If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Struggling With Experince :'(
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm really struggling big time with What my ex did, i found this what i wrote and just wanna cry 
Just a few weeks ago i was feeling a lot more positive,
Normally i feel so negative and suicidal but i thought enoughs enough i wanted to change a lot no more fasting no more over exercising and no more self harming untill
on the 18th of december 2010 i was assulted physically and sexually,
I Felt so sick and dirty at first i was so shocked i just blocked it out,
As soon as i got into my boyfriends car he locked the door and started laughing,
saying ive been naughty.. ive took drugs im high.. i felt mad because he lyed said he doesnt take drugs even though said was guna get me on them, he said he'll make me,
As soon as he locked the door and drove off i got scared kept saying were guna get you drunk,
Being a dickhead slapping me so hard few times, he kept saying to me in the car drink your
drink then, i said no dont want to, he sed wont ask you again i said you cant make me drink when i don't want to, So he dug his nails into my leg and wudnt let go me trying not to cry i shouted "stop it" its not funny he said not trying to be funny and did it again
Hes hurt me before but i thought it was a one off or him trying to be funny..
He said kiss me or i will beat you up!! He said he'll beat up million of times but never had he threatened to beat me up if finds out ive cut myself..he didnt understand.
Anyway he drove us to somewhere dead near factorys no1 knows its there aparently,
He said give me a kiss then, i said no i dont want to.. he stunk of Weed made me feel SICK!!!
so again he dug his nails into my leg i said stop it before i walk home in pitch black was 11:30pm
so he pretends to cry and said please dont leave me i said stop it then!!
Because i wouldnt kiss him he grabbed me by my scarf and forced me stinking of drugs made me wanna throw up but i had to do as said scared he would hurt me,
He kept saying were gonna have sex tonight i said oh no we are not, he said thats what you think.. thats when alarm bells rang in my head, i admitte i was shitting myself so scared he was going to rape me, wanted to text my friend emma so badly,
I should of known he would hurt me when we first got together i asked him if can take kissing slow as im scared and he sed of course but no he forced me by dragging me over to him by my scarf strangling me,
My Boyfriend said " kiss my neck" i didnt want to coz was so scared so he pushed ma face near his neck i said no im scared dont want to so he hurt me down below really bad i started bleeding so i bite his neck soooooo fukin hard coz he'd hurt me so bad down there i was close to tears eyes was watering like crazy!!! at that point i wanted to die, i hurt him i was so guna get it now... kept praying in my head please make him stop, make it end, i wanted to die
He then said that will teach you wont it for not doing as your told,
I just wanted to go home.. he asked me if i wanted a fight i said no and laughed if i didnt laugh i would of cried ..
he then bit my neck with his teeth soo hard and pulling wont let go all coz i wouldnt kiss him,
if you love someone you dont force them right? you dont hurt them? so why hurt me
He then bit my boob soooo hard and pulled it hurt so much he did it harder and harder till i pulled away so fast omg it KILLED
I Wanted to die..I got home every1 was in bed, i got upstairs got into my pjs looked at my neck got into bed texting close mates seeing if there awake - no1 was awake, i was so afraid shocked i cried and cried hiding under my duvet, wishing i would die, i kept crying and crying untill i cried myself to sleep...
Right now i pretend fine but im not okay and certainly not coping..
I'm hurting myself physically and mentally, im starving and over exersising all the things i didnt want to happen, i feel like a huge failure. its my fault i should of known he'll assult me just like his best mate did, now im back to sqaure one and wanting nothing more but to die
december 2010
Just a few weeks ago i was feeling a lot more positive,
Normally i feel so negative and suicidal but i thought enoughs enough i wanted to change a lot no more fasting no more over exercising and no more self harming untill
on the 18th of december 2010 i was assulted physically and sexually,
I Felt so sick and dirty at first i was so shocked i just blocked it out,
As soon as i got into my boyfriends car he locked the door and started laughing,
saying ive been naughty.. ive took drugs im high.. i felt mad because he lyed said he doesnt take drugs even though said was guna get me on them, he said he'll make me,
As soon as he locked the door and drove off i got scared kept saying were guna get you drunk,
Being a dickhead slapping me so hard few times, he kept saying to me in the car drink your
drink then, i said no dont want to, he sed wont ask you again i said you cant make me drink when i don't want to, So he dug his nails into my leg and wudnt let go me trying not to cry i shouted "stop it" its not funny he said not trying to be funny and did it again
Hes hurt me before but i thought it was a one off or him trying to be funny..
