, and he just doesn't seem to appreciate it. It is also as if we see things completely differently, as he makes out I show no interest, when to me, I show a lot. I totally understand his point of view, I just don't know what I can do to change things.
Welcome to the boards! :wave:
You seem to have a good head on your shoulder by observing well what can cause rows, as well as the good things that make this relationship work. Yes it is early days, yet there is no reason why things can't get better if they are worked on. Our article on surviving rows could help manage some of these fights.
You say this;
This really shows you are trying. He asked you to show him you care through your actions, and you took this in. What is important to explain to him is that whatever you ask each other to change or improve, now and in the future - takes time. As long as you both take into account what you want from each other and give yourselves the time to achieve it, then it could develop into something great.
Communication is very important, yet if time is not given for these things to take effects then it can cause pressure and create more rows.
*hug*
I cannot tell you how much I have stressed that things will take time, but from his point of view, he wants to know for certain that things will improve, rather than spending more time on something that is 'doomed to fail'. Also, he feels those kind of things should happen naturally, so when I say it will take time, I think he thinks I'm using it as an excuse.
And you are right about the pressure too. I have told him I think there is a lot of pressure on us, me in particular, to make the relationship work and I do believe this is causing more rows.
I will put this to him again when we talk, but ultimately, if he says he doesn't have the time to invest then I'm not sure it's going to work.
The trick with arguments is not to let them fester. Vent, apologise and make up.
You start of this thread saying that the problem is arguing all the time, but I'm not so sure that's the case. Is it that the problem is he doesn't think you show enough affection towards him, and you feel that he belittles you, and that the arguments are a sympton of that?
If so, that's a different one to solves, that arguing over little things.
The affection issue is obviously something a lot deeper that may be causing frustration that leads to the arguments. Or maybe we'd argue anyway...I'm not sure :chin: