If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Should i?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi guys..im pretty new to this and didnt really see myself ever writing anything, but i'm at a bit of loss at the moment...
Im not to sure where i should begin...but i'll jump straight in. Basically..last summer i met this girl, and was immediately blown away. Since then we talk pretty much everyday,texting,facebook ( i know that doesnt really count as talking)...she lives like 2 hours from me so its a bit difficult to just pop round. We've met up a few times since however, and its been great...
However recently...im starting to get a little restless with the situation. I've never been one to really get absorbed by someone before, but honestly...i cant remember what i used to think about before her. Its the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing a night...plus pretty much all day. if you do the maths on that..you get a pretty unproductive day!
I dont know what kinda of advice im looking for here..but i guess what im asking is whether i should tell her? Lately its seeming like these feelings i have for her are kinda stopping me from just being normal with her. i think the two main probs are first and foremost whether she feels the same...im notoriously bad at reading signals...and massivley neurotic when it comes to judging stuff...so i really have no idea whether she might feel the same...ive got things very wrong in the past lol...i would hate to lose her as friend thats for sure. The second prob is obviously the distance thing...
I think i should probs stop now...its starting to sound like something like high school musical( minus the music)...but yer any help anyone could give would be great...there is plenty more to this lil saga...but i shall spare you all the melodrama of it all.
x
Im not to sure where i should begin...but i'll jump straight in. Basically..last summer i met this girl, and was immediately blown away. Since then we talk pretty much everyday,texting,facebook ( i know that doesnt really count as talking)...she lives like 2 hours from me so its a bit difficult to just pop round. We've met up a few times since however, and its been great...
However recently...im starting to get a little restless with the situation. I've never been one to really get absorbed by someone before, but honestly...i cant remember what i used to think about before her. Its the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing a night...plus pretty much all day. if you do the maths on that..you get a pretty unproductive day!
I dont know what kinda of advice im looking for here..but i guess what im asking is whether i should tell her? Lately its seeming like these feelings i have for her are kinda stopping me from just being normal with her. i think the two main probs are first and foremost whether she feels the same...im notoriously bad at reading signals...and massivley neurotic when it comes to judging stuff...so i really have no idea whether she might feel the same...ive got things very wrong in the past lol...i would hate to lose her as friend thats for sure. The second prob is obviously the distance thing...
I think i should probs stop now...its starting to sound like something like high school musical( minus the music)...but yer any help anyone could give would be great...there is plenty more to this lil saga...but i shall spare you all the melodrama of it all.
x
0
Comments
No one's judging you. We're here to help, if we can. Some people write up loads of stuff.
You are going to have to bite the bullet and just tell her how you feel. She may not feel the same way so be ready for her to say so. It won't be anything personal, I'm sure, so don't be disheartened if things don't work out how you would hope them to. But who knows? Maybe she is very anxious that you broach the subject.
Best of luck!
I agree. If you dont ask you'll never know. IME its the things you dont do that you end up regretting, so ask. Whatever she says at least you'll know rather than spending the rest of your life wondering what could have happened.
Do it before someone else does.
Had I told her how I was feeling, simply as part of the natural progression of our friendship after we met online, things could have been different. Even if she had still said no to me, it wouldn't have ended as horribly as it did.
The very fact that I was turned down shouldn't put me off in future. Nether does it mean the same would happen to you.
Im fact, I'm in a similar situation with a girl right now who approached me online and told me she thought I sounded amazing. We met up and had a great time. After that, she said that she needed a bit of space because she realised that she really liked me and it hit her that she perhaps wasn't totally ready to move on from her ex who she had split up with a couple of months before because he cheated. I guess there's perhaps a trust issue there and she doesn't want to jump into something so quick. I've never intentionally done anything to hurt anyone and would never cheat, but it's not personal and I understood that she needed some time.
We had since arranged to meet up again, yesterday in fact, but she had to cancel at the last minute due to a family emergency.
I'm not too sure where it leaves me but we hoping to meet up as soon as our schedules allow, at which point 'd like to talk to her about it, let her know I like her, and see how she feels about me.
It might not work out for me, but at least I'll know. If I get shot down and have to move on, I'll deal with it. At least that way my life isn't on hold. We can't put things on hold forever and we shouldn't take too much time over people if they don't feel the same. Equally, we can't spend forever trying to second-guess or work out what people are thinking.
So yeah, I would say go for it. Be gentle and open, let her know how you feel. Fingers crossed she's on the same wavelength.
thanks for your replies...if im honest i was kinda expecting/fearing the bite the bullet tactic. And in truth all my friends have told me to do the same already..
