If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
So confused.... (long)
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi everyone
I'm feeling quite fragile today and so I'm not sure if any of this is going to make sense, but I really need some support and input.
Mr B and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. He's 32, I'm 23. I ended it with him after a year because I didn't think he was right for me, but we ended up getting back together after about 6 weeks.
He's very much a loner, as in he has nobody he would call a real friend except me. He's a middle child of 5 (two older brothers, two younger sisters) and has always been the 'on my own' type. He spends a LOT of time on his computer, and rarely takes up offers to come out with me and my friends. We used to live together with his (then) one friend, but that friendship broke down between them when the two of us moved out into the house I've recently bought. He works with people he gets on with, but never sees outside of work - he got the job through me two years ago, and the people he works with are mostly my friends from uni. He's now paying me rent on a room in my house, as he doesn't earn enough to have invested in it with me. He tried to start up a photography business about a year and a half ago, but spent all his time building the website and none of it advertising his services, studying how a business should be run, or actually working, so it flopped and he now spends all of his earning photography time assisting another photographer (also a friend of mine) on her shoots.
I do love him, and there are great aspects to our relationship, but over the past year I've been finding it really difficult to see where our relationship is going. It just feels like he's so reliant on me that my life is becoming narrower; I went out with my friends for a weekend a few weeks ago and felt really guilty because I knew he was home alone and missing me. I've also stayed in Bristol since leaving uni predominantly to be with him. I'm starting to resent the fact that he doesn't seem to do anything without a lot of input from me - which may not be fair, but it's a feeling I'm noticing coming up for me.
I've tried pushing my feelings aside (to the extreme - see my 'marriage' thread from a few weeks ago) for so long, but it's starting to feel like I can't ignore them anymore, especially since I met a guy last week who I've 'clicked' with incredibly. It wouldn't go anywhere as he's made it clear he's too busy with work and sports etc for a relationship, but it reminded me of how things maybe should be, and there was a moment where we *almost* kissed, which really messed with my head. When I talked to him about Mr B, he summarised it by saying: "So he's a good guy, but you've been together three years, he's paying you rent, all his income is through streams that you've hooked him up with, and he has no friends?" Which sounds awfully harsh, but is kind of true, and is not very attractive.
All these things, to me, point to a need to end the relationship. However, I can't imagine doing that to him. He would have nobody to turn to, nowhere to go, he's happy with where he's living for the first time EVER (he loves the house because he's always lived in pretty divey places), and I feel like ending the relationship would break down so many aspects of his life that it would be really cruel to do so. Not necessarily crueler than staying with him when I'm feeling like this, but I don't know if I could cope with knowing how lost he would be.
I just don't know what to do.... Any advice would be so gratefully received; I don't know if I'm being a real bitch, or too weak, or not making sense at all.
I'm feeling quite fragile today and so I'm not sure if any of this is going to make sense, but I really need some support and input.
Mr B and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. He's 32, I'm 23. I ended it with him after a year because I didn't think he was right for me, but we ended up getting back together after about 6 weeks.
He's very much a loner, as in he has nobody he would call a real friend except me. He's a middle child of 5 (two older brothers, two younger sisters) and has always been the 'on my own' type. He spends a LOT of time on his computer, and rarely takes up offers to come out with me and my friends. We used to live together with his (then) one friend, but that friendship broke down between them when the two of us moved out into the house I've recently bought. He works with people he gets on with, but never sees outside of work - he got the job through me two years ago, and the people he works with are mostly my friends from uni. He's now paying me rent on a room in my house, as he doesn't earn enough to have invested in it with me. He tried to start up a photography business about a year and a half ago, but spent all his time building the website and none of it advertising his services, studying how a business should be run, or actually working, so it flopped and he now spends all of his earning photography time assisting another photographer (also a friend of mine) on her shoots.
I do love him, and there are great aspects to our relationship, but over the past year I've been finding it really difficult to see where our relationship is going. It just feels like he's so reliant on me that my life is becoming narrower; I went out with my friends for a weekend a few weeks ago and felt really guilty because I knew he was home alone and missing me. I've also stayed in Bristol since leaving uni predominantly to be with him. I'm starting to resent the fact that he doesn't seem to do anything without a lot of input from me - which may not be fair, but it's a feeling I'm noticing coming up for me.
I've tried pushing my feelings aside (to the extreme - see my 'marriage' thread from a few weeks ago) for so long, but it's starting to feel like I can't ignore them anymore, especially since I met a guy last week who I've 'clicked' with incredibly. It wouldn't go anywhere as he's made it clear he's too busy with work and sports etc for a relationship, but it reminded me of how things maybe should be, and there was a moment where we *almost* kissed, which really messed with my head. When I talked to him about Mr B, he summarised it by saying: "So he's a good guy, but you've been together three years, he's paying you rent, all his income is through streams that you've hooked him up with, and he has no friends?" Which sounds awfully harsh, but is kind of true, and is not very attractive.
All these things, to me, point to a need to end the relationship. However, I can't imagine doing that to him. He would have nobody to turn to, nowhere to go, he's happy with where he's living for the first time EVER (he loves the house because he's always lived in pretty divey places), and I feel like ending the relationship would break down so many aspects of his life that it would be really cruel to do so. Not necessarily crueler than staying with him when I'm feeling like this, but I don't know if I could cope with knowing how lost he would be.
I just don't know what to do.... Any advice would be so gratefully received; I don't know if I'm being a real bitch, or too weak, or not making sense at all.
0
Comments
None of us can tell you whether to end it, in the end its up to you, no one else
My personal feeling is that if your looking for something thats going to go somewhere then this really isn't the right relationship for you
skakitty; unfortunately at the moment I'm feeling like I don't want to find a solution together. I feel as though I should break up with him, as I really don't see things changing and I know I don't want that for my future.
I just absolutely hate the thought of ending it with him and him moving out of the first place he's been really happy in, and simultaneously dealing with the fallout from the breakdown of a long-term relationship without anyone to turn to for emotional support. It feels so callous to do that to him, and yet this makes me resent the situation even more as I feel trapped in the relationship.
The main thing you have to keep in mind is that you have to make decisions for yourself and put yourself first. You should not feel guilty for being true to yourself and how you feel and for not settling for someone who isn't enough for you.
He has obviously chosen to put himself in a position where he doesn't have much of a social life, but he is an adult and he can and will cope without you and it isn't your responsibility to look after him. Yes he will be upset and may find it difficult, but I am sure he would not want to be in a relationship with someone who is only with him because they feel a bit sorry for him and too guilty to leave him. I think you probably know that and know what you have to do. Doing it will be difficult and you will feel bad, but you have to think long term - he will build a life for himself and you will know that you did something that was honest and courageous and best for you and your future.
it's really easy for me to say this and it is slightly hypocritical for me to say this but: you arent responsible for him, you have no control over his feelings, you're only responsible for yourself and your actions. and i know just from reading this thread that if you do decide to break up with him, then you'd to it with the greatest sensitivity and care. breaking up with him doesn't make you a bad person even though you may feel like it for a while. you're going to need support from your family and friends too. you guys have been together a long time and it can be just as painful for the person who breaks off a relationship as the person who is being broken up with.
i hope things work out butterfly, whatever you decide to do.