He said kiss me or i will beat you up!! He said he'll beat up million of times but never had he threatened to beat me up if finds out ive cut myself..he didnt understand.
Anyway he drove us to somewhere dead near factorys no1 knows its there aparently,
He said give me a kiss then, i said no i dont want to.. he stunk of Weed made me feel SICK!!!
so again he dug his nails into my leg i said stop it before i walk home in pitch black was 11:30pm
so he pretends to cry and said please dont leave me i said stop it then!!
Because i wouldnt kiss him he grabbed me by my scarf and forced me stinking of drugs made me wanna throw up but i had to do as said scared he would hurt me,
He kept saying were gonna have sex tonight i said oh no we are not, he said thats what you think.. thats when alarm bells rang in my head, i admitte i was shitting myself so scared he was going to rape me, wanted to text my friend emma so badly,
I should of known he would hurt me when we first got together i asked him if can take kissing slow as im scared and he sed of course but no he forced me by dragging me over to him by my scarf strangling me,
My Boyfriend said " kiss my neck" i didnt want to coz was so scared so he pushed ma face near his neck i said no im scared dont want to so he hurt me down below really bad i started bleeding so i bite his neck soooooo fukin hard coz he'd hurt me so bad down there i was close to tears eyes was watering like crazy!!! at that point i wanted to die, i hurt him i was so guna get it now... kept praying in my head please make him stop, make it end, i wanted to die
He then said that will teach you wont it for not doing as your told,
I just wanted to go home.. he asked me if i wanted a fight i said no and laughed if i didnt laugh i would of cried ..
he then bit my neck with his teeth soo hard and pulling wont let go all coz i wouldnt kiss him,
if you love someone you dont force them right? you dont hurt them? so why hurt me
He then bit my boob soooo hard and pulled it hurt so much he did it harder and harder till i pulled away so fast omg it KILLED
I Wanted to die..I got home every1 was in bed, i got upstairs got into my pjs looked at my neck got into bed texting close mates seeing if there awake - no1 was awake, i was so afraid shocked i cried and cried hiding under my duvet, wishing i would die, i kept crying and crying untill i cried myself to sleep...
Right now i pretend fine but im not okay and certainly not coping..
I'm hurting myself physically and mentally, im starving and over exersising all the things i didnt want to happen, i feel like a huge failure. its my fault i should of known he'll assult me just like his best mate did, now im back to sqaure one and wanting nothing more but to die
december 2010
0
Comments
Yikes i am hoping u are staying away from this person who has attacked you??
You need to report it, its not your fault at all!!!!
Please please talk to someone about this he needs to be stopped !!
Big hugs by keeping this to yourself u are destroying yourself. x
Sounds like we were both in a power struggle, where the other person thinks they have power over you..
Heres where it goes.. Im in pain becuase i have feelings for this girl, the girl who i like thinks she can use me.. the guy you were with thinks he could do this to you, you mentioned he's done this before.
Both of us need to show we are not going to be treat like this, and take the power back.
Dont stand for this.. If you need to vent keep writing hun. I would like it if you could check my post as well. Take care, and people are there for you. This board is amazing for venting.
Sounds like you went through hell that night. Any kind of assault especially sexual is a very serious offence - sometimes people think because it is the boyfriend that it isn't assault, but being forced to do something is unacceptable. You might find reading this askTheSite answer from someone who went through something similar useful.
You said that night you tried contacting people, have you been able to talk to your family or friends about this? There is no shame in reporting what happened, especially to the police. You could also contact victim support who help with victims of abuse such as what you went through. They also give advice on what to do next.
If you are too worried to tell someone you know, you could also call the helpline for abuse RASASC.
Keep being strong and try to speak to someone about this. Please feel free to keep posting here *hug*
I'm struggling, struggling bad, cancelled on my care worker twice,
she knows what happened but dno im struggling,
Im pushing everyone away and broke down this morning crying and crying
i dont know anymore just need to think x