Paul, I was just wondering with regards to the first girl you mention...have you since fallen out with her/lost her as a friend?
I only ask as this is my biggest fear...i know youve got to weigh up would is better..the friendship or the possibility of something better. But i just couldnt imagine her not being part of my life. Like everyone mentions this word 'soulmates'...perhaps to flippantly...but i genuinely think she is...and if was to lose that..i duno where it be...
Like you say though Lexi...'do if before someone else does'....you wont believe how many times i thought about that happening..
hmm...i guess im gona have to muster some courage from somewhere and give it a shot....jeessus...
Turned out that perhaps I didn't know her as well as I thought I did, or even at all, and now I can clearly see that I was wrong to put so much time and thought into her because she was not worth it at all.
Although we lost touch, she did keep me on her list of Facebook contacts for some reason, and I've been able to see for myself how she's gone from guy to guy and generally messed things up. In fact, she's now pregnant to a guy who has since left the country!
Again, I didn't know her at all, so don't let the outcome of that particular scenarion influence things, especially if your girl is nothing like that.
It wouldn't have been right for me, I'd have ended it eventually had we got together. It would have been too messed up and being around someone like that just isn't my thing because I'm just a regular guy who'd like to be in a happy relationship with a partner I love. Seems so simple when I think of it that way...
I guess it's just a question of finding the right one. And if you think she is your soul mate, you should follow up on it. It's 50/50 in terms of risk, but you have to do it. Otherwise you'll spend forever thinking "what if", and that thought never goes away, whereas you would be able to move on eventually should she turn you down.
As a safe-guard, so to speak, maybe the best way to approach it would be to let her know how you feel but also emphasis the fact that you wouldn't want it to be all-or-nothing, and if in the end she wanted to be friends, that you would value that friendship and be a friend to her in return. What do you reckon?
Yeh what you're saying...i definitely need some sort of insurance strategy!
The likelihood is, however, im probably gona sit on these feelings for a good few months and someone else will come along...its funny even though im aware that will almost certainly happen..im still can't bring myself to say anything....i know that sounds ridiculously stupid but i've always had like low confidence.
i wish i could just play the whole 'treat them mean, keep them keen' card...and be able to be ok with how things are...be so much easier...
hmmm...
Have to break that cycle eventually. Now, even if I do get knocked back, at least I know I tried.
If you need to sit tight and wait in order to plan it - find the right words or whatever and make it count - then do that. But don't put it off out of fear.
I can't really comment on the "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen approach" as I can't honestly say I think enough of myself to be sure that they would remain "keen"!
I suppose there is a balancing act between coming on way too strong and freaking someone out, or being so cool about it that they assume you're not interested.
In this case, I think the right approach would come naturally to you because it aught to be influenced by what you want to say. If you're looking to say something nice and to share how you feel, then your instincts would tell you, for example, that it wouldn't be right to go in there all guns blazing.
When you're ready, best of luck!
To allow one person to take over your entire day and dictate how you think and behave is unhealthy. Before you can even contemplate having a healthy relationship with this girl you have to get yourself under control. If you come on that strong you may push her away. Do not under any circumstances make her aware of how much she influences you as being the center of someones entire existance is an extremely uncomfortable position to be in.
Before you can even hope to make a long distance relationship work, (I'm assuming you cannot drive? Or you just don't have the time to see her in person as you communicate via texting/facebook) you have to develop some clarity and calm. You have to be sure that this is something you definitely want and you aren't just being tempted by the old 'want-what-you-cant-have', otherwise people are going to get hurt.
Once you've decided that this is not just a temporary infatuation, then you should get up and go see her. If you ask her out via text or facebook then you should be stood up against a brick-wall and shot. Ask her if she would like to go to dinner or perhaps something along date lines that you American's get up to. Do not just ask her out first, sort of ease yourself into dating her with plenty of dates until it is simply assumed by both parties that you are together. Once you're feeling quite coupled up and you're reasonably certain she see's you in the same light, then just formalize it. You'll both know it is coming by then. Don't just ask her out THEN start going on dates. Give her a reason to like you first, don't force her into a big decision off the cuff.
pretty sure ive read the signs wrong as it happens...so no need for the firing squad...
It can often be a dilemma whether to risk losing a friendship for dating. You really seem into this girl, and something you said stood out;
Low confidence can be really hard to deal with, especially when asking someone out. It is really important to try and gradually build your confidence by staying positive and perhaps even taking chances - in time it will grow. Easily said then done off course, but worth a try.
Try to go with your instinct and do what feels right
Good luck *hug*