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How to open up / feel something
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I was in a pretty amazing relationship for a few years, that ended last year. I say amazing, because the way it made me feel - you know how people say 'you're lucky if you find one love like that in a lifetime' - well this felt like it was that love for me.
But it ended, which was a long time coming really (things weren't really so great in the cold harsh light of day), and it took me some time to come to terms with that and I have now. I still think about her, and still have fond memories of the way she made me feel... "something worth dying for" I thought to myself earlier. Maybe that's melodramatic, but I hope a lot of people will sympathise with the sentiment!
So, with the emotional baggage of 'oh, the love of my life is gone from my life' dealt with at least in terms of not suffering all day every day and being able to enjoy normal life, the problem is moving forward. I'm seeing someone new, who is great. She's really frigging awesome. She's nuts about me too, maybe too much sometimes
(she almost treats me like her first love I guess, but that's not a completely bad thing) and I care about her a great deal.
The problem is my emotions seem to be completely ring fenced. Like I'm detached from them. I try to imagine what I would feel if she left me, if she cheated on me, if something terrible happened... and when I imagine I just don't feel anything. I know I wouldn't be pleased, but it would be more like 'hmm, ok, thats a shame, keep in touch'. This coming from a guy so sensitive that in the past I could seriously upset myself just with my imagination going wild.
This has been playing on my mind for a while and I've kinda refrained about posting, hoping it would sort itself out, but it hasn't really. When I had counselling she said I may have had commitment issues in part due to my dad dying and so generally either a) got incredibly attached and devoted to people so they couldn't leave or b) kept them at arms length so it wouldn't hurt if they did leave.
But it ended, which was a long time coming really (things weren't really so great in the cold harsh light of day), and it took me some time to come to terms with that and I have now. I still think about her, and still have fond memories of the way she made me feel... "something worth dying for" I thought to myself earlier. Maybe that's melodramatic, but I hope a lot of people will sympathise with the sentiment!
So, with the emotional baggage of 'oh, the love of my life is gone from my life' dealt with at least in terms of not suffering all day every day and being able to enjoy normal life, the problem is moving forward. I'm seeing someone new, who is great. She's really frigging awesome. She's nuts about me too, maybe too much sometimes
(she almost treats me like her first love I guess, but that's not a completely bad thing) and I care about her a great deal.The problem is my emotions seem to be completely ring fenced. Like I'm detached from them. I try to imagine what I would feel if she left me, if she cheated on me, if something terrible happened... and when I imagine I just don't feel anything. I know I wouldn't be pleased, but it would be more like 'hmm, ok, thats a shame, keep in touch'. This coming from a guy so sensitive that in the past I could seriously upset myself just with my imagination going wild
.This has been playing on my mind for a while and I've kinda refrained about posting, hoping it would sort itself out, but it hasn't really. When I had counselling she said I may have had commitment issues in part due to my dad dying and so generally either a) got incredibly attached and devoted to people so they couldn't leave or b) kept them at arms length so it wouldn't hurt if they did leave.
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Comments
I don't have a definite answer, but some opinions?
Maybe you have got past that 'obsessional' first love stage? this can only be a good thing! how long have you been going out w/this girl? deep feelings like love may take a while to develop
let me know what you think x
:yes:
My thoughts exactly. I wouldn't be in a hurry to extrapolate from your lukewarm feelings from this girl that you therefore must have emotional problems or commitment issues. Perhaps you're just not that into her?
I probably do need to think about my feelings for her a bit deeper, though I do know I'm extremely fond of her and love spending. I just don't feel like I feel heartbroken if she went.
If you are used to feeling things about people and then you get to a stage where do you don't feel much really - not numb, but just really muted, like they're someone elses feelings, it's weird and alien and unusual. Others might be right that this is just part of growing up, becoming emotionally mature etc.
See this as an advantage. You get the good stuff, but not the bad. It doesn't have to be a mental issue, you might have just matured a bit.
Like I said, I can empathize.
To paraphrase something Dwight K. Schrute hast said, "If you tried to hurt my feelings, you have succeeded, but luckily my feelings regenerate twice the speed of a normal man's."
I have no idea if this makes any sense, but I just thought about it, and it made me giggle, cuz Dwight is hilarious.
But I've come to the conclusion to be more easy-going about it, and less analytic. Maybe it's a sign of growing up not getting that feeling anymore, but I'd like to think I'd feel that again with the right person. Or maybe it's just the person. But perhaps look at it as, do you want to see her tomorrow? Do you want to answer when she calls? If it's yes, then just keep going like that! You never know, if something awful did happen, like she cheated on you or something, you may find it would hurt more than you think at the moment. But if you like spending time with her, I wouldn't over-analyse it