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feels like my world is collapsing around me!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I don't really know where to start to be honest! I don't really expect anyone to read it or reply, I just need to write some stuff down and try to stop it swirling round in my head!
Basically me and the ex split up on the 31st, we had been together for 5 years and it came a little bit out of the blue, he was working away and when he come home he said that he didn't think the relationship was going anywhere but he swears there was no one else and I believe him. There is a girl that he is now interested in but it kind of helped me to deal with it if that makes sense (i found out by logging onto his facebook - stupid I know), saying that whenever I look on his profile and she has commented on his status or anything I still feel a pang of envy! Plus he is still texting me and talking to me on facebook (more as friends) so this confuses the hell out of me! He was asking if I was gonna be at an event he was at, almost like he wanted me to be there, so I was like wtf!
When it ended, I took it quite hard and didn't eat for a few days which has resulted in my dropping a dress size in just over a week! This has sparked off some unhealthy thoughts, when I was 16 I was annorexic and thought I had beaten it with the help of my ex, however now I am going for days without eating and just surviving on lucozade or when I do eat I feel really guilty and shameful. I often find myself thinking you don't need to eat and I am loving the compliments that I am getting now I have lost some weight. I still have a long way to go to be happy thou! I don't want to be ill again but I can't seem to force myself to eat and now there is no one to notice when I do or don't eat!
Plus to top it all off my mum was rushed into hospital on Sat morn with a blood clot on her lung and serious infection. She is seriously ill and I even had to dress her today coz she seems to be getting worse rather than better! They don't really tell me what is going on even thou I am her next of kin, so I am getting really worried, I can't stop thinking the worst and am worried that I am gonna lose her, my dad died when I was 11, so I really don't want to lose her to! As I am the only one who drives it is me that has to run back and forth the hospital everyday, and I don't begrudge my mum it but I am exhausted, plus when I get home I still need to work and look after my younger brother (he is 17 but has special needs which means he is more like 12). My other brother who is 20 is a lazy sod who does nothing but chritisise what I do, he text me a really abusive message earlier, say I was a fat useless C**T and a selfish bitch coz I hung up on him coz my mum fell and I thought she was more important, this then sparked off a massive row when I got home and I cried all the way to work!
Then yesterday I was told that due to my lack of balance it means that I now have to have 2 hearing aids instead of one and I felt self concious enough with just the one and I am gonna feel like everyone is gonna be staring at me and thinking what a freak! I don't want to wear them as I feel that I can lip read well enough but when I am in a crowd or someone talks to me with their back to me or behind me I cant hear them or do it, so I know that I do need them.
Finally all this stress and everything is making my asthma worse, even the nurse down the hospital said I was wheezing alot and need an asthma review, which means it is another thing I have to try and fit into my week.
Like I said I don't really know what to expect from posting this, just needed somewhere to vent and I understand if no one wants to reply!
AFA
Basically me and the ex split up on the 31st, we had been together for 5 years and it came a little bit out of the blue, he was working away and when he come home he said that he didn't think the relationship was going anywhere but he swears there was no one else and I believe him. There is a girl that he is now interested in but it kind of helped me to deal with it if that makes sense (i found out by logging onto his facebook - stupid I know), saying that whenever I look on his profile and she has commented on his status or anything I still feel a pang of envy! Plus he is still texting me and talking to me on facebook (more as friends) so this confuses the hell out of me! He was asking if I was gonna be at an event he was at, almost like he wanted me to be there, so I was like wtf!
When it ended, I took it quite hard and didn't eat for a few days which has resulted in my dropping a dress size in just over a week! This has sparked off some unhealthy thoughts, when I was 16 I was annorexic and thought I had beaten it with the help of my ex, however now I am going for days without eating and just surviving on lucozade or when I do eat I feel really guilty and shameful. I often find myself thinking you don't need to eat and I am loving the compliments that I am getting now I have lost some weight. I still have a long way to go to be happy thou! I don't want to be ill again but I can't seem to force myself to eat and now there is no one to notice when I do or don't eat!
Plus to top it all off my mum was rushed into hospital on Sat morn with a blood clot on her lung and serious infection. She is seriously ill and I even had to dress her today coz she seems to be getting worse rather than better! They don't really tell me what is going on even thou I am her next of kin, so I am getting really worried, I can't stop thinking the worst and am worried that I am gonna lose her, my dad died when I was 11, so I really don't want to lose her to! As I am the only one who drives it is me that has to run back and forth the hospital everyday, and I don't begrudge my mum it but I am exhausted, plus when I get home I still need to work and look after my younger brother (he is 17 but has special needs which means he is more like 12). My other brother who is 20 is a lazy sod who does nothing but chritisise what I do, he text me a really abusive message earlier, say I was a fat useless C**T and a selfish bitch coz I hung up on him coz my mum fell and I thought she was more important, this then sparked off a massive row when I got home and I cried all the way to work!
Then yesterday I was told that due to my lack of balance it means that I now have to have 2 hearing aids instead of one and I felt self concious enough with just the one and I am gonna feel like everyone is gonna be staring at me and thinking what a freak! I don't want to wear them as I feel that I can lip read well enough but when I am in a crowd or someone talks to me with their back to me or behind me I cant hear them or do it, so I know that I do need them.
Finally all this stress and everything is making my asthma worse, even the nurse down the hospital said I was wheezing alot and need an asthma review, which means it is another thing I have to try and fit into my week.
Like I said I don't really know what to expect from posting this, just needed somewhere to vent and I understand if no one wants to reply!
AFA
0
Comments
You shouldn't feel guilty for eating, I know it feels terrible after a long relationship ends but you still have to try your best to take care off your health. You shouldn't feel like a freak because you need an additional hearing aid, no one has the right to judge you and you should rise above anyone who is petty enough to do so and not give them the satisfaction of trying to put you down or make you feel any different.
Have you spoken to your brother about the strain on yourself because of everything happening with you/ your mum/ younger brother? Is there any other family member or friends that could provide you with the help and support you need?
I hope things pick up for you and your family soon x
totally agree what JamieRamus has said
hope things do get better *hug*