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where on earth can we go from here??
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi, im desperately in need for some help right now because I cant sleep with thinking so much.
My boyfriend and I have been together almost 9 months now. I've came from a past of very short, 1month relationships and very low self esteem and shyness to admit to feelings etc, and I'm quite a passive person when it comes to things, I like to please everyone before myself. my boyfriend and I live 70 miles apart, but I visit most weekends and during the week when I can, but I am a college student and I work part-time.
Recently me and my boyfriend have been arguing. Not even about useful things, the last arguement [before this one] was about him not coming out with me to get my car fixed, because he wasnt feeling well, and me refusing to return back to his after i got it fixed because a journey 10miles to get the car fixed, then 10 miles back to just see him for a little longer is silly, especially when he may feel better after an hour of being out while i run this one errand. But this one has completely knocked me down.
My parents don't feel my boyfriend makes an effort with me, because of the distance, I am actually doing all the running around to go see him at the moment. They're obviously upset about this, me being their daughter, and when we've had our little arguements, i come home upset and I talk to them about it. Over time, they've formed this not hatred for him, but slightly bad opinion of him, because they see he makes no effort and that I come home upset. at the same time, they know I'm madly in love with him, and that he makes me extremely happy just by how I act when I get a phone call off him or anything tiny like that. So they know that their opinion is false because its based on what I tell them, but they cant change it because they never get the chance to meet him and talk to him. I completely understand my parents when they're like this, but sometimes they go a little bit too far and whilst I'm on the phone to him, they say snide comments which understandably hurts him, and makes him feel unwelcome. I found out tonight amidst our argument thats why he hasn't came over mine for the past 2 months, except the other weekend when my parents were away down south. I understand why he doesn't feel welcome, because I'm angry at my parents for the snide comments, but I explain to him its completely my fault, and I need to change it, because I want them to see him how they did in the first place; the bestest boyfriend I've had ever. because that's honestly what he is.
I explain to him that things need to change, that I need to stop telling my parents only the bad stuff, my parents know and are willing to stop being snide, because they want to know him, and like him, they're genuinely not wanting to scare him off, and I asked him if he'd be willing to come over to help me fix this. He point blank refused, constantly, saying they'll never change, they're only saying that to make me feel happy, its my fault that they have that opinion so how can he change it? until I actually said there was no way I could sit in this relationship anymore doing all the journeys to see him, because its killing me, I've got my college work and my work rota to dance around, as well as seeing him. Alternating weeks of being over each others, or even two weeks me over there, two weeks me over here [not like 2 block weeks, but you may get my general idea.] He eventually agrees, but admitting its only because he doesn't want to break up with me, but its his only choice. So I feel like the biggest cow in the world giving him such a horrible ultimatum, knowing/hoping he'd choose the option of trying to help sort this.
He then brings up that he feels completely unwanted, and that it doesn't help that I tell my parents all the nasty things, and that he feels my family just hates him and he'll never change that. I am not an extremely open person when it comes to how much I love him, purely because in past relationships I've never had a boyfriend who was like that with me, and although I say to him I love him, I know I'm not at all believable, and all the odds of him believing I do love him are against me. So I start to feel even worse, because how can I make him realise how I honestly truly feel? I don't know how to.
He goes offline leaving it quite short and a sore topic still, after us discussing the arguments we have tends to be because we're too stubborn, and I said we both need to back down. He then texts me saying thats its fine, he'll be passive on his own. I tell him no, we both need to change for this to work, we cant have one passive, and I hate the idea of him changing everything, treading on glass, just to keep me happy.
I then ask him if I can visit him tomorrow afternoon, because I'm aware that its such a sore topic that I can't leave it open without knowing what's going on. 'If you want to.' I ask him does he want me to, because I will understand if he doesn't, he might want a few days to himself not talking to me, I just want to know. 'The offer is there if you want to.' So I give in trying to ask what he wants, and say I will go over, because I do want to.
Overall the entire argument has left me in a state of confusion! All of this just because of one snide comment this afternoon from my parents whilst I was on the phone, and it turned into a nearly breaking up situation!
I love him to bits, and I know I need to try and show him that, but I don't know how! and What other options do I have where him and my parents are concerned? I can't keep doing the running around, I am tired constantly and I sometimes just want to stay at home and cuddle up in my bed, instead of his!
I'm planning on moving over closer to his in September, for my own reasons not just because of him.
Sorry for this long winded post, but any advice would be helpful
My boyfriend and I have been together almost 9 months now. I've came from a past of very short, 1month relationships and very low self esteem and shyness to admit to feelings etc, and I'm quite a passive person when it comes to things, I like to please everyone before myself. my boyfriend and I live 70 miles apart, but I visit most weekends and during the week when I can, but I am a college student and I work part-time.
Recently me and my boyfriend have been arguing. Not even about useful things, the last arguement [before this one] was about him not coming out with me to get my car fixed, because he wasnt feeling well, and me refusing to return back to his after i got it fixed because a journey 10miles to get the car fixed, then 10 miles back to just see him for a little longer is silly, especially when he may feel better after an hour of being out while i run this one errand. But this one has completely knocked me down.
