Suicidal Dad

Former Member · January 2011

Hmmm. Not sure whether this would be better off in 'work' or not - feel free to move it.

I posted a while ago about my dad being generally unwell - depressed and threatening suicide. Things haven't really changed since that was posted and, if anything they have become worse. I've tried encouraging my dad to talk to someone/get help from the doctors etc. but he keeps on refusing and, I can't force him to go unless he actually does something.

What I basically wanted your views on is whether I should let work know that this is something that's happening at home. I don't want a big fuss made, and I don't want everyone to know - just my manager so that if anything happens and I need to leave/be with dad she will understand.

Now, I feel ridiculously self conscious about this. I find it hard to talk about mental health problems and I don't wan't my manager to think I am just attention seeking or worse for her not to believe me. Because, if I'm honest, some days my dad seems 'fine' and I start to think I've made it up, and on others he will just talk to me about how he wants to kill himself and I get really scared.

I do feel it is affecting me at work - I worry about dad when I'm not there and have become a lot quiter/more distracted and I know people (including my manager) have noticed and have told me that they are more than willing to listen to any problems I may have.

BUT, is it a home issue that I'm stupidly bringing in to work and my manager doesn't need to know about, or do I talk to her and let her know what's going on. If I do - how do I go about it e.g. formally/informally?

Just to complicate matters further - Mum is leaving for 6 months to work in Holland and it will just be me and dad....

I'm sorry this is waffly, but I would really appreciate any input.

Former Member · January 2011

Hmmm tough one. I understand why you don't want to tell your manager, as it is a home issue. But, if she has noticed something is bothering you, it may be worth telling her, even if you don't go into much detail. i.e. maybe just say something like "my dad is having a few health problems". That way she is informed without too much being said, unless you feel comfortable with telling her more- especially as your mum is going away for a bit- that's likely to be tough on your dad. If he needs you more I reckon it'll be in those six months.

As for formal/informal it depends on how close you are to your manager and what kind of chats you normally have.

Former Member · January 2011

You will know yourself how trustworthy your manager is, but if your problems have been noticed you need to at least give a partial explanation. If you don't, there's a danger they will simply think it is you. I'd be tempted to tell then a partial story and see how they react, but you will need to let them know in case you have to go home in a hurry.

Former Member · January 2011

Thanks, both. I do trust my manager to not make a big deal of it if I tell her that that's what I want. I also think that the fact she has been asking if I'm ok so much might make it easier to bring her more up to date. A few months ago I told her my dad wasn't doing too well, so in that sense the groundwork has been laid.

It's daft, but in my head I'm worried because it is a mental health problem and because my dad hasn't been to the doctors etc. it's almost like it doesn't exist medically. This makes absolutely no sense even as I'm typing it.

LauraO · January 2011

Hi Betsy,
Sorry to hear about your Dad and how this is affecting you at work *hug*

Supporting someone with mental health problems can be really hard and can definitely have an impact on your day-to-day life including work and your performance at work.

It's completely up to you whether you decide to tell your Manager about your situation at home and how much you disclose. However you do mention that you trust your manager and that she has already noticed a change in your behavior. If you do decide to tell your Manager then she can be more supportive and understanding if you need to take time off, or are simply not having a great day.

As purplehaze says, deciding how to approach your manager will depend on how you normally feel comfortable communicating with her. Do you feel confident talking about it face-to-face? If not, have you thought about writing a letter or email to explain the situation?

Mental health problems affect different people in different ways and the fact that he has not been to the doctors yet does not mean it doesn't exist, if anything this is probably making it harder for you. Noone can judge what impact something like this can have on you, it's very personal, so this should not put you off approaching your manager.

You mentioned that you have encouraged your Dad to see his GP or seek other forms of support which is great, but you're right - you can't force him to speak to someone until he is ready. Until then you can still offer him support but it's really important to look after yourself too. Have you thought about talking to someone you trust such as a close friend?

One last thing

.... have you seen this article about Parents with mental health problems - it might be helpful.

Hope it goes well if you do decide to speak to your manager and let us know how you get on,
LauraO

Former Member · January 2011

Thanks, LauraO,

I'm speaking to my manager on Monday when we are both in again. So, hopefully, I'll feel less stressed after I've let her know what's going on at home.

LauraO · January 2011

Hey Betsy,
Just wanted to pop in again and see how the meeting with your manager went?
Hope she was understanding and that things are now looking up at work *hug*

Former Member · January 2011

Unfortunately she's been off this week and is on leave next so it will be a couple of weeks before I get chance to talk to her. I talked to my assistant manager in the meantime and she was very reassuring and said that she was always available for a chat if I needed.

Still want to talk to my manager just so I can make her aware that it's not what I'm generally like, and that it isn't a work issue, but I definitely feel better about having the chat with my manager when we are both in again.

Former Member · January 2011

Sorry to drag this thread up again. This might be a stupid question, but it has only just occurred to me and has made me slightly panicky. The organisation I work for are currently making several redundancies, pay cuts etc. HR are saying that those who are willing should take reduction in working hours or consider flexible working.

If I were to talk to my boss about my dad would she think that I should be one of those who should take a reduction in hours, because that's not something I want to do at all. I just want to know that if there's an emergency at home I can go and be with dad. The email specifically encourages line managers to talk to those who they feel should be doing this.

I feel I haven't been performing to the standard that I should recently, partly through worrying about dad, but I don't want this to come across as an excuse at all when I talk to my manager.

Maybe I'm worrying unnecessarily, but I don't want to give my boss any excuse to point the finger at me as a candidate for redundancy.

Sorry about the stressing!

Former Member · January 2011

It's understandable to worry, maybe you could contact the citizens advice bureau they may be able to talk over your circumstances or put you in contact with an agency to advise you on employment law?

I hope you can get some clarity,

dp

Suicidal Dad

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