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Resurfacing feelings/General whinge
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
About a year ago I posted on here about feelings I held for some time towards a girl i met through work.
I stopped letting it get to me and we remained friends (albeit not particularly close ones) throughout the year. She texted me the other week to say she will be leaving my workplace soon and that we should go for a few drinks before she leaves.
So we did, and now I am almost back where i was a year ago, except she seems even more attractive and even lovelier than she did before. By talking to her more I feel we have similiar opinions on almost everything and I just love spending time with her.....she had a good time and we are going to remain friends when she leaves, but i know she doesn't and will never see me "that way" no matter how much I think it could work, even if she is well out my league!
I'm sure not seeing her every day will help and that all I need is to move on, but it always feel like every attempt I make ends in disaster. I have kind of learned to be on my own this last couple of years but also wondering if there is something fundamentally wrong with me....
Maybe I am just one of those guys girls love to be friends with but would never dream of fancying. I'm no oil painting but i know plenty of men uglier and meaner than me who have no problem getting attention!
Vent over
I stopped letting it get to me and we remained friends (albeit not particularly close ones) throughout the year. She texted me the other week to say she will be leaving my workplace soon and that we should go for a few drinks before she leaves.
So we did, and now I am almost back where i was a year ago, except she seems even more attractive and even lovelier than she did before. By talking to her more I feel we have similiar opinions on almost everything and I just love spending time with her.....she had a good time and we are going to remain friends when she leaves, but i know she doesn't and will never see me "that way" no matter how much I think it could work, even if she is well out my league!
I'm sure not seeing her every day will help and that all I need is to move on, but it always feel like every attempt I make ends in disaster. I have kind of learned to be on my own this last couple of years but also wondering if there is something fundamentally wrong with me....
Maybe I am just one of those guys girls love to be friends with but would never dream of fancying. I'm no oil painting but i know plenty of men uglier and meaner than me who have no problem getting attention!
Vent over
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Comments
We've texted nearly every day since she left work on wednesday and have plans to see each other from time to time. All fine.
I'm basically driving myself mad wondering if i should make some attempt to turn this into more than a friendship. The dilemma is that I really don't think she sees me like that (she didn't the last time it came up which was more than 18 months ago but I feel we are closer now than then) but I almost feel like I have to try or i'd never forgive myself.
At the same time i am thinking why ruin a good friendship on a less than 10% chance this might go further?!
I'm sorry to hear that you feel as if you may never have any success with girls. You certainly shouldn't feel as if there's something wrong with you.
As far as your friend is concerned, it's always difficult working out whether or not to say anything. How did she react when you mentioned it a year ago? I know you said she could never feel that way about you, but I guess I'm wondering if/how it affected your friendship. How it affected your friendship last time might be a factor you want to use when considering whether or not to tell her this time.
I also think it's really worth thinking about the role that communication should play in a relationship, and it's worth remembering that friendships are themselves relationships. You may decide that you can't have a healthy friendship without telling her, or you may feel that what you don't want to jeopardise what you do have.
Sorry that I can't be more black or white, to just respond saying you definitely should or shouldn't say something. But I do hope that I've been able to give you some food for thought.
Do please keep using us as a sounding board and let us know what your feeling/thinking.
Will.
The last time it came up was actually valentines last year when i sent her flowers and she was quite honest with me and said she didn't see us as more than friends. At that point i had only known her for 3 months so we weren't that close yet. Whilst it was a bit of a kick in the teeth and it was a little bit weird for a couple of weeks things soon got back to normal and the friendship "resumed" as it were.
As for what it would do to the friendship now. I really don't know. We are much better friends than we were then, but we are very different. She has loads of friends, I have very few. As bad as it sounds she could afford to lose me more than i could afford to lose her. I am just one of her many friends! I don't think she would "abandon me" if I said something but I don't want her to think that for the last 18 months all i've been thinking is "eventually I will get into her pants" because it just isn't like that. Up until 2 weeks ago I thought I was "over her" and this has just come from nowhere...whether we are friends or anything else I care for her very much.
Can i handle being friends with her? On the basis of how I felt last year and right now I don't think so. I remember being at her birthday get together and I basically couldn't enjoy myself because she looked stunning and I just wanted her and it's all I could think of.....i can feel a repeat coming on in a couple of weeks time.
Catch 22. Tell her, big chance I ruin a good friendship. Don't tell her, go temporarily insane.....
I don't think I will get her but when she finds someone else (and she will) I almost couldn't bear it if she was totally unaware of how I feel abou her before she went into something.
Perhaps I am just lonely, incapable of meetign new people and having feelings for my best female friend out of "convenience".
Very confused....
I'm intrigued as to what makes you think you might have feelings for her out of "convenience", as you put it. From you've said Neddy, it certainly doesn't sound like this is something that you're particularly finding to be convenient. More, as you put it, complicated and confusing.
If you are feeling lonely, have you thought about how you might meet new people? Is it something that you've tried and found difficult or unsuccessful for a particular reason? Perhaps you might find it useful to think about how you could meet new people, if that's something you feel would help.
Certainly, I believe that no-one is incapable of meeting new people or of finding that special someone; some people just find it easier than others. So, I know it's not easy, but don't get too disheartened, and don't give up trying: that's the one sure fire way of being incapable.
I hope that all helps in some way!
Will.
Thanks for your replies
What i meant by the "convenience" thing is that sometimes, when you don't have many people in your life, isn't it easy to give a friendship extra meaning when it in fact has none?
I'm sure she sees me as just one of her many friends. Maybe I see her as more because i have far fewer people to focus my attention on? or am I now talking myself out of a feeling I most definitely do have!
I've always found meeting new people difficult. I've met plenty of people on nights out (friends of friends) but it goes the usual way, we become facebook friends but then i don't get invited out again for the next 6 months and I am completely forgotten.
I've also not been as social as I would like in 2010 as I've had some pretty serious family issues. It's certainly something I would like to put right, I'm not some kind of hermit....but I could do better.
I've also had people who I considered good friends basically abandon me for no reason, and it makes you question yourself and think you are meant to be by yourself...
Feel like my life has far more questions than answers at the moment!