My parents don't feel my boyfriend makes an effort with me, because of the distance, I am actually doing all the running around to go see him at the moment. They're obviously upset about this, me being their daughter, and when we've had our little arguements, i come home upset and I talk to them about it. Over time, they've formed this not hatred for him, but slightly bad opinion of him, because they see he makes no effort and that I come home upset. at the same time, they know I'm madly in love with him, and that he makes me extremely happy just by how I act when I get a phone call off him or anything tiny like that. So they know that their opinion is false because its based on what I tell them, but they cant change it because they never get the chance to meet him and talk to him. I completely understand my parents when they're like this, but sometimes they go a little bit too far and whilst I'm on the phone to him, they say snide comments which understandably hurts him, and makes him feel unwelcome. I found out tonight amidst our argument thats why he hasn't came over mine for the past 2 months, except the other weekend when my parents were away down south. I understand why he doesn't feel welcome, because I'm angry at my parents for the snide comments, but I explain to him its completely my fault, and I need to change it, because I want them to see him how they did in the first place; the bestest boyfriend I've had ever. because that's honestly what he is.
I explain to him that things need to change, that I need to stop telling my parents only the bad stuff, my parents know and are willing to stop being snide, because they want to know him, and like him, they're genuinely not wanting to scare him off, and I asked him if he'd be willing to come over to help me fix this. He point blank refused, constantly, saying they'll never change, they're only saying that to make me feel happy, its my fault that they have that opinion so how can he change it? until I actually said there was no way I could sit in this relationship anymore doing all the journeys to see him, because its killing me, I've got my college work and my work rota to dance around, as well as seeing him. Alternating weeks of being over each others, or even two weeks me over there, two weeks me over here [not like 2 block weeks, but you may get my general idea.] He eventually agrees, but admitting its only because he doesn't want to break up with me, but its his only choice. So I feel like the biggest cow in the world giving him such a horrible ultimatum, knowing/hoping he'd choose the option of trying to help sort this.
He then brings up that he feels completely unwanted, and that it doesn't help that I tell my parents all the nasty things, and that he feels my family just hates him and he'll never change that. I am not an extremely open person when it comes to how much I love him, purely because in past relationships I've never had a boyfriend who was like that with me, and although I say to him I love him, I know I'm not at all believable, and all the odds of him believing I do love him are against me. So I start to feel even worse, because how can I make him realise how I honestly truly feel? I don't know how to.
He goes offline leaving it quite short and a sore topic still, after us discussing the arguments we have tends to be because we're too stubborn, and I said we both need to back down. He then texts me saying thats its fine, he'll be passive on his own. I tell him no, we both need to change for this to work, we cant have one passive, and I hate the idea of him changing everything, treading on glass, just to keep me happy.
I then ask him if I can visit him tomorrow afternoon, because I'm aware that its such a sore topic that I can't leave it open without knowing what's going on. 'If you want to.' I ask him does he want me to, because I will understand if he doesn't, he might want a few days to himself not talking to me, I just want to know. 'The offer is there if you want to.' So I give in trying to ask what he wants, and say I will go over, because I do want to.
Overall the entire argument has left me in a state of confusion! All of this just because of one snide comment this afternoon from my parents whilst I was on the phone, and it turned into a nearly breaking up situation!
I love him to bits, and I know I need to try and show him that, but I don't know how! and What other options do I have where him and my parents are concerned? I can't keep doing the running around, I am tired constantly and I sometimes just want to stay at home and cuddle up in my bed, instead of his!
I'm planning on moving over closer to his in September, for my own reasons not just because of him.
Sorry for this long winded post, but any advice would be helpful
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Comments
awww. im sorry i can't be much help, but i just want to say, keep hope and im sure you two will get through this at some point.
Me and my boyf have been together just over a year, and we've had so many rough times kind of similar to this.
I also had the problem of not being able to show my love for him... but try not to let that bug you.. my boyf never wholey believed it when i said it, but one day it just sort of..came out the right way.
I think he needs to try understanding what your saying more though...
im not sure what to suggest there though, sorry xx
hope everything works out well xx
Speaking about this regularly with your boyfriend is very important, and you seem to do this well - this can help a lot to evaluate the situation from both sides, as well explaining underlying feelings.
Long-distance relationships are hard. To take the time and effort to meet regularly can take its toll. And in your case, these issues affect you and you understandably open up to your parents. In response to this however, your boyfriend is feeling unwelcome due to their comments.
Try your best to be honest with him - explain that some things he does upsets you, and that you don't always intentionally tell your family but that they see you upset. Similarly you could reassure him that what your parents might think is only temporary and they could very well change their minds.
If your parents have said they are willing to give him a chance and ask him to come over, then this could be a step in the right direction. If he wants to make this better (which it seems he does as he did not want to break up) then he needs to be willing as well. Make sure he understands how important him having a good relationship with them is for you.
Good luck *hug*
My mam asked how they can change the situation so he can come over more. I told them that he feels that from day one that my parents have made it clear that he is not good enough for me, because of the jokes that they see as harmless, but he doesn't appreciate them. Like jokes about his height, etc. I know myself it's light banter from them, but that's because they're my family, but I can't convince him that they mean no harm from it. My dad took offence to this, because he thinks no one should be offended by him, and my mam was upset that he feels unwelcome to come over when she has tried her best to her opinion to make him feel welcome. Truth is, he just isn't a family person, his family have always been distant where as mine is very close, and he doesn't see why my parents want to know him and why he should try now that he feels they've made such a strong opinion of him clear for a while. My arguments are now happening with my parents and not him, and both sides are saying they feel their getting the blame for everything. I'm sick of trying to keep them all happy cos to keep him happy I have to piss my parents off, to keep my parents happy I have to piss him off. At no point do I get the chance to think about how I feel cos I just want everyone to get along, but all I try comes back failing! Gad relationships! Lol.