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Want to help partner deal with low self respect following abortion at 16?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Thought I'd turn again to you guys for advice. Last time I sort of knew what the answer was going to be but this time I really do not have a clue what to do.
My girlfriend of 6 months really broke down last night. As per the title of this thread she still every now and then gets really down over the fact that she had an abortion back when she was 16. She started saying how a "baby killer" like her wasn't good enough for me. Now I totally agree with her reasoning on why she did it in the first place. She had her whole life ahead of her and she wanted to go to Uni etc.
Her boyfriend of the time was supportive and helped her when she had made her descision, which I am so thankful for, especially when he was only 18 himself.
Her family is Irish and they have something of a dim view on abbortion, so other than her bf of the time she never really had ny one to turn to.
Anyway 7 years on she still gets down and it has affected her feelings of self worth and respect since then in a big way. It hurts me when she says that she doesn't deserve me, as it completely isn't true.She is an amazing person; funny, intelligent, open, honest, gorgeous she has everything I've ever wanted from a partner. Some guys from her previous relationships haven't helped at all wrt her lack of self respect over the years from what she's said. (If I got hold of some of them!!)
But I really need some advice on what to say to her to stop her thinking this way, boost her self respect and allow her to see herself the way I see her. Think its more than just a time and love issue, though I will give her that anyway, any ideas?
My girlfriend of 6 months really broke down last night. As per the title of this thread she still every now and then gets really down over the fact that she had an abortion back when she was 16. She started saying how a "baby killer" like her wasn't good enough for me. Now I totally agree with her reasoning on why she did it in the first place. She had her whole life ahead of her and she wanted to go to Uni etc.
Her boyfriend of the time was supportive and helped her when she had made her descision, which I am so thankful for, especially when he was only 18 himself.
Her family is Irish and they have something of a dim view on abbortion, so other than her bf of the time she never really had ny one to turn to.
Anyway 7 years on she still gets down and it has affected her feelings of self worth and respect since then in a big way. It hurts me when she says that she doesn't deserve me, as it completely isn't true.She is an amazing person; funny, intelligent, open, honest, gorgeous she has everything I've ever wanted from a partner. Some guys from her previous relationships haven't helped at all wrt her lack of self respect over the years from what she's said. (If I got hold of some of them!!)
But I really need some advice on what to say to her to stop her thinking this way, boost her self respect and allow her to see herself the way I see her. Think its more than just a time and love issue, though I will give her that anyway, any ideas?
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Comments
Did she ever have any kind of counselling? That's one that could be worth her looking into if she'd be interested. Especially if she's from an irish family, she's probably had a fair amount of background on that front that suggests what she's done makes her a bad person.
The other line I've tried recently on someone who's had the 'you're too good for me' line, is if you think I'm really that good, surely you can then respect my opinions of people and if I think you're ok then you must be ok enough for me. Not sure if you can quite follow that one, but hopefully you get the jist, other wise I'll try and explain again. Trying to get her to respect your opinions of people (including her) and use your opinion of her to help build her own self esteem.
I think sometimes words can fail and many people are quick to say things which they feel want to be heard. I do completely sense you're genuine in both your feelings towards her and the things you say, but it's possible she's had exes try to brush off what she's been through by just saying xyz because they find it difficult to talk about, have no first hand experience etc. So if that's happened it may be a slow process to break it. It may be that some quality time together is just the thing which will help build her self esteem, help her see that the future can be brighter than the past.
A lot of making progress will be trial and error I think, so be prepared for mixed reactions towards things you do and say which to you seem really helpful and constructive. Scary Monster I feel has made a good point...she recognises you as someone of worth in her life and if she can experience lots of situations where your judgments of people are valid I'm sure she will start to believe she deserves you.