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arguing with my boyfriend
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Recently my boyfriend of 3 years and I have been having some difficulties. We have been arguing pretty much constantly and I feel uneasy around him in case he snaps. I’m not really the sort of person who enjoys confrontation or arguments and I find dealing with them really hard. A few nights ago he tried to force me into having sex. To cut a long story short I told him that I wasn’t in the mood, mainly because we had been arguing all day and it didn’t seem appropriate. He turned pretty nasty and became more forceful. When he realised that it wasn’t going to happen he started throwing stuff and screaming. Afterwards he kept saying that he was sorry and it wouldn’t happen again and that he loves me.
I was on chat last night, on here, and someone suggested speaking to a family member. I saw his sister today and told her want had been happening. She said that he was having a rough time and I needed to understand that he was stressed, just like he understood when I was stressed in the past, but she would talk to him, which she has done. My boyfriend came home after seeing his sister asking me why I had been spreading crap about him to his family and that I took events way out of proportion and am overreacting. He said every couple argue and that this is no different to what everyone else has to deal with and that I need to accept that I’m a failure and need to stop being so pathetic. I know it’s just words but it still hurts
I don’t know what to do, because my boyfriend is angry with me and I don’t know what he will do next. If I had done what he wanted in the first place I wouldn’t be in this position now. I feel completely alone and don’t know whether this is me being stupid or not. Sorry for the ramble, I’ve tried to explain things as clearly as possible but I’m a bit of a mess and don’t know what to think or do.
I was on chat last night, on here, and someone suggested speaking to a family member. I saw his sister today and told her want had been happening. She said that he was having a rough time and I needed to understand that he was stressed, just like he understood when I was stressed in the past, but she would talk to him, which she has done. My boyfriend came home after seeing his sister asking me why I had been spreading crap about him to his family and that I took events way out of proportion and am overreacting. He said every couple argue and that this is no different to what everyone else has to deal with and that I need to accept that I’m a failure and need to stop being so pathetic. I know it’s just words but it still hurts
I don’t know what to do, because my boyfriend is angry with me and I don’t know what he will do next. If I had done what he wanted in the first place I wouldn’t be in this position now. I feel completely alone and don’t know whether this is me being stupid or not. Sorry for the ramble, I’ve tried to explain things as clearly as possible but I’m a bit of a mess and don’t know what to think or do.
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Comments
Sure couples argue, but the way he behaved when you didn't want sex was reprehensible at best.
You do not force someone into having sex, you do not throw a tantrum if denied (maybe talk about it, but I can see you not being in the mood after arguments all the time). Calling your partner a failure is unacceptable. Neither for just getting a reaction out of you, and especially nor if he really thinks of that way.
He just shows characteristics that would immediately be an K.O. criteria for me for a relationship, and believe me, it won't get better after this. This is not just an rough patch, he showed you how his true self looks like and this true self will not vanish. Even if you "make up", it will come out in the future.
Dump him now, because you will regret it later if you don't.
I can. You are not being stressed out about this, and don't find it necessary to seek help because of your relationship.
Well, I can't see it getting better with time, since he has been so nasty. And yea, people do make mistakes, but this blows everything out of proportion. This is just over the top nasty and unacceptable. This is not how you treat another human being, let alone one you say you love.
It only takes one or two outbursts to show you what kind of person a human being is. Everyone can play nice, but when worse comes to worse you get a true and clear picture of a person.
Why do you believe that? Would you believe it if he told you you are a bird and can fly? He is putting you down and abusing you. Just because he tells you crap doesn't mean it's true, is it? I can picture you quite clearly as a insecure person with self-esteem problems who identifies herself with her boyfriend. We've get a lot of those on here.
If you "love" him, you are not ready yet. Just wait and endure some more weeks or month of this charmer. You'll leave him in the end, promise.
Because you have known your bf for so long, it may be difficult for you to see that he has you completely under his control, and he is slowly but surely chipping away at your self-confidence and ruining your life. In short, he is a bully. I can understand your being afraid of what he might do if you were to leave and, indeed, being afraid of being on your own. But you really shouldn't believe any crap about your being a failure or no one else wanting you. You aren't wrong to say you love him, but I think you are mistaken as to what love really is.
Real love is returned in kind. Real love is trust and mutual respect. Real love is support and encouragement. Real love is gentle. Real love is kind and understanding. Real love builds you up and makes you feel twice the person you may be underneath. Real love is empowering. Real love is fun!
How do you see this relationship heading in future? Can you see yourself marrying this man? Having his children? Everyone deserves real love at least once in their lifetime, and I don't see much real love in the description of your relationship. It will be hard for you, particularly if you don't have many friends to turn to for support, but I think you really need to be brave and leave now before your bf saps your confidence completely. He says he's sorry and he loves you. Don't believe a word of it!
even if this words he has no right calling you a failure or forcing you to have sex at any time
as others said and ill say i honestly think u need to leave this relationship as it isnt doing u any favors
hope ur k
Why not? You'd be out of an abusive relationship and away from someone who has violent tantrums when you don't want sex. I'd say taht was a pretty big difference from where you are now.
No break up is "easy" but then that isn't what you mean, is it?
Are you suggesting that his behaviour would actually get worse?
Not like this they don't. You are falling into the classic "abusive relationship" stereotype, defending his actions when there is nothing there to defend.
He's a bully.
He's told you? Oh well, it must be true. More like he doesn't think anyone else would put up with his behaviour.
You deserve better and the more you say the more that is clearer.
A boyfriend shouldn't make you feel worse about yourself, they should make you feel better about yourself. You should take note of what overthehill has posted. Spot on IMHO.
Please don’t think that I’m running away from everything but I don’t know what else to do, I can’t stay here.
Nobody thinks that. I am amazed that you found what you have to do so quickly after defending him and this relationship. Of course you need to get out, not everything is meant to be mend, but left behind.
Staying with your parents is a good idea to get your life back on track.
This isn't running away, this is taking decisive action. Running away from your problems would be burying your head in the sane and making excuses for his behaviour.
You need to do what is right for you, not for him. Talk to your parents about the situation, I'd be surprised if they didn't offer you complete support.
He hit me.
Thank you for your support, it means so much.
getting away from him is best thing you can do you cant be around him. you got any friends nearby who can help you?
The next few days/weeks are going to be tough for you. You are going to need the support of your own family and friends. But don't forget us. Between us, we've seen everything and we know what you are going through.
Well done and good luck :thumb:
Well, that's usually a dead give away that your relationship is going down the drain. He does not deserve you or anyone for that matter.
Go and find happiness, he probably won't, because nobody will put up with his antics for long.