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Stuck in the middle
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Feel a bit sick this morning as I've got myself into a fix and I don't know how to sort it out!
Basically my housemate and my boyfriend don't get on - although she hasn't said anything about him, I get a distinct feeling she doesn't like him. She never speaks to him and if he says anything to her he gets a one sentence response, often without eye contact. He tried really hard to begin with and got very little back from her. He now doesn't bother speaking to her and it's quite uncomfortable when we're all in a room together.
He came down to stay for 4/5 days the other week, and after he left she asked me if this was going to be a regular occurrence. I said it wouldn't be for that long most of the time and I'd let her know in future.
Last night he told me he's been offered a part-time job near me (he lives in another town) and asked if he could stay at mine 1/2 nights a week to minimise petrol costs and see more of each other. My knee-jerk response was that yes, I'd LOVE him to stay with me, but that I'd have to run it past my housemate first as she's obviously got a problem with him being around. (It's probably important to say here that I own the house and she's my tenant)
He's now really disappointed and let down; he says he feels uncomfortable coming to visit me now and is shocked that I would have to ask her permission before having him over, especially given how she's behaved and given that she'll be moving out a month after this job starts.
I totally see his point now that I've had some time to think about it - it IS my house, she's behaved badly, and I want nothing more than to see him more. I apologised to him last night but he's still being standoffish and he's obviously hurt.
How can I fix this? I really don't want him to feel uncomfortable being at mine, I really don't want him to doubt how I feel about him, and I need to reclaim some ownership of my house - she kind of dominates how things are run and if she's in the living room I feel like I can't go in there at the same time.... I'm seeing him on Saturday night so I really want to be able to go up there and be able to tell him I've taken action to sort it out, but it's her birthday today and I don't want a row.
Any ideas?
Basically my housemate and my boyfriend don't get on - although she hasn't said anything about him, I get a distinct feeling she doesn't like him. She never speaks to him and if he says anything to her he gets a one sentence response, often without eye contact. He tried really hard to begin with and got very little back from her. He now doesn't bother speaking to her and it's quite uncomfortable when we're all in a room together.
He came down to stay for 4/5 days the other week, and after he left she asked me if this was going to be a regular occurrence. I said it wouldn't be for that long most of the time and I'd let her know in future.
Last night he told me he's been offered a part-time job near me (he lives in another town) and asked if he could stay at mine 1/2 nights a week to minimise petrol costs and see more of each other. My knee-jerk response was that yes, I'd LOVE him to stay with me, but that I'd have to run it past my housemate first as she's obviously got a problem with him being around. (It's probably important to say here that I own the house and she's my tenant)
He's now really disappointed and let down; he says he feels uncomfortable coming to visit me now and is shocked that I would have to ask her permission before having him over, especially given how she's behaved and given that she'll be moving out a month after this job starts.
I totally see his point now that I've had some time to think about it - it IS my house, she's behaved badly, and I want nothing more than to see him more. I apologised to him last night but he's still being standoffish and he's obviously hurt.
How can I fix this? I really don't want him to feel uncomfortable being at mine, I really don't want him to doubt how I feel about him, and I need to reclaim some ownership of my house - she kind of dominates how things are run and if she's in the living room I feel like I can't go in there at the same time.... I'm seeing him on Saturday night so I really want to be able to go up there and be able to tell him I've taken action to sort it out, but it's her birthday today and I don't want a row.
Any ideas?
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Comments
Have a chat with her about it in a day or two. But don't ask her permission. Tell her what's going to happen anlong the lines of 'Just to let you know Fred will be staying over a night or two a week regularly if he gets this job'. Make it a statement, not a question. You shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home.
As for those 2 not getting along, well you can't like everyone in the world. Talk to her about it maybe. As long as she's not unpleasant/rude etc it may be something you'll have to live with till she goes.
Have you spoken to her about your (and your boyfriend's) feelings about her not liking him? Is there, perhaps, a it of jealousy here on here part? Does she have a boyfriend? You're entitled to have a life even when sharing your home. Obviously, if the house gets turned upside down and there is a lot of noise etc, that is unfair on her - but at what stage does she feel 'inconvenienced'? I think you need to sit down and talk to her.
However I think that it highlights that its often quite hard on both sides when the owner of a house lives there with thier tennant as neither of you often know where you stand.
Teagan - she does have a boyfriend, soon to be fiance, but he has kids so is only able to come up from his city every other weekend. I don't think it's jealousy, although of course I won't be sure until I talk to her.
Rubber, yes, yes, and yes. It IS my house and one or two nights a week is hardly unreasonable. I think my instant reaction to things is to try and keep everyone as happy as possible, regardless of whether it's to my own detriment, and I need to start learning how to be ok with putting myself first. I just feel really bad about how hurt my boyfriend is over this; he said last night it's made him doubt how I feel about him and that's the last thing I want him to feel. Bleurgh :banghead: