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friends maybe more?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
hello, iam new and have got a bit of a problem but i dont really know how to deal with. I'm 22 (guy) and my friend is 20 (girl) and we've been friends at university for about a year now. we were just casual acquaintences for ages then about 6 months ago we were both dealing with some problems around the same time and just ended up growing closer because of it. we became really close friends and spent a lot of time together, i got a bit of a crush on her but the feeling wasnt mutual so obviously i was a bit gutted but she was still my good friend. anyway things went wierd for a bit between us after this and we didnt hang out so much for a while.
The time apart i kind of got over her a bit, she got a boyfriend. i was fine with this, not ecstatic as you might guess but it was ok.
Anyway they didnt last that long, maybe just over a month then they split up.
The past probably, month or so me and her seem to have gotten quite close again but we still only see each other about once a week if that (before we used to hang out nearly every day, or we'd at least talk).
But when we hang out now shes always very cuddley with me, like she'll just sit there and hold my hand or put her legs on me or something and she'll always give me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek when either of us arrives or leaves.
We often both stay at the same friends house after nights out and the past few weeks when we've gotten home we've ended up spooning or just really cuddled up in bed, but nothing more has happened. basically my crush has come back but i know she doesnt see me in that way and im well and truely friend zoned.
But i dont really know what to do. i love the attention from her after nights out and stuff but secretly i want more and she doesnt. i dont want to ruin the friendship as she really is a close friend. But judging by how wierd things got after i admitted i liked her last time i dont really want to go down that route again.
she does seem different with me now however, as she was never this cuddley and wanting to hold hands and stuff before. a lot of how she is with me if it was a girlfriend doing it with another lad it would be a deal breaker as its definately beyond what normal friends are like in my opinion.
another thing is which kind of goes against me quite a lot is that ive slept with one of her old friends from home when she came up to visit one time (before i liked this girl in that way) and i used to have a bit of a thing with her ex-best mate who she now hates.
We were on a night out a couple of weeks ago in a club and i came close to getting with this girl who my friends ex boyfriend went out with just after her so obviously shes not keen on this girl, and someone told her what was happening, so she went mental at me basically and got upset/angry saying she couldnt beleieve id consider getting with that girl. which i just calmed her down and said i wasnt going to (and didnt).
Our friends think that she sees me as her 'backup', basically that she will never get with me but she just likes that im there and that she knows she could easily get with me if she wanted to.
ideally i wish i could just get the thought of us being together out my head and just go back to being friends how we used to be before i got a crush on her the first time but i know that probably isnt going to happen. i also dont really want to just blurt out that i like her again either and just make things awkward and potentially lose a good friend.
Sorry for writing so much i just had to get it off my chest. thanks if you read all this. x
The time apart i kind of got over her a bit, she got a boyfriend. i was fine with this, not ecstatic as you might guess but it was ok.
Anyway they didnt last that long, maybe just over a month then they split up.
The past probably, month or so me and her seem to have gotten quite close again but we still only see each other about once a week if that (before we used to hang out nearly every day, or we'd at least talk).
But when we hang out now shes always very cuddley with me, like she'll just sit there and hold my hand or put her legs on me or something and she'll always give me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek when either of us arrives or leaves.
We often both stay at the same friends house after nights out and the past few weeks when we've gotten home we've ended up spooning or just really cuddled up in bed, but nothing more has happened. basically my crush has come back but i know she doesnt see me in that way and im well and truely friend zoned.
But i dont really know what to do. i love the attention from her after nights out and stuff but secretly i want more and she doesnt. i dont want to ruin the friendship as she really is a close friend. But judging by how wierd things got after i admitted i liked her last time i dont really want to go down that route again.
she does seem different with me now however, as she was never this cuddley and wanting to hold hands and stuff before. a lot of how she is with me if it was a girlfriend doing it with another lad it would be a deal breaker as its definately beyond what normal friends are like in my opinion.
another thing is which kind of goes against me quite a lot is that ive slept with one of her old friends from home when she came up to visit one time (before i liked this girl in that way) and i used to have a bit of a thing with her ex-best mate who she now hates.
We were on a night out a couple of weeks ago in a club and i came close to getting with this girl who my friends ex boyfriend went out with just after her so obviously shes not keen on this girl, and someone told her what was happening, so she went mental at me basically and got upset/angry saying she couldnt beleieve id consider getting with that girl. which i just calmed her down and said i wasnt going to (and didnt).
Our friends think that she sees me as her 'backup', basically that she will never get with me but she just likes that im there and that she knows she could easily get with me if she wanted to.
ideally i wish i could just get the thought of us being together out my head and just go back to being friends how we used to be before i got a crush on her the first time but i know that probably isnt going to happen. i also dont really want to just blurt out that i like her again either and just make things awkward and potentially lose a good friend.
Sorry for writing so much i just had to get it off my chest. thanks if you read all this. x
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Comments
On the other hand she may be waiting for signs you actually like her in that way. If you're cuddling and spooning in bed on a regular basis already you could take the initiative and try *gradually* seeing how far she's prepared for that to go - just let your hands wander *slightly* further than would be appropriate for a friend and see if she responds likewise.
We talked about it last time i got a crush on her and she made it clear that we're just friends and that she doesnt see me in that way.
May try your suggestion, there is a fine line with appropriateness though so not sure how it will work out!
On the flip side to this if anyone has any advice on how to get over someone and just get it back in your head that you're just friends with someone, without cutting them out of your life for a long period of time i'd love to hear it
It's important to remember that relationships are always reliant on good communication, and this is something that's just as true for friendships as it is for romantic relationships. As you yourself say, the body language of your friend, particularly letting you spoon together, implies one things, whereas her words have suggested something entirely different, and it's understandable that you'd be confused by this.
Have you thought about asking her about the mixed signals she's sending? She does, at least, already know that you have had feelings for her, so perhaps the worst that can happen is that she discovers that you still do?
As krng quite rightly says, this doesn't have to be something you necessarily do verbally. Just as she is using her body language to communicate you could too. But you are right that you need to be careful to think about what you would be appropriate or inappropriate ways of using your body language to communicate that you still have feelings for her.
You may also find it useful to think about how you would feel and what you would do if she indicates that she still doesn't have reciprocal feelings for you. You might find it useful to look at the theSite.org's fact sheets on loving your best friend and unrequited love.
Unfortunately, as they both point out, getting over your feelings for someone else isn't something that happens overnight, but as you say you've already been through this once this is something that you know can happen.
If you want to continue to be friends, then you may want to consider whether it's worth talking to your friend about what has reawakened these feelings in you. Do you think it would be useful to tell her that being so physically intimate isn't something that's appropriate if you just wish to remain friends? You may discover that she doesn't realise the effect her physical intimacy is having upon you emotionally and that she needs to respect your physical boundaries just as you respect her emotional ones. If it's something you feel might help you to get over her without having to totally break contact and, importantly, stop you from finding yourself in the same situation another six months in the line, then it might be something worth trying.
Do let us know how things are getting on.
Will
You need to be strict and you need to be willing to sacrifice, if you want to take this elsewhere.