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is this really horrible?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
this is partly a continuation from this thread http://vbulletin.thesite.org/showthread.php?t=142986 but it felt slightly different, so the new thread. it might be far too much to read so a rundown is i had a lot of cause for concern that my boyfriend was mentally ill, tried to support him but he was still in denial and to skip to the end.. i went over to ireland to stay with him and his family and it hit crisis mode where he was never going to accept help from me or his family or come to terms with people's worries about him.
since then he's sent me messages, like asking me to meet him whilst he was in england which i had to be pretty hard-hearted about and say no. then cry a lot after. i have been good so far and i know people will say that i shouldn't respond but i did to this one facebook message he sent me today. mostly because i wanted him to know that me ignoring and deleting him from facebook doesn't mean i hate him and that i'm hurting too.
his facebook message got to me because he said he misses me, is sad that i'm not around, he has a glimmer of hope for the future but wanted me to know that i'm the best girlfriend he's ever had. i responded that i miss him too, i dont hate him and tried to explain why we cant be together right now, that he needs to start letting his family support him but then (and i'm not sure if this is the horrible bit) i said:
am i just teasing his glimmer of hope? because i have hope too. but i see it as 4/6 months down the line he gets back in contact and tells me he is seeing a dr and on medication and understands his condition (whatever that might be). i know this is a dream situation but i miss him.
anyway he replied that he will keep me posted on what is happening and make arrangements to see a dr.
lastly i responded that i hope he listens to his family and takes this on board and that if we stand a chance this needs to be a conscientious effort by him to listen to his family and allow them to support him. also that, we should leave talking for a while. at least until he makes progress. to take care and if he chooses not to then i understand and wish him a great future.
is this blackmail? in my message to him i tried to explain i didn't mean it to come across that way. but that it's a fact. we have no hope unless he lets his family support him and sees a dr.
i'm really sorry if this seems boring and trivial compared to other people's problems and world news, i just don't really have anyone to talk about it with right now. just really confused and feeling like the bad guy. if he is mentally ill then surely it's unfair of me to do this. people said to me before that you have to be cruel to be kind. maybe im not doing that and im being selfish?
since then he's sent me messages, like asking me to meet him whilst he was in england which i had to be pretty hard-hearted about and say no. then cry a lot after. i have been good so far and i know people will say that i shouldn't respond but i did to this one facebook message he sent me today. mostly because i wanted him to know that me ignoring and deleting him from facebook doesn't mean i hate him and that i'm hurting too.
his facebook message got to me because he said he misses me, is sad that i'm not around, he has a glimmer of hope for the future but wanted me to know that i'm the best girlfriend he's ever had. i responded that i miss him too, i dont hate him and tried to explain why we cant be together right now, that he needs to start letting his family support him but then (and i'm not sure if this is the horrible bit) i said:
until you start listening to them and taking this on board we can't be together. this isn't blackmail, it's just a fact. things were getting too much and i couldnt do it. it's upto you in the end. just never think i hate you. it's hurting me too.
am i just teasing his glimmer of hope? because i have hope too. but i see it as 4/6 months down the line he gets back in contact and tells me he is seeing a dr and on medication and understands his condition (whatever that might be). i know this is a dream situation but i miss him.
anyway he replied that he will keep me posted on what is happening and make arrangements to see a dr.
lastly i responded that i hope he listens to his family and takes this on board and that if we stand a chance this needs to be a conscientious effort by him to listen to his family and allow them to support him. also that, we should leave talking for a while. at least until he makes progress. to take care and if he chooses not to then i understand and wish him a great future.
is this blackmail? in my message to him i tried to explain i didn't mean it to come across that way. but that it's a fact. we have no hope unless he lets his family support him and sees a dr.
i'm really sorry if this seems boring and trivial compared to other people's problems and world news, i just don't really have anyone to talk about it with right now. just really confused and feeling like the bad guy. if he is mentally ill then surely it's unfair of me to do this. people said to me before that you have to be cruel to be kind. maybe im not doing that and im being selfish?
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On another note, there's no point thinking "this seems trivial compared to other people's problems so maybe I shouldn't bring it up". It's a general rule of life that no matter how big your problem is, someone else has a bigger one. If people thought like that no one would mention any problems and they'd never be solved...
No, far from it - you've been completely honest with him and haven't been unrealistic or overly sentimental. Seriously well done for being so strong and be good to yourself.
Bear in mind you have to be prepared to deal with him getting treatment, and an attempted reconcilliation failing. If this happens youmustn't feel obliged to get back/stay with him because he got treatment.
I admire your strength and compassion.
I think this is important. Sometimes, you have to put your feelings and needs first.
It depends how you look at things:
My friend told me that I must learn to manage without him and that he (he'd been having personal issues too) is unable to help me. He's done this before and I understand why - he's right - I have to learn to manage without him.
You can't give him the help (whatever that may be) that he needs. You can be there for him; but you can't help him get better.
I think by telling him no (which I think was the right thing to do) you're also telling him that you don't feel that you can talk - not when he's like this. My friend did the same. When we did meet-up, I couldn't bear to be around him. What made it worse the first time, (amongst other things) was that I'd pretty much admitted that I was in denial and believed I was fine - him and everyone else around me was telling me different. He'd also told my dad and got a friend of his involved. And then he gave me a lecture about my behaviour. (I was very clingy and did stuff that I really shouldn't have done)
6 months later, we're ok now. It has taken a lot of work to get back to the way things were before. We talked properly for the first time 6 weeks after I started to become ill again (I had problems in 2006 / 2007, too) - it was horrible. He told me that he will only talk to me when I get help and explained various things about how it all works. (his wife is mentally ill and he's had to help her a lot through this)
what you said struck a chord i know lots of people have said it to me before but from the distance i am now from him, i can see this is where i was probably going wrong.
the thing that hurt the most after the break up and being told to delete him from my life is that i can't imagine my life without him. not in so much a mushy, gushy sense but he's been my bestfriend as well as my boyfriend. it's just been really hard. if he does decide to go the dr and things work out, like he gets put on medication and therapy or something. i still think distance would be best until some kind of breakthrough has actually happened like him realising things weren't right and all these people havent been against him and sticking to a therapy that would work for him. that is what would happen in an ideal world but im still not sure if he'd be ready to accept any of that. just see what happens i guess. thanks again though melian, gives me a bit of hope. it might not happen now but 6 months from now. who knows
Being in denial is normal. As well as being denial, I was very clingy and was constantly told that he can't talk to me when I'm like this. He told my dad that he was worried about me.
Giving him distance is a good idea, I think. You need to think about yourself too. He also needs to learn that you're not around all the time. Does he (and you) have anyone he can talk to about this?
I hope you two can sort things out. After my friend agreed that we talk again, (he said we were ok to talk, because I was getting help and I wasn't constantly texting him) it felt really strange talking to him again.
i guess i just dont want to appear a sap. but i'm going to do what most of the people on here have been kindly telling me to do for the past few months
in a dream world we would hook up 6 months later and everything would be under control, things would be less messy, he would understand his symptoms or condition more. but that's still a dream world.