If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
4+ years and frustratingly different sex drives
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Been a while since i've posted here, but I promised I wouldn't vent on her anymore so i'm here.
Not really looking for any answers but here is the dilemma which a lot of people likely find themselves in.
I'm early-mid twenties, been in a relationship for 4 years with a beautiful girl. As time has passed her sex drive has continued to take a dive and i'm stuck for ideas.
This has been a fear of mine form the beginning and I know that no matter how much I love her I cannot be in a sexless relationship. I will end up drinking and despising her.
We moved in together in early in the year and I thought it would get better but it hasn't. The year began with me pestering her for sex and she said that made it difficult for her to enjoy it. So I finally managed to stop but it is worse than ever now.
Here's what really gets me. I don't understand how she can come home from work and not once become aroused by me or at least feel something of a need to engage even if she feels tired. I totally understand that people feel tired but I can tell she doesn't even feel the temptation or desire ANYWAY.
We can go whole nights where she might want to *snuggle* for a second but not feel anything of show any interest in my sexually.
I'm not an ugly man, I get a lot of compliments about my looks and I wonder why my own GF of 4 years doesn't feel the same way.
My self esteem is beginning to take a big hit and i'm finding myself attracted to other girls.
I find myself constantly changing my mind about if we should be together. Some weeks I can't imagine ever splitting, I love her so much and could not live without her. Then others like now I feel like I don't know if I can carry on doing this for the rest of my life.
My problem is I change my mind very quickly and easily so I can be incapable of making choices, sticking to something or deciding on how I feel about something(the relationship).
It has come to the point where i've literally said to her "What the fuck do I have to do to turn you on?"
It is literally draining me of my self esteem and i'm sensitive to the way I look.
It makes me think if she finds other men attractive, is there something i'm not doing right?
The most crazy thing is i'm the best sex she's had. She has 2-4 multiple orgasms from oral every time we have sex so there's no problem in that department.
What am I doing wrong? It is just fucking stupid.
If I don't rant here i'll end up making a horrible atmosphere at home and I do love her more than anything in the world.
Not really looking for any answers but here is the dilemma which a lot of people likely find themselves in.
I'm early-mid twenties, been in a relationship for 4 years with a beautiful girl. As time has passed her sex drive has continued to take a dive and i'm stuck for ideas.
This has been a fear of mine form the beginning and I know that no matter how much I love her I cannot be in a sexless relationship. I will end up drinking and despising her.
We moved in together in early in the year and I thought it would get better but it hasn't. The year began with me pestering her for sex and she said that made it difficult for her to enjoy it. So I finally managed to stop but it is worse than ever now.
Here's what really gets me. I don't understand how she can come home from work and not once become aroused by me or at least feel something of a need to engage even if she feels tired. I totally understand that people feel tired but I can tell she doesn't even feel the temptation or desire ANYWAY.
We can go whole nights where she might want to *snuggle* for a second but not feel anything of show any interest in my sexually.
I'm not an ugly man, I get a lot of compliments about my looks and I wonder why my own GF of 4 years doesn't feel the same way.
My self esteem is beginning to take a big hit and i'm finding myself attracted to other girls.
I find myself constantly changing my mind about if we should be together. Some weeks I can't imagine ever splitting, I love her so much and could not live without her. Then others like now I feel like I don't know if I can carry on doing this for the rest of my life.
My problem is I change my mind very quickly and easily so I can be incapable of making choices, sticking to something or deciding on how I feel about something(the relationship).
It has come to the point where i've literally said to her "What the fuck do I have to do to turn you on?"
It is literally draining me of my self esteem and i'm sensitive to the way I look.
It makes me think if she finds other men attractive, is there something i'm not doing right?
The most crazy thing is i'm the best sex she's had. She has 2-4 multiple orgasms from oral every time we have sex so there's no problem in that department.
What am I doing wrong? It is just fucking stupid.
If I don't rant here i'll end up making a horrible atmosphere at home and I do love her more than anything in the world.
0
Comments
Are you sure about that, how long does a session last for you then?
Maybe she isnt into wild marathon sessions?
We don't have "wild marathon sessions". Sex will sometimes hurt for her unless she is really turned on so we can't do it for long. I usually just have to try and come within the first 5-10 minutes. Which I understand why but still makes me feel crap and wish she would feel turned on enough.
She is very loving to me, thinks about me a lot. We argue a little but no more than most i'd say.
I think in simple terms she just doesn't get turned on by me. She tells me she does but she hshows no need or desire for sex. She is perfectly happy to not have sex. Usually we have it once per week when i'm trying to initiate it, but this time I havent initiated anything and she shows no desire to have sex whatsoever for near 2 weeks now.
it is like when she does it is a decision to do so, it is not as if she is tired and wants to have sex.
And when I say talk to her, I really mean 'communicate' with her. If you're worried that talking to her might either a) make her angry/upset etc or b) end up with her breaking it off with you, then honestly, it's going to happen anyway. And the longer you leave it, the worse the breakup might be.
It may be that you will feel driven in the future to another woman for your sexual (rather than emotional) needs ... and if your partner finds out only then that you've been harbouring resentment about your sex life, she will consider it a betrayal if you haven't spoken to her about it.
Tell her exactly how you are feeling. Gently get her to discuss why she isn't particularly sexually responsive. It may be that its as simple as the fact that she has a zero sex drive. If that's the case, it may be that you will have to seriously reconsider your life ahead with her.
Great advice...
Every relationship has its ups and downs, my own has hit a serious low twice in my four year relationship but we got through it, theres only so much of a flatline you